Passing the Past

The day Riley was hospitalized, I felt sympathy towards her, as a sister, but as a betrayer, I had no longer wished to be related to her. When she passed away , unawake from her coma for over two months, it was almost inhuman that I felt liberty, an ease at confinement, happy even, but later on I realized that every remaining day of my miserable life caged such emotions in me that no soul would ever agree that money and fame is all one requires in life. 

When I has released my first film, the first where I was the starring role, I was overjoyed. Paul, the director congratulated me every day of the first few months it was on screens. There were occasional bouquets of lilies too. Jerry was jealous of course, I thought he looked rather cute when small wrinkles fell on his forehead. Jerry and I met on set while filming Redcrew 8 years ago, I remember shooting an intimate scene with him and seeing him in my trailer afterwards all blushed and shy like a child, and then we made love, twice, in a moment of time. 

I do not remember how I caught him exactly, but I only remember the way my heart broke a million, as if all the shreds of it sank down to my ankles and the world next to me fell silent for a deep never-ending sleep. He had only met my sister a few times during family occasions, I always wondered what he saw in her. Mother always used to say Bella was her favourite, but I was exemplary. She wasn’t instantly attractive, but she had a better personality then mine. How ironic that I am the actress in the family. I had the brains, she had the creativity. I would always copy her from rolling the same way she rolled her weed, the way she would always collect paper crafts and pile them up in her drawer. Once, I saw a picture of me and dad in her drawer, she liked to frame herself in every picture in the house thus she kept that picture in her confinement so it doesn’t sees light of day. I didn’t realise the depth of her jealousy towards me, why, when she is better than me?

Women, unlike men, respect their responsibilities and make sacrifices they never thought they had to. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew the foremost look on my lover’s face, emotions do speak a thousand words, there was no joy. I thought this was inexpressible excitement and he would punch his lips on mine. There was a mere hug and discussion of future plans but all I wanted that moment was a look on a father’s face. This is when I knew I had made a mistake. But being blinded in love is true and this is something one will experience only after she is in that position. A child is a sign from god, I thought. Boy was it, the next few of my films went flop and one blockbuster was only the result of me as a supporting role.  How had I managed to once have the world and lose it for no reason whatever. I tried to stay undepressed for little John, I couldn’t bear for him to pay for my incompetence’s. I grew bigger, my career the opposite, the attachments between me and Jerry distanced, so many times I felt there was only  a thin thread that held us together.

I met Bella one day during my last trimester, I told her I might actually be diagnosed with clinical depression, she told me an official diagnosis would only make things worse and I should come live with her. This is what I should have chosen, but I believe any women in my position would never until her last breath give up on her home. I declined the offer, with a heavy heart. Her phone rang as I signed an autograph for a waiter. She looked at the screen and declined the call nervously. There was a moment between us, me wondering if she was alright, and she worried that I was going to find her worried. 

That night was revelation right, Jerry came home lively. He was on the phone with someone and was rather in a hurry. I asked if he was going to be heading out again, he impatiently replied yes as he went into the shower, changed and grabbed a cereal bar from the pantry and ran off in his Mercedes, the one my dad gifted him. It was god’s plan that he had left his mobile inside. And that was the beginning of doomsday. Instead of being reasonably furious due to the fact my husband was cheating on me with my sister, it was unbearable to me that I had paid for lunch this afternoon, I had paid for all the little doughnuts she over-ordered.  But at that moment, all I could do was stare at the ceiling as I weakly put the phone at its ultimate place, I looked at our house, I looked at our bed, I looked in the mirror. What was wrong with me? This question still sparks fireworks of shame in my head whenever I recall the situation that allowed me to undermine my worth such that I had the audacity to even ask myself such wrong question in the first place. It’s never the women’s fault, it’s always the men. Always.

Shortly after Bella’s passing, Jerry graced Earth with his ascension to hell. Cause of death: food poisoning. He took me for sushi and seafood on our first date and I fell sick for a whole week. Oh, if I had listened to god’s obvious sign. As for my career, I had met a good few people from the industry willing to make movies with me. I had a chance to direct a movie in Texas, which was far from Los Angeles. But sacrifices, remember ?

Fear is temporary, but regret is forever. But I felt both now. I had managed to put the past behind me, but it is impossible that it allow me peaceful sleep. Sleepless, I got up weary, walked to my the shed near the old garage, my housekeeper called it Old Gary, today I decided to present the past a challenge. I unlocked it, and pulled the shutters up, it made such a noise, it sent goose bumps down till my ankles. Lay there, the truck which killed my sister and next to it, in a locked cabinet, a bottle of rat poison. A part of me unlocked itself and presented a new personality, the ancient me. A part of me was in the garage that hadn’t been opened in 5 years. I recalled officer David too, how easy was it to bribe law enforcers to keep the truck which you ordered to kill your sister . The truth is that the ghosts of my past, I thought would cause my  final strain of sanity remaining, and I shall die in this garage with the fragments of my sister and husband,  each’s death caused my me. As the sole murderer of my husband and my sister, I popped open a champagne, what was the cause of celebration ? The elimination of the past and all along with it. The buyer was coming tomorrow to see the house, I sold it for a few million dollars less than the original price. Today, my past was going to hurt a lot less than the original heart break. As I poured over gasoline and lit Old Gary on fire, I walked away, flames blowing up behind me, drinking the last bit of champagne remaining, celebrating the start of a new life.