Mu Shi Human

Coming up with a gift idea was the easy part – getting your hands on it is another thing entirely.

He likes strange things. He always liked strange things. But there are two things he's always obessed with: strange foods and weird sex fantancies. Well, due to my health problems sex, is out (and no, you pervert, I don't have an STD). There are many foods he's fantacised about, but coming up with the gift idea is the easy part, getting my hands on it is another thing entirely. He's had rocky mountain osters, but he's never had squirrel, ostrich or ostrich eggs, bear, pig intestines, cow brains, fried duck feet, and a whole lot of other unusual foods. So, I do what any normal person would do in this situation, I look on Amazon. They have squirrel stew, Wagyu beef is a steal at only $700 Right. Maybe he'd like Elk. Maybe.  

See, every year I ask for something and he gives it to me. One time I asked him for money and he gave me $100. which he needed. See, Christmas is a bitch. It's supposed to be a time of happiness and sharing, getting together with your family, but more people commit suicide during December than any other month, because they see people happy, with family, money, and not everyone has that. But, this year is better than last year. See, last year we didn't have anything to give to each other and we knew that, so we didn't. So, this year I want to make him happy.

But, I'm old, ugly, and fat. He says I'm pretty, but I don't see why. My nipples are getting lower to the ground each year, my hair is turning white, I'm losing some hair, I have stretch marks all over my body and we're having trouble with sex. See, I'm fat and I don't like to work out, so there were nights when we'd want to have sex, so he'd put a condom on and I'd put my lube on his condom, and it would start off well, but then my legs would cramp and I'd make him stop. See I can let him give me oral pleasure, but that's all. He also has medical problems or I think he does. See, he took pills to make it bigger and it's too big for me. I wished he's have been more confident because it hurts. It ffeels like putting a pickle through the eye of a needle. So, I want him to get surgery to make it smaller again. Crazy, I know. Most women want a man who's bigger, but not me. Also, it takes him forever to ejaculate. He closes his eyes to concentrate, but he should just be staring at me. I must be ugly. He says we should see a sex therapist or an ob/gyn. Could you imagine having to explain these issues to a doctor? How embaressing would that be? Look, he wants kids, but I don't. I'm too old to have kids.  

Soo, back to unusual dishes. See, he always loves it when I use the croch pot. The meat marinates and is cooked but chewy. Seasoned well, too. But something unfamiliar, he's never tried before. So, I look on allrecipes.com, and look for unusual. But I see a lot of steak dishes, chicken dishes, and fish dishes. These won't do.

Then, I hear a noise out the kitchen window. See, I know the noises of this house. The sound of the air conditioner going on and off, the sound when the tea kettle is about to whistle, the pitter--patter when he dog has to be walked, but the dog's inside. I hear it again and I see a shadow on the neighbor's house. So, I go into the bedroom and unlock the combination case: 142. Then, I take out the hand gun and load it. I've shot empty beer bottles and 2-liter bottles, but that's all. I hear the bushes moving.

“Who's there?”  

I hear nothing but a soft breathing. I coch the gun and go outside, quiet. Then, I see a masked man facing away from me with a black ski mask. I tel him to freee, but he turns around I I shoot him or her in the head. Because of inertia, the body moves away from me and up. Then, it thumps to the ground. I take off the ask. Probably should call 911 right now, but want to acccess the damage first. I kick their foot with my foot.

“Bud. You okay?” There's no response, so I kick them again. Damn it. Goddamn it, they're dead. Whoever they are. So, I head back to the house. I'll have to call 911 and report attempted robery and tell them I was protecting my home and it was me or him, so it had to be him. But then, I look around. No one's around me. No one's asking what happened or seeing if anyone's ok. So, I drag this dead son-of-a-bitch into my house and take out the knife I used to carve turkey with. This white man is average. He's not fat, not strong, a little thin, but, average. So, I place him on the linoleium floor and I look online. I look at specific websites and Youtube videos. Then, I take the son-of-a bitch back to the backyard and strip him. I peel his pants off, his shirt, already got his socks and shoes, until he's naked. Sexy young man. Then, I drag him back to the kitchen by his penis. Gotta have some fun. Then, I place him down, take out a pot and a meat knife. I hold him upside down by the ankles and cut his neck. The blood flows into the pot. I've seen shows, so I divide the meat up. There's fried liver, sirloin, ribs, tongue, and I put the different pieces into freezer proof bags and put them in the fridge. I then chop up onions, thyme, celery, and a few spices. I decide to marinate the meat. They say human tastes like . . . then, I know what to do. I get out the soy sauce and look at one of my cook books on the shelf. Page 183: Mu Shai Pork. Need to make thin white pancakes and get think sauce. Or, I could just order them from the local chinese place .. . I decide to rder it along with wonton soup, egg rolls, tea, the usual. I order it for delivery and in five minutes the door bell rings. I collect my money and go to the door but it's my husband.  

After a beat I say, “Merry Christmas!” He says the same thing back. I tell him for Christmas, I'm going to prepare him a dish he's never had before. He smiles since he knows I know him. After a few minutes, the doorbell rings. Chinese places are the only ones open on Christmas anyway. So, I put the bag in the kitchen and start reading the recipe: Pork, egg, mushrooms . . I hope he likes it. I take the sirloin section out of the fridge and staart the mise en plase.