Sweater Threads

We begin, like everything we have to start. As we started in this world, I start my story. Me and her laid on tickly grass. When it grazed the sole of my foot,  I giggled. Rolled out the blanket. Looked up at the stars. 

“Wish. Right now.” she said softly.” “There's a star right..there. It's the brightest one, You can talk to it you know?” she pointed up at it. Then let her arm fall down. 

 For two seconds. She didn't know but I saw her look away from the sky. Her eyes were just on me. Something I had never seen her do before. A face I couldn't recognize. I Paused, then layed my body fully in the world. Gazing up at the universe. Ignoring signs.

But now time has gone. I’m here again now. Resting my body in the field. Till it was the perfect spot. The spot where I could see that star. I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough. That star was my star. My star that I talked to..a lot. Through the nights in the cooling shower I turned off every dim light, so It could shine its way through my windows. The shiver of the crisp water. Making a light glow on the shower curtain. I never told anyone. Who would I ever tell?.. I was alone.

Star, please look me in my blurry green eyes. Prove to me in some way that tomorrow will be better.

Star made them smile, made my momma hug me, told me it was okay. In a way Star made everything okay.

But Star, I whispered. Let the grass always tickle my toes, my Mother’s hugs to never be lost, don't let me pull the threads of my yellow sweater. I may pull all the threads and be left naked, finally exposed. I will have nothing to hide. Through the days Star kept the promise. They got me through my youth. Waking up now. Deep breath. Cotton socks made imprints on my raw ankles.

I’ve left the grassy field. Now I'm 18. Sitting criss cross on a hard wooden floor. It's cold outside. The time when chilly summer rain makes Raindrops on the glass. Glistening drops. They only shine with the light of the stars. The apartment across the street always leaves the lights on. Yet, tonight it is fully dark. The room was dark with only me in it. My sheets are strewn on my bed. Recklessly. numbers from old friends scattered around, like trinkets or nicknacks. Nicknacks are always forgotten. But they were not forgotten only I wished they could be. Yet most of those friends I never called. I never talked to. I talked to once, with pinched cheeks and invisible loneliness. A Smile that took a lot of effort. Will I ever call? They wouldn’t understand if I did talk. I guess the only way to know is to call. But i feel calling is so much now. Sigh. 

I can’t. 

I walk down the cross roads. Hold my hand, the others say. 

I can’t. I can't let go of hers. 

Look around. Everything in this room is broken in a way. Rags on rags on rags. Towels tossed. Sweaters stranded. Worn jeans and thin white tank top. Strong coffee wearing off. Cold runs down my skin. My thighs pushed against my chest. Arms holding them in. 

 Right now. deep breath. I'm staring. at. the sky. deeper. hands crossed. Looking up at the world. My Star. It's not there tonight. The sky is empty. A blanket of darkness. 

Whisper soft and faint "hold me Star"

Hold me from failure, throbs, and loss, hands that want to hold mine! I know you're gone!

My hands in fists. Fingernails carving into palms. My pale arms wrapped tight on my waist. eyes squeezed painfully shut.

I know you're gone Star.. but my friend was always there. Lydia, you may have died 4 years ago. But You've always talked to me nightly through the window.

It was the summer of 2002. Downed a full cup of black coffee. I set it on the counter. Fingers run through my long blonde hair. I tie my fingers up in the belt hooks on my jeans. Then start walking. I walk out to the city. Press the smoothe metal crosswalk button. Stand and wait. The light flashes. Signaling me to start walking. Okay,  I’m walking through the streets. Close to the empty lot. Silver car. Pressing the key in the ignition. Driving away. I’m driving to the field. I thought I'd forgotten how to drive. I'll find my way to here though.

She met me there. Now in person was the scattered number. I was talking. You don’t have to pinch your cheeks. She wears a cardigan with rolled jeans. I smile now. But still she knows this is the hardest thing. She looks at me. Almost Like she feels embarrassed she can’t replace her. She is looking through my mind! Scrolling my thoughts! Feeling the pain! She shifts her eyes from me now to the ground. breathe.

I can't give up.

I need to give in

I grasp her hand. Stiff. 

Tears run down swollen cheeks.

She stares at her hand. Eases her finger in mine. 

Through all the silence. She understands. She knows my signs. 

We walk down plains of tickly grass. Dark night. Speckled star sky.

 She walks with my hand in hers. Leading me to the new perfect spot. I take my shoes. And the soles of my feet are no longer ready to giggle. 

She is Holding my hand rigidly because she doesn’t want me to let go. Intertwined fingers. She lets go now. The breeze of the night flows through my palm. She lays out the blanket. Tossing it lightly in the air. It goes down to the ground. We sit down now. My body is strained, But yet I lay it resting to the universe. Legs stretched out to the blanket. Toes curled to the end of the fabric. I stare at her, She is looking at the sky now. Her hazel eyes. slowly taking everything in. She never witnessed these kind of nights has she? She is admiring this perfect spot for the first time. 

Deep breath.

Look up. 

Green eyes scanning through the bright specs. 

Searching

Deeper

Finding.

I outstretch my body. Pointing my finger up to the universe.

“Thats my Star,” I say gently. 

“You should talk to it.” 

She smiles looking at the star.

“I will.” she said silently. 

The star stayed still that night. But yet Lydia was proud.