I Was Breastfed By A Psycho

How much can a mother obsess about her daughter? Say, you are obsessed with your academic performance. How much can you study in a day? Let's start from the beginning of the day. You might wake up at 4 am. You will study non stop till 8 am. You might take a quick shower and rush to school. In school, you will try very hard to focus on every sentence spoken by your teacher. You will take notes in addition. Then, you will go back home, have a quick meal and again study for hours. You will not even take a 5 minute TV break in between. This is considered obsession.

I had been studying exactly like this ever since I was in my high school until I graduated university. My mom was very obsessed with my academic performance. She didn't even treat me as a human being. She never cared about my needs. She imprisoned me against my will and forced me to study all the time. She was constantly watching me like a hawk. When my classmate called me, she locked my door from outside so that I wouldn't waste my time on the phone call. She never even let me have friends or a boyfriend. She was very controlling. She didn't even spare me when I was in my bathroom. She used to scream outside the bathroom. She had no empathy for me at all.

As if this was not enough, she never had a single pleasant conversation with me. Daughters want to talk about their daily life with their mothers. A normal mother will be interested in her daughter's life. My mom never cared about what was going on in my life. She was only interested to make sure that I had no life outside studies. Whenever I talked about my daily life, she only used whatever I said against me and made it worse. I didn't even have to talk. She would get provoked just by looking at my face. Can you believe that my mom never spoke to me respectfully? Not just that, she would start bullying me out of no where.

She is insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. She asked the same question everyday but never believed me. It was very irritating to answer the same question everyday. She lived in hope that I would get better in my academic performance one day. Normal mothers trust their daughters. Once, she didn’t find some money in my wallet. She immediately assumed that I spent the money on watching a movie. She didn’t trust me when I said that I spent it on ice cream. Then, she bullied me for being fat though she didn't believe my 'ice-cream story'. If only one between ‘watching a movie’ and ‘spending on ice cream” is true, why was she yelling at me for both. She anyways didn’t trust me. Didn’t she also not have a conscience? Only extreme hate explains that behavior. She hated so much that she couldn’t let me have peace of mind no matter what I did.

She acted surprised every single time she saw my grades. To punish me, she used to bring things up from the past to shame me. Normal mothers let go. They don’t hold on to the things that their children did when they were 5 years old. Only the mothers who consider their child as a burden will hold on to each and every inconvenience they faced because of the child. She even expressed regret for giving birth to me right in front of me. Regretting having a child is equivalent to hating the child.

People even trust random strangers. However, mom not only didn't trust me, she was also manipulatively making things up against me. Normal people won’t have the patience to go against their way and bullshit every sentence spoken by the other person. Many times, she used to not even let me finish speaking. She used to cut in the middle and make up a manipulative story about me She didn’t even have a time limit. She would rather repeat the same dialogues again and again just to continue torturing me for more time. Normal people don't behave this way. This was only possible because she hated me. I used to look very sad with my head bent down the whole time. Normal mothers will be unhappy if their child is unhappy. However, my mom purposefully made me sad, and whenever I cried, she used to get even more irritated and hit me.

The worst part about her is that she used to not believe me when I spoke the truth and then I had to end up submitting proofs that she wouldn’t believe either. Why did I have to prove myself? Shouldn't a mother trust her daughter. She believed outsiders more than me. She loved my stepfather and hated me. When he called me ‘ugly’, she joined him in bullying him. When I screamed at him, she got a panic attack. She didn’t sleep the entire night. She kept waking me up periodically all through the night. Towards the end, she couldn’t control anymore. As soon as I woke up, she slapped me and called me a poisonous insect. When her husband calls her child ‘ugly’, a normal mother will feel very bad as she could understand her child’s feelings. My mom not even didn’t care about my feelings but she joined him in bullying me. She was finding happiness in inflicting pain in me. She was a monster. However, when I yelled at my stepfather, she was so angry with me that she couldn’t even sleep the whole night. She was totally capable of loving another person obsessively too. What kind of a mother obsessively loves her husband and obsessively hates her own child?

I used to study as much as humanly possible. She ignored all my needs. However, everybody has needs. Everybody wants to take a break, wants friends, wants to watch TV, etc. She used to not spare me even when I took a break once a month. She used to remind about it for several years and bully me in front of her parents and my stepfather. How much can you expect from another human being. After they sacrifice everything for you, will you have the heart to complain that they watched TV for 5 minutes when in the remaining 23 hours and 55 minutes, they were doing exactly what you want them to do? Even enemy soldiers would have some pity. Mom hated me so very much. She is the most evil mother in the entire world.

Children grow up mentally well in a healthy home environment. Their parents trust them. My mom never trusted me when I was telling the truth. She used to say that whatever I was saying was not true. I didn’t even know that it was not the norm in other houses. My brain stopped growing. I remained a child in an adult’s body. Because I grew up thinking that all mothers were just like her, I also turned out to be abrasive like her. I couldn’t make friends at all.

I couldn’t even tell others about my trauma as I didn’t even know that I was being traumatized at home. I had my doubts. When I was 16 years old, I told my cousin that I hate her. She felt that I was in the wrong for hating my mother. She loves her mother very much and thought that all mothers are just like her mother. So, she told her mom (my aunt). My mom got to know and she made my life ten times worse. So, the one escape plan that I could think of backfired too.

She was also very manipulative. She easily shed crocodile tears to defend her lies. Because she could fake tears, she thought that everybody could fake tears. She hit me when I was crying. What kind of a mother is she? Normal mothers will be unhappy if their child is unhappy. However, my mom thought that my tears were fake. When others visited home, she used to change her colors and treated me very well. Nobody ever suspected that she was evil.

She is a psycho. I couldn’t stand her and ran away to my dorm multiple times. When she hated me anyways, she should at least let me go. However, she couldn’t stand if I find my happiness through other people. She had to watch me and make sure that I had no friends. She had such a weird codependency on me. She would do anything to destroy my happiness. She would come to the dorm and beg me to go with her. She wouldn’t even hesitate to fall at my feat. She changed her colors very quickly. She successfully convinced me every single time. When I was actively avoiding her, why was she hunting for me? She hated me so much that giving hate to me has become her only reason for existence.

I did everything she wanted from me. I sacrificed myself and studied all the time. I didn’t take any breaks. A normal mother will appreciate her child for the effort. A bad mother will neither appreciate her child nor degrade her. Only an evil mother will bully her child despite the effort. Not only did I not take any breaks, but I was also receiving hate on top of it. She did not believe anything I said. While getting bullied, I used to keep my head bent down. Sometimes, when it was too much to handle (like when she locked me in my room and held hostage), I did not even hesitate to beg her. Instead of pitying me, she made me beg her multiple times. She was evil. Whenever I ran away from her, she used to hunt me down. She was so obsessed with me.