Sojourn of a pollyanna

I can see it now; my life since she became a part of it flashing before my eyes. That part of my life is all that comes to mind. It is all that matters.

27.02.1999

The end of one journey initiated her into another. A sojourner she came to be in the new world, where her feet could feel the earth and air she could breathe. Like all the others before her, she cried at the feel of what had become her new home. She wrapped her warm, tiny, palm around her bearer’s finger; the first thing she touched and felt. She had been welcomed to join others like her in navigating their way to the unknown end.  

All who laid eyes on her uttered the words that were expected of them; “She is an adorable baby girl. She is a blessing and will bring happiness to every moment of your life from now on." Wrapped in a shimmering white baby shawl was an innocent, clueless, vibrant girl, who had just acquired her first skill. She suckled, with each swallow bringing her close to the end of her first ever struggle.

A new beginning had been dictated. The rest of my life would revolve around her as I had been told. I had become a mother. “A gift,” they called it.

27.02.2005

She cheered, jumped, and rolled around our cottage, her tiny pony jumping with her, and her young teeth always showing. There wasn’t a lot of room but she found a way to keep herself happy.

“Mummy, why are you sad? Please don’t be sad,” she would comfort, but sad is how I thought she had made the rest of my life. I had filled her once innocent tongue with filthy words. I became her greatest source of sadness……and fear. Somehow, she managed to overlook it whenever she could and find happiness in my presence still.

My entire life had been reduced to just my little girl and me. My heart ached for the days the gift had not been bestowed upon me. Every rising dawn gave me a different reason to wonder what life would have been like if I had not been lured to that frat house. I could have given anything to get my old days back.

27. 02. 2010

“You were not born. You were given to me against my will.” This was my response whenever she asked why I never threw her a birthday party. I remember how her face fell each time I failed to acknowledge the day of her birth. Celebrating the day of her birth to me meant accepting my fate.  She was forced to lead her life in the direction I paved for her. Her life revolved around mine as mine did hers’.

My little girl was growing up so fast. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel with each passing day. I would soon be free and so would she. Like a seed to the soil, however, she was becoming the sweet, innocent, vibrant newborn I held many years ago, whose only acquired skill was taking care of me.  she was outgrowing the life I had introduced her to and was busy carving her own path.

I rejoice in the decision I made to endure the pain and struggle she brought with her. Today, I find pride in calling her, my little girl.

27.02. 2015

She sang, she could draw, she cleaned, she was remarkable at soccer, and, she was top of her class most of the time. Her skills at school made her noticed. She was offered a scholarship to study in a boarding school most of her classmates could only dream of but, she rejected it. My little girl desired to stay with me and take care of me. Of course, I did not advise her against it because I needed someone to take care of me.

I sometimes wonder how she could do all that and still manage everything I asked of her. My little girl is and has always been extraordinary. Whenever I imagine what could have become of me if it wasn’t for her, all I can see is a blank image in my mind. I would never have made it this far without my little girl.

27.02.2020

Now I am angry at her for not inviting me to her very first birthday party. I was seething with anger at that time and called her every word that could come to mind. How could she hold a birthday party behind my back knowing very well how I felt about her birthdays? Her friends were celebrating her online but that wouldn’t still sit right with me.

I still remember her sad words, “Mom, you have lived your life. Why won't you let me live mine and be happy? Even for a day? Please let me know how it feels to be truly happy.” Her teary eyes rested on me. She waited for me to give her permission to celebrate her birthday but I didn’t. I couldn’t.  I couldn’t give her what she deserved and I couldn’t give others a chance to give it to her either. After all, she was my daughter.

I had become addicted to smoking and my lungs weren’t taking it too well. Still, she was there for me. I thought the pandemic and lock down gave her no choice but now I know, everything she ever did for me was out of heart. She has always loved me.

01.07. 2022

She is seated by my side, holding my hand. She is a grown woman now but still a little girl in my eyes. My lungs and kidney failing were what it took me to see the treasure I have had all along. I don’t have long. The little time I have left is to flashback on our life together. There is nothing I want more at this moment than being the mum she deserved.

“You have always been there for me, mom. I don’t wish things were any different. I wouldn’t change a thing in our family because if you had been a different parent, maybe I wouldn’t have turned out like I did and we wouldn’t have had a chance to take care of each other. I have always loved you and that will never change. Please don’t leave me. I still need you,” she says between her cry. I can’t even respond due to the breathing aids I have on me. I shed tears knowing they might not come close to making things right but at least she will know how sorry I am.

 She might mean everything she says but I know for a fact I could have been there for my little girl. I could have been better.

I could have attended her plays, acknowledged her talents, and above all, loved her. I hate that I took the best things in life from her but maybe once I am gone, she will lead a better life. She will start her own family and she will love them unconditionally. She will get everything I couldn’t give her. I hope she won’t get to see the opportunities she had to make things right but wasted when it is too late. I hope my little girl doesn’t turn out like I did.