My Secret

I have always hated lies. I have always believed keeping secrets is the same as lying, but what if some secrets are necessary. Right now, I am standing outside my house, returning from my trip to Spain, wishing I never went. I shake my head to rid those thoughts because what happened can never be undone. 

As I open my front door, I hear the faint sound of whispers. I open the light and “surprise” my two best friends, Tom and Sarah, call out.

“Wow, you guys really didn’t have to do this,” I said. 

“Are you kidding me? What kind of friends would we be if we didn’t give you a welcome back party, Monica?” Sarah states enthusiastically. 

“Can this really be classified as a party with only three people?” Tom dryly remarks.

“Oh shut it, I’m getting some cake,” Sarah says walking off. 

“I’m glad you’re back Monica, I really missed you” Tom says smiling brightly. 

“I missed you too, Tom,” I say with a fake smile. I didn’t have it in me to genuinely smile anymore, not after what happened. 

“Hey, guys I gotta get home, that idiot boyfriend of mine locked himself out of the house again,” Sarah said as she was headed towards the door. “I’ll catch up with you soon Monica, can’t wait to hear about everything you did in Spain.”

“OK, no problem, I’m really jet-lagged anyway,” I replied. But really, I can’t tell anyone what happened - they will never look at me the same way again. 

“So are you really tired or can we hang out for a bit?” Tom says snapping me back to reality.

“You can stay, Tom,” I smile. 

“Great!” Tom says, showing his perfect dimples.

It’s been half an hour of Tom and I playing monopoly when suddenly he asks me the question I dread - “So what happened in Spain? Did you meet anyone?” 

I notice Tom has a slight frown as he asks. I know he has feelings for me. Truth be told, I always imagined we would end up together, but unfortunately we can’t now. “No,” I respond, focusing back on the game. 

“Oh come on Monica, how long have we known each other? I can always tell when you are lying, so ‘fess up! Who is he?” Tom says with a smile that I know is forced. He’s right though, he could always see right through me. It’s one of the things I love about him. When I’m upset he would always immediately know and comfort me. But this, I can’t tell him. I can’t tell anyone. 

“Really Tom, there was no one,” I say in my most convincing tone. 

“OK, I believe you” he lovingly smiles at me. Just as Tom sees through me I also see through him and I know he doesn’t believe me but he is not pushing it. Thank you, Tom. 

“So, whose turn is it?” I say in an uplifting manner. 

“Monica?” 

“Yeah?”

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” 

“OK, what is it?” 

“We have been best friends since, what, high school? Well, I think we both know how I feel about you. While you were gone, I missed you so much and I promised myself that when you came back, I would do this. So, Monica, will you go out on a date with me, finally?” Tom says with a hopeful smile. 

Oh, Tom. I really want to say yes, but I’m forever tainted now. “I can’t, I’m so sorry Tom, it’s not that I don’t feel the same way, it’s just….” No, I cant tell him what happened to me, he will only ever look at me with pity. Disheartened and with teary eyes, I say, “I'm sorry, Tom I just can’t.” 

“Monica, hey it's OK, please don’t cry. I hate seeing you sad. Look Monica, I know there is something bothering you. I could tell the second I saw you, you weren’t acting yourself and I won’t push you into telling me anything you don’t want. I just want you to know that I am always here to listen,” Tom says sincerely. 

As I’m enchanted by his forest green eyes I think back to that night in Spain. I think about what he did… and then what I did. 

I remember it so vividly. I am having a martini on this rooftop bar with a perfect view of La Sagrada Familia when suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and am met with sparkling grey eyes. 

“Hi, I’m Richard,” says a man with a bright smile. 

“Hi, I’m Monica,” I say smiling back.

“So tell me, Monica, what is a gorgeous girl like yourself doing all alone?” Richard says while putting a hand on my thigh making me feel uncomfortable. 

 I immediately stand up. “Actually I was just leaving,” I say in a rush, getting out some money to pay for my drink when Richard stops me.

“Don't worry about it beautiful, it’s on me. Hey Marcus, put her drink on my tab.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I say.

“I insist, where are you heading off to?” 

“My hotel, I’m pretty tired now, goodnight,” I say before literally running off. 

Ten minutes have gone by and I’m walking back to my hotel. I took a wrong turn and end up at a dead end. When I look to my right, I see a narrow alleyway leading directly to my hotel. As I’m halfway in the alley, I suddenly get pushed roughly against the wall, coming face-to-face with Richard. “Richard, what are you doing? What is wrong with you?” I yell furiously.

“What is wrong with me? You know all I wanted was to have a little chat, but you had to be a little bitch,” he says menacingly. 

I’m getting really afraid right now. “OK Richard, I am very sorry if I came off as rude, I was just feeling uncomfortable,” I say with tears starting to blur my vision, afraid of what is very likely to happen to me now. 

“Yeah, well get ready to be even more uncomfortable, bitch,” he says with A creepy smirk. 

“Please, don’t do th…” he cuts me off with a slap to my left cheek and roughly pushes me to the floor. 

“Stop it, please” I beg, but he just rips my dress off leaving me in my bra and underwear. I try to push him off but he’s too strong and he holds my arms above my head after he rips my underwear off. I scream and cry as he forcefully thrusts into me, paralysed from the pain as I’m a virgin. I can do nothing but shed tears as I look down and see all my blood. After he’s finished he gets off me and gets dressed. 

As I turn my head I see a crowbar near the wall opposite me. While he has his back turned, I take the chance to reach for it and stand up. Without thinking I hit him over the head multiple times until he falls to the ground, blood pouring from his skull. I drop the crowbar and cover myself as best I can with my torn dress before running back to my hotel room. That night I spent the whole night crying, I had just murdered my rapist.

As I recall that painful night, I’m just crying in Tom’s arms. I can’t tell him what happened. “I’m sorry Tom but I just want to be alone, can you please leave, I’ll see you tomorrow, OK?” 

“OK Monica, I’ll go. Just know that I am always here for you” 

“I… I know,” I stammer. After Tom leaves, I just lean back against the door and think about everything. 

This will forever be my secret.