The New Me

“Hello, Mom! Just hold on. I am looking for the keys”

I got into my home. I removed my sling bag and took off my jacket. It was a busy day at work!

“Mom. You there? So, you saw him? How was he?

“He was looking good” Mom replied

“Did you talk to him?” I checked again

“No. I didn’t” She replied

I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I got lost in myself when I was looking into the mirror.

I have started to age. The fine lines have started to form around the corner of my eyes and the shine started to fade.

I think I lost a major part of myself when I left him.

I suddenly had an urge to check his Facebook account. I had removed all the pictures of us including the wedding photographs. I have not tried to stalk him since I had moved to Toronto for work. He has not posted much since then. He changed his profile picture a couple of days ago and he was looking better than before.

I knew Dennis since I was 12 years of age. He was the son of my dad’s best friend and so when he insisted to get married, it was of no surprise to anyone. We have witnessed the way how we evolved over time. I got into medicine as planned and he was into music. I liked him since I knew him. He always had that supremacy to make others like him so when he proposed I didn’t think much. I believed he could keep me happy, but the fantasy did not last long.

                                                                       ***

3 years ago,

(India)

Thud!!!

There was a huge noise in the upstairs. I ran to the direction of the sound and my dad was lying on the floor. I checked his pulse and I couldn’t feel anything. I called the ambulance and we took him to the hospital, but we had no luck. It was a heart attack!

I was very close to him and I never could imagine a life without him. I was so destroyed and mentally down. I couldn’t bear the loss. The only person I was looking up to was Dennis.

“We tried reaching him a couple of times but his phone is switched off,” One of my dad’s friends said. I couldn’t bear the sadness and embarrassment.

Can we wait for one more day? I checked.

My mother and I waited for 3 days before conducting the funeral, but we couldn’t contact him. He returned after a week of the ritual and he did not have any idea of what was going on. Everybody gave him a look of disappointment. He came looking for me in my room. I was lost in thoughts and then I saw him…

The only thing I said to him since then was “I needed a divorce”. He tried to explain how busy he got and the reason why he couldn’t call me, but nothing got into my head. We were married for 3 years but the passion faded in a couple of months. Every action of him made clear how important it is for him to pursue his dreams and how much I am hindering him. He has been on and off from my life for the last year of our marriage. Maybe he needed some breath and quiet time to figure out his life. He proposed a few plans that could sort this, but I couldn’t let go of what just happened in my life and moreover how he treated me when I needed him the most. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.

Dennis was my best friend, but we complicated things by getting married. The commitment was massive and both of us were not ready for it. We couldn’t live up to each other’s expectations. I was able to share anything with him since I knew him and he made things simpler for me but somehow the marriage didn’t work.

At some point, we forgot to understand, where our roads led to and our paths could never cross. Even though he tried to convince me to stay in his life he later realized it didn’t have much of a meaning.

I couldn’t stand the pain of losing the two most important people in my life and the place haunted me, so I decided to start a new life in a different country. I was not running away from anything, but it was more like finding ‘me’ once again

                                                    ***

It’s been almost a year since I moved to this place. I have been working as a medical practitioner in one of the renowned hospitals here. My mom will be with me in a couple of months.

I realized how much I missed him. No! Not as my husband but as my best friend. I am not sure if this could work out but I believe how much we count on each other. I think we both are responsible to fix the wounds we created in each other’s life.

“Are you there?” I pinged him on Facebook

“I am and will always be!” He replied.

I suddenly called him. His voice just made me miss him more. I was so used to it for a very long time and the sound gave me instant happiness

“I wanted to talk to you so badly, but I didn’t know if you wanted to. I have got through an audition for playback singing and the work starts tomorrow. Please wish me luck” He said

Everything was just the same. It didn’t take much time to pick up from where we left. Suddenly, the terrible things we did to ourselves got erased and we were ourselves again.

He made it to his dreams!

We don’t have any regrets about the decision we took. We wanted to make space in our lives and whatever be the reason, we both owe a part of our success to each other. Sometimes, letting go is equally good as being around.

Growing apart doesn’t change anything between us. No matter what, our roots will always be tangled, and I am glad about that! And suddenly I realized that the ‘new me’ that I found again, still has him and that’s what completes me.