Inadequate Epilogues

Sometimes people will change you and then leave. It’s not cruelty, it’s nature. They’re become too linked to a person that no longer exists. Every moment you spend afterward is just part of the mourning process.  

Course, they're always idiots that struggle against this instinct. Because they are idiots, they don't know quite the word for themselves, but if you looked it up in the dictionary, James and David's photographs would be displayed below it.

There are two familiar strangers sitting next to each other in the last gay bar left in town. They are the aforementioned James and David, though that has not always been the case. But it’s late enough in the night that it doesn't matter. That's how they justify it.

David starts,“Can I buy you something?” 

“Umm, a rum and diet coke?” 

“I still don’t know how you drink all those artificial shits.” 

“Hey, if the only thing I’m addicted to in this life is Splenda, I’ll take it.” 

“And I’ll take an old-fashioned.”  David ordered his drink as James rolled his eyes behind him, muttering under his breath, 

“Jeez compensating much?” 

There was a moment of silence as the young twink at the bar made their drinks. 

“Sooo-” 

“Don’t you just hate how all these places are disappearing?”, James’ tone was half-mocking and half-deeply serious. Like in high school, everything had the exact same amount of importance, which was zilch. 

David squinched his nose at the interruption, “What? Gay bars?” 

“Yeah. When I was a kid, I was so excited just by the idea of them. Smoky, lovely places filled with queer people, all together but apart. The only talk worth listening in innuendos and stares. Secret places.” 

The other man rolled his eyes at that, “Please, that was a fantasy even in cities. At the end of the day, people discriminate, even if you’re the closeted gay men bashing the drag queens. Not to mention racism and the police. As for here, well, did you read that gay places thing in the paper a year or two back?” 

James countered drily, “About The Battery being a gay cruising area back in the day? Or the fact that the rest-stop next to my dad’s old place was apparently central in the spread of HIV down here?” 

David almost laughed, “Damn, really? Did he ever come down there, preach to them about abandoning their wanton lifestyles?” 

A sound like a wounded hyena erupted from James's throat, “I wish. If he ever met them, he’d have to deal with the fact they weren’t actually evil. Whenever dear Susan locked me out, or my dad was discussing when I was married and pregnant” another mocking tone, and a slight shiver, “I'd go down there and just......think, I guess.” 

“Hey, man. Do you-?”, David tried to interject before the rant surfaced. 

But James barrelled through, “And like, I know that’s like, romanticizing a time where you could get lynched or be slowly killed without the government giving a shit. Hiding who you are, constantly. I mean fuck-God knows it’s safer for me on the apps. People can’t say you’ve tricked them if your profile automatically states your lack of a penis. But now- everything’s out there. And half of your existence is explaining exactly what you are, and having these deep conversations about sexuality and gender, and-” 

David successfully cut in, “You’re just trying to live your goddamn life?” 

“Yeah. Honestly, I think you’ve taken this surprisingly well. Most the people I knew from high school just- freak out and leave. Or else, have no reaction at all, which is almost as weird.” 

“Well, I think Claire let me know about it a year or two back-” 

“That bitch-” 

“Hey, fuck you, that bitch is my sister.” 

“How’s she doing? Has she forgiven me, now that she knows I’m one of the queers?” 

“Oh, not by a long shot. I don’t think that girl ever had a grudge she didn’t hold. She’s good though, has a job and partner and all.” 

“That’s nice. I mean, not the first part, but I get it. What I did was messed up in a lot of ways. To both of you.” 

He shrugged, “Like I was any better. Guess being in the closet does that to you. Makes you a bit of a dick.” 

James grinned, “Certainly explains all of the dicks in my closet”, he sniggered into his drink, “But- that isn’t an excuse, though. I did a- a lot of bad things.” 

“Hey-” 

“No, shut up, I need to apologize”, a moment later, “I used to justify it, in a way. That it was my first real relationship. That we were both terrible at communicating and had our emotions shoved so far down, we hardly knew the difference between horny and lonely. And you were a useful- tool in that. Yea, I know how that sounds."

He took a deep breath, "You proved that I was female, because regardless of any of my feelings, I could put on a push-up bra and a tight dress and could suck you off till you cried. Everything was a tool, even my teeny fem-body was a tool, because people wouldn't hate me if they wanted me. I didn’t know how else to deal with it.  And you were......everything I wanted. It made me hate the idea of you, I wanted it so badly. I wanted your body, I wanted your life, and your naiveté, I wanted to feel safe and......myself.” 

“You know it were never so easy-” 

“Yes, I know, that, now. But envy doesn’t care about reality. What I’m saying is I didn’t see you as a person. I saw you as my envy personified. And I’m sorry for that.” 

David sipped his drink, “It makes sense, really. You know, the first three people I dated all turned out to be trans-men. Turns out-” he chugged the rest of it down, “I’m just a big queer who didn’t want to come out to my lawyer father.” 

The bartender gave them both new glasses almost immediately. It was late on a Wednesday night, and the young man had been watching the two like a television drama, surreptitiously pretending to polish tumblers as he watched the drama unfold. 

“So.....is he-” 

David didn’t let the James finish the question, “My dad has one straight child that’s married and expecting in a few months. All the rest of us are disappointments due to inadequate parenting on his part. Yours?” 

“Saving souls in the Philippines. Though, considering he couldn’t parent his own offspring, who knows how well it’s going.” 

They both laughed snidely at that. 

David continued, “I was the same way though, that’s what I’m trying to say. Trying to prove I was normal. I mean, I was even in a frat, it was that bad.” 

“Can I ask what changed?” 

“Only if you tell me yours.” 

James rolled his eyes, “I guess, college? I don’t know, everyone thought it was the car accident. And sure, it was dramatic, and the insurance payout did cover my tit removal. But really, I just needed to be away from it all.  

I had this idea in my head that I could only be who I really was if everyone in my life was separated from me. Course, my mom freaked out when her daughter was suddenly using male pronouns. Everyone in my family did. But I didn’t really know another way to do it. Came out that winter semester, got on T by July, the next April I had top-surgery. And everyone got used to it.” 

Both of them gulped from their drinks like fish struggling to breath. 

“I sucked off my fraternity president.” 

James snorted, “Jesus.” 

“Yeah, we were in a downlow relationship for a year or two, until he got engaged to his girlfriend. Kind of just realized that he would never choose me in all of this. But like-it was more than that. I saw him, about to graduate, about to get married, his whole life ahead of him but so stranded. And.......something about seeing your own feelings in someone else makes them actually valid.” 

“Ain’t that the truth.” 

The bartender called for last orders, and they both got one more, for the road. 

David asked, “Should I give you my number?” 

“What, you want to fuck again?” 

“Honestly, kind of. Would that really be so bad?” 

“No-I mean, I get it. It’s familiar and safe. But it’s also extremely stupid.” 

“So what should we do? Leave? Stalk each other on social media in a few weeks?” 

“Yea, like you actually have social media.”, James grinned, “Hey, let’s leave this poor man alone, let’s go for a walk. I hear the Battery is gorgeous at this time of night.” 

The moon was out and full, and the wind kept whipping the clouds to encircle her. A tempest was brewing, was coming through tomorrow, but was just a tropical storm, so only the surfers and old people were excited by the prospect. 

James started first, he always did that, with dramatic conversations ,“I-what do you want from this? I just had the big moment, you know I’m trans, I told you my stuff, what- do you want to be friends or something?” 

David laughed bitterly, “You’re doing it again, you know? Using me as a prop in your story. Did you even wonder about what I may want from this, why I started talking?” 

“No-I don't”, a pause, “Oh, fuck.” 

It was an expletive both of comprehension and surprise, as the last few drinks had made James unsteady on his feet on the gravely, heavily angled sidewalk. David grabbed him, pulling him up. Their hands stayed connected even as they both stood. 

James asked, “What is it about you? That makes me an idiot kid again?” 

“Probably some psychological thing, being back. Neuropathways.”, he slurred the last word out, “But we could always try to break the habit, if you-”, the wind was tangling their hair together, strand by strand. They were so close, and they both smelled like themselves and rum, and there was that bathroom just a block away. No one would be there, this time of night- 

Flashing blue lights were speeding down the street, and they quickly broke apart like pottery. 

The next day they would both wake up and think, “Thank god that didn’t happen.”  

And then spend the next few hours finding them online. Our brains always want endings, is the thing. That’s how they justify it- it's not missing them; just their brains wanting an epilogue.