A Letter for Judie

Dear Judie,

I’m writing to reintroduce myself. Maybe you got the wrong impression of me. I want to tell you everything I never got the chance to let you know. Because our lines never really crossed the way they were meant to. I hoped you’d always be a part of me, but you weren’t, and that disappoints me more than you can know.

I’m sorry.

I was born on a farm in rural Missouri. There aren’t a lot of people over there. My closest neighbor lived two miles away. I was homeschooled too, so I never interacted with many kids my age. I wouldn’t have had time to hang out with them anyway, I always had work to do. There were animals that needed to be fed and crops that needed to be sowed.

Things move in cycles on a farm.

The corn grows during the summer so that you can harvest it at the beginning of September. No matter how many times you picked it, it always came back the next year. Seasons passed and I watched the animals die out and have babies that would die out again. I envied them all. At least they had something to do and lives to live. It went on like that for years. So for years, I continued existing while never really being alive.

The only relationship I had was with God.

It was him that led me to you. I know this because I prayed to him. He would whisper in my ear, so only I could hear him, and we shared this special friendship. I trusted his ways and I did what he told me to do. Sometimes he would appear to me, him, and his angels from heaven. He would take the form of an animal and visit me while I was working. It happened when I was in the garden. His company let me know that he cared about me. So when a fire burned down all our harvest, I knew it was God’s plan that we moved to California. It was his plan when my parents enrolled me in Saint Paul High School. And it was his plan when he sat me next to you in class. I was lonely for a long time.

Until I met you. 

It was a very special thing for me when you asked me to go to the beach with you. It made me feel like I was more than just a placeholder man. I want to apologize for that first date. I know I’m not good at talking. I stumble over my words and I can’t ever look you in the eyes when I respond to you. I get nervous. People are endlessly judgemental. I always feel that I’m about to say the wrong thing to them. But you were different, you didn’t do that to me. Not at the beginning at least. When I took pauses to think about something else to say, or when I made a joke that you didn’t think was funny, you forgave me. You showed me mercy when I asked you out again and laid a kiss on your lips good night, promising you that I’d make you my wife before I left. So where did that mercy go when I tried to call you later that night? And where was it when you transferred out of my class? I felt like I lost a piece of myself.

I’m nothing without you.

I miss you. You gave me your company, which was more than anyone else gave me. You made me feel loved. I just want you to like me. Other people don’t like me the way you do. That’s why you’re special. I want you to know that I liked you more than anyone else.

My favorite.

So why did you run away from me? Today when I asked you to be mine. You know I’m crazy about you. And why did you give me so much of your time? When you know you wanted nothing to do with me? Why did you let me spend my money on experiences I never got to enjoy with you? You’re a mystery and it’s fascinating. But that doesn’t mean anything to you. I could die tomorrow and you wouldn’t care. You could be the name printed across my suicide note and it would make you feel alive.

Parasite.

What you don’t know is I’ve been here before. I’ve poured my soul onto a person so that they can do with it what they will. I’ve spent the gem of my time in exchange for disappointment. But I’m learning. I reconsidered the things I’ve done and I’ve realized where I went wrong: I always gave up too soon.

You never know a good thing until it’s gone. I hope you know that.

So that’s why I’m here. That’s why I’ve bled ink on this page for you. I’m waiting for you. You’ll go off and move forward, but remember that I’m waiting for you. I’m an idea sitting around the corners of your head. You can turn your back on me but I’ll always be there. Hugging your skull. I’ll keep my schedule open in case you call. And when I grow old and weak, my hope will remain strong. If you knock on your door, maybe I’ll be on the other side.

I believe in us. Do you?

You’re everything that I am. You think we’re different, but we’re really the same. I remember how you used to look at me. Where did that light go? I see flashes of it when I’m near you. When I try to talk to you while your friends are around, and you turn to snicker at them every time you respond to me. I know how I make you feel. If all my life is what I have to wait, I’ll do it. It’s just one of many. I’ll save myself for you. So that when we die and our cold bodies return to the soil, our minds will live again. And again after that. We’re immortal. So much so that even if you return this letter to the sender,

I know I’ll see you again,

in the Garden of Eden.

With love,

your other half