To start my story off- I would like to introduce myself as the character that will be attempted to be seen in a perspective of a person that is unaware of my thoughts and feelings. (But of course- they know best, right?) The two characters do not mesh well- one is Taurus and myself - well I am a Leo. I must say- those two zodiac signs; do not get along.
Moving forward - I will go over a short back story to show you a small peek into my life. Not a very miserable one; it could always be worse!
But- as a trauma victim (sexually, physically and emotional); I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Depression; so life can be difficult. I must say taking the time to write these stories has taken my mind off the pain and I feel better when getting it out.
I do have trouble sitting still (which my abusive ex boyfriend use to yell at me for) - so as I type; I am sitting on a yoga ball. Core FX is the brand and I would highly recommend!
Sometimes I feel as if my thoughts and feelings are all over the place! So sorry about that guys! (It definitely makes you feel like a little kid again bouncing up and down on this ball though! I know you are heading to Amazon now- just kidding).
A peek into their life- they are quite happy, with an amazing financial job that they seem to enjoy. She does not have any diagnosed mental illnesses and I am not one to assume things - but she does display anxious characteristics. Sometimes, I feel she gets upset seeing me down. Instead of being caring in those situations; she lashes out. Since they have known me my whole life; they definitely think they know me and my healing abilities. She also is Catholic and believes that God will take away my pain.
(No one will ever take the pain away- unfortunately PTSD is for
life and you cope with the trauma.)
I will switch back to myself for a moment and explain further. In 2018 and 2020, as well as most of my childhood- it was filled with a-lot of trauma. Wanting to be a stronger person- I shoved all of my feelings deep inside; until I had some seriously traumatizing things occur that made me very upset. (To say the least...)
One thing that bothers me the most is the things these abusers stole from me- not only my consent, my happiness, my ability to love, and my amazing work ethic! I can barely focus on anything now. I cannot just sit and type this story- it’s very sad in all honesty.
1 hour later....
Today is a hard day so I am going to pause and show you this poem I used in my victim impact statement with my ex boyfriend who assaulted me:
How am I suppose to feel,
When the nightmares and pain become real.
What am I suppose to say,
When all my hope is gone.
When do I get the choice,
To quiet the trauma.
Flashbacks, isolation and hypervigilance;
Peace and calm cannot be found.
Grim Reaper scares me not;
I already live in hell.
PTSD- stuck forever with the memories inside my head;
No familiar sounds brings me ease;
Cannot get out of this battlefield of my mind.
Unfortunately I am going to finish this story tomorrow. Until we speak again. Your friend Miss Maggie Maria.
2 days later...
Well hello again! I am back - speaking of someone seeing my view of life and taking a step into my shoes. Just that had occurred.
Also - I took a step into her shoes as well.
It was a dark morning and the skies were quite dim. The day started off with arguing throughout and emotions were high.
Myself- I would say that my emotions had gotten quite high and. I was down and depressed. My mood can get quite dark at times and I am not perfect and unfortunately I let them get the best of me. My PTSD and a past trauma stirring in my mind, emotions from others and the tension throughout, caused a scene in my head that I cannot bear...
Sometimes I wish that it could all stop and that day was a close call. Luckily and thankfully- I came to my senses and listened to a great speech made by Rocky in one of his movies.
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth, but you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!” -Rocky Balboa
Quote taken from the movie Rocky produced in 2006. I find a-lot of his quotes are extremely inspirational.
Attached is a YouTube link from the scene:
Personally- when I started writing this story; I was upset, angry and frustrated.
Now after communicating effectively and using the DEAR MAN GIVE FAST method- which is part of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It helped me use proper statements and communicate how I feel and how other people's actions can affect myself.
I feel after she understood how I felt and I felt how she did. We both had a bird's eye view of each other and how each person's actions can affect the other person.
Next time - you are feeling angry and upset about your own personal situation; take a step back. Breathe, do some yoga, and smile.
There will always be bad days- but remember that there will ALWAYS be good ones too.
Keep on, keeping on folks!
Your friend, Miss Maggie Maria.