What if...?

Warning!

Mentions of:

Self Harm

Depression

Suicide

Slight Mental Abuse

If you are uncomfortable with any of these, be wary.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “What if I never meet them?” “What if I didn’t go out today?” “What if I was gone?” 

Well... I have... a lot... 

It started when I was around six. My dad took me to the park to hang out with some of his friends while I played. He was a single father but he was doing his best, looking back he was really overwhelmed. But anyway, I was playing in the sandbox, and I didn’t have any toys so I was building a castle with my little hands. I was almost done when a boy about my age ran up and stepped right on my castle. I was slightly upset but I learned quickly, from dad, to let little things go. 

The boy stopped and apologized, offering me some of his toys so I could rebuild it. I should have said no...

I happily accepted his offer and he walked away, returning soon and sitting down with me. 

“I’m Maxine! You can call me Maxy!” I said happily, hoping to make a new friend.

“Leon.” He said smiling. 

We played for hours, building and destroying the little sand forts. 

But soon dad called me so we could head home. I told him that I wanted to play with Leon more, and he told me that we could go meet his parents. I ran around looking for him.

“Boo!” He yelled, effectively scaring me. 

I grabbed his arm and dragged him with me.

My dad meet his mom and they exchanged numbers, saying that they would set up a play date soon.

A few weeks passed and I was getting restless. I wanted to go and play with my friend, the only one I’ve ever had. I begged Dad to call Leons’ mom and ask if I could play. 

I wish I didn’t...

20 minutes and a tank of gas later, we made it to Leons’ house. We lived out of town, so it took a while to find their house after getting into the city, where they lived.

I rushed inside and hugged Leon, then we ran upstairs to go and play in his room. Little did I know this would begin the rest of my miserable life.

While me and Leon played, my dad got to know his mom. They had plenty in common and enjoyed the company. Apparently Leons’ dad was in a freak accident, he was in a plane heading back home from a long business trip when the pilot lost control. The plane went down and none survived... 

So as you could guess, his mom was pretty devastated, especially since she was about to give birth to Leon.

So his mom raised him alone, a lot like my dad did me.

Skip ahead a few years and I’m 12. Dad and Maria, Leons’ mom, we’re very close and secretly dating. Me and Leon would joke about how “in love” they were.

Oh how wrong we were...

We still hung out nearly every weekend, as dad was always busy working during the week, and became even closer. We told each other our deepest secrets, but how deep can a 12 year old get really? 

We joked, and danced, and sang, and lived life by the day.

When dad told me to stay at Leons’ house for a week or two, I didn’t think much of it. More time to spend with my best friend. 

I had my own room, and Maria even bought me some toys. I loved it.

Dad started leaving me there almost all the time. He would drop me off and then leave for work. 

On the weekends, he never really paid attention to me or Leon. He was to busy with Maria.

“Daddy-”

“Not now.” He growled.

I rushed back to my room and sat on my bed, tears pooping in my eyes. He had never spoken to me like that before. It was like he didn’t want me around. 

I calmed myself down and decided to go play with Leon.

About a year later and we had fully moved in with them. 

I hated it...

I had to follow the dumbest rules, I had a strict diet, and I wasn’t allowed to watch Tv or play outside.

I could deal with all of that... but the worst part was that I had to give my kitten away. 

Maria claimed to be allergic, but I had come over dozens of times with cat fur all over my clothes and she had no reaction. Still, dad gave her away.

I was miserable...

By the age of 15 I was completely rejected by my “family”. Maria hated me from the beginning and Dad was so bewitched by her that he turned a blind eye to everything she did. Leon was the only person there for me, but he could only do so much.

I snuck out one night to go to the nearest park. I just sat and enjoyed the fresh air. There was another person there. They looked about 17 from what I could tell. They were just sitting on a bench, looking at the sky, and... doing something to their wrist. 

I rushed over to see what they were doing, and witnessed a 17 year old girl dragging a blade across her skin. 

“Miss... w-what are you doing?” I was completely oblivious to self harm, depression, among others.

“I’m making the pain go away...” she sobbed.

“C-could I try?”

“W-wha- ah haha... um- n-no. No you can’t.” She mumbled out, still dragging the blade. 

“But... but I want the pain to go away.” I said. I looked into her eyes.

I wish I hadn’t... 

They were so empty, so dull and lifeless, so emotional and yet emotionless.

She sat me down and talked to me. 

She was self harming. She suffered from depression. She had suicidal thoughts daily. She wanted to escape. 

I learned so much from her. 

I shouldn’t have left...

I got home and stole a screwdriver from my fathers’ toolbox. I took it into my room, found a pencil sharpener, undid the screws, and cut my thigh. 

I wanted to hide the scars, not that anyone would care. 

I continued that for three years, and the scars on my leg are no longer here...

If you’re reading this now... 

I’m dead.

I slit my arms and bled out in my tub. I wanted this.

Dad... you used to care... what happened to you...

I’m sorry for being such a burden on everyone and only bringing everyone down...

I’m sorry for being me... 

But I’m gone now, and you can be happier without me. 

Even when I decided to do this... one question alone crossed my mind, and it never left, not even when I took my final breath. 

Do you want to know the question?

“What if I was happy?”