What Could Have Been

Amber wiped the tears from her face and turned the AC vent towards her. She closed her cerise, puffy eyes, rested her temple against the cool glass of the truck window, and welcomed the blast of frigid air against her torrid face. Zoe, quite astute for her 15 years, and could always tell when she'd been crying, and she did not want to talk about it yet. 

She hadn't been able to convince him to come back home. He hadn't come right out and admitted the affair, but she knew. She wasn't stupid. Nor was she desperate. She wasn't going to beg. The fact that he'd already found a place to stay, while they were on vacation a family vacation, with the children, with her extended family, was particularly hurtful. Why even bother with this trip if he was planning to leave her the whole time?  He'd even tried initiating sex with her at the hotel a couple of times, with their two children sleeping in the same room, all the while clandestinely acquiring an apartment, a divorce attorney, and planning to vacate their marriage. Really? What the hell? Who does that? 

She must go in soon. Zach and Zoe would be wondering what happened. The fact that neither of them had been surprised by his announcement, nor did they seem terribly heartbroken or even melancholy about it, was also telling. They hadn't been happy at home for years, but Amber had thought things had been improving, especially after he told her about the trip. He’d apparently been planning it for a while.  A trip to the mountains to visit her cousin’s family, just like she wanted.  It was supposed to be a time for bonding and togetherness. Again, why bother? Why spend the money and deceive everyone for a week when you had other plans to the contrary all along? Just confess all and go.  Put your big boy panties on, be honest, and then be on your way. She was a big girl; she could handle it. She wasn't made of glass.

Honestly, she wasn't even sure she wanted him to come back. She hadn't been happy, either. They originally decided to stay together "for the kids." They deserved an intact family, but they were 15 and 17 now. So, what? They didn't need him anymore? Then they wanted to try and make it work because they were Christians; it's what God wanted, right? Till death do us part. I guess what God wanted didn't matter either in the end. As long as he got what he wanted. Some little blonde bimbo to fawn over him.  Someone young and stupid who didn’t know he was a lunatic yet. A life that didn't include his family. Blondie was in for a rude awakening. He didn't stay happy long. Ever. And when he was miserable, he made it everyone else's problem. Misery loves company.

They were better off now, she and the kids. No more fighting, punching holes in the walls, or cursing them all out. No more accusations of her cheating or having to defend every dollar spent.  No more snide remarks about her appearance or incompetence at keeping house, being a mom. Things would be better now. They had to be. It couldn't possibly get any worse. And she wasn't too old, only 42. She had time to find someone else. Someone who'd treat her like she mattered. After 20 years of walking on eggshells, she'd finally be free; free to pursue her own goals, to make her own decisions, to be who she wanted to be, not what was demanded of her. She'd been pretty once, she probably could be pretty again if she tried. She could make an effort, for once. Fix her hair, and put on some makeup. Maybe get some new clothes. It wouldn't undo the 20 long tumultuous years that added lines to her face and gray to her hair, but it couldn't hurt, right? 

Some of the fervor was finally leaving her face. She regretted this side of her Irish heritage.  Good or bad, any time she got emotional she turned bright crimson.  Every time. Like a tomato.  And her skin would get fiery all along her neck and up her face.  She turned the AC down a little and checked herself in the mirror. Her face wasn't quite as flushed, but her eyes were bloodshot. She'd wait a few more minutes. She was struck again by how green her eyes got when she cried. Normally, a darker shade, her eyes always brightened to a radiant jade when she cried. Maybe it was just the redness of her eyes that made her irises look so bright, either way, she liked it. She wished they'd stay that color always. It was one of the few compliments she ever got from him.

She put the visor back up and rested her head against the headrest.  Then she let her mind wander back in time. To the beginning of her marriage. They'd met at a workshop for work. They had both been hand-chosen for the project. Their group of leaders was being sent to different conferences across the country to get fresh, new ideas that they would then be using to put together workshops of their own, so they could bring these fresh, new ideas to the others at the company. She, from one office, and he, from another, each representing their own departments. The chosen ones. 

He'd been handsome enough. Not stunning, but taller than she, darker, Hispanic. He was also charismatic, intelligent, and completely infatuated with her. She'd resisted at first. She still had feelings for her ex and was kicking herself for breaking up with him. Now that one, he'd been hella handsome, sexy even. Tall, broad shoulders, bulging biceps, dark wavy hair, and startling blue eyes. Stunning. 

So, what if his baseball career hadn't panned out like he thought? That didn't make him a loser. He was going to college, wasn't he? He had time to grow up a little. They were only 22. The fact that she'd left him for that idiot, Brian, made her shake her head. She was pretty sure God was keeping her from a terrible fate by allowing him to get arrested. How stupid was she? She'd broken up with this beautiful, amazing guy for a criminal? Pathetic. She'd always wondered what would've happened if she hadn't left Johnny. Even with the injury that ended his baseball career, they might have had a good life together. 

They'd been high school sweethearts. It had been assumed by almost everyone, including their families, that they'd marry eventually. Even he'd talked about a future with her way back in high school. Of course, his version included a major league baseball career. Everyone was shocked when she ended the relationship for good. They could've been happy together. She'd never met another guy who'd loved her more, or been so affectionate and thoughtful, not that she'd been with many men. She'd broken up with Johnny once in high school for Phil. They dated briefly before she came running back to Johnny, begging him to forgive her and take her back. And he had. They picked up like nothing ever happened.

After Johnny, and after Brian had, thankfully, been arrested and removed from her life, she dated Chris from church.  Nice guy, funny, thoughtful, and cute, but still seemed like a step backward. Then she met her husband, Ray.  They met in February, started dating in April, and were married in July. One big emotional roller coaster that never stopped.  They’d only gotten married because she was pregnant with Zack.  She was happy-ish, most of the time anyway.  She always thought they’d grow closer with time, but they never did.  

She checked her appearance once more and could see no evidence of the emotional mess she'd been earlier. She turned off the truck and gathered her purse. She'd save the wondering what would've been for later. 

Amber turned over in bed and put her leg over Johnny’s thigh and her arm around his belly.  He didn’t wake up but responded by putting his hand on her leg.  Just like he always did.  It was still comforting even after all these years.  She couldn’t believe they’d made it this far.  Today was their 20th anniversary, though they’d been together much longer. Two boys and a dog later, they were still going strong.  He was her rock, a buoy in the storm.  An anchor that kept her steady during the tumultuous times when her emotions were raging.  They’d been through a lot in 20 years, Up, down, thin, flush, good, bad, and ugly.  They’d been through it all and despite the odds, they had made it. While so many others around them were divorcing and calling it quits, even through the tears, miscarriages, and rehab, he was always there to hold her close and tell her he’d make it okay and she, in turn, did the same for him.  She let her mind wander down memory lane for a while.

They started dating in high school.  Well, he’d dated her friend Angie first.  That hadn’t lasted long. There’d been chemistry between her and Johnny for a while.  Angie wasn’t going to stand in her way.  He was relatively new to the church and played guitar in the youth band.  The same band Amber sang in, so they had spent a lot more time together than he had with Angie.   She and Angie had decided that since they both liked Johnny, they’d both stay hands-off and let him decide who he wanted.  The fact that he might have chosen someone else entirely never entered their minds.  Amber had kept her end of the bargain.  Angie caved.  She’d asked him out while Amber was helping clean up one night after service.  When she walked over to join them later, they were an item.  He broke up with her a week later and asked Amber out.  He said he had really been interested in her all along but felt bad telling Angie no.  She knew that being Angie’s friend, she should tell him no, but damn! That boy was dazzling!  Besides, Angie had betrayed her first by asking Johnny out to begin with, so she had it coming, right?  She couldn’t help herself.  He’d flashed her that smile that brought his dimples out, and she was his.  That was it. In the end, her relationship with Johnny was much stronger than her friendship with Angie had ever been. 

Amber winced, remembering the time in high school she’d broken his heart by breaking up with him for Phil.  She was so young and stupid.  She knew she’d messed up.  She wasn’t sure why he’d taken her back when she’d come back crying that she was wrong and so very sorry, but he had and loved her even still.  She always regretted that.  Her relationship with her now mother-in-law never recovered quite as well as hers and Johnny’s had. The gift of grandchildren several years later certainly helped.  

Johnny played baseball in high school, got into college on a scholarship, and was being courted by talent scouts.  Amber was in theater and choir and was being groomed for the big screen by her director, but that only lasted a short while.  Sure, she was alluring and talented, but so were plenty of other people.  Actors and models were a dime a dozen. Still, their future looked bright.  Neither one of them could’ve seen what was coming. 

Then there was the time they got in that bad wreck, and he’d injured his back and was told he wouldn’t be able to play ball again.  That was a very tough pill to swallow.  It was hard to know how to help him through that time.  He became very depressed and started drinking.  Then he’d get angry and hateful and say a bunch of things she knew he didn’t mean.  He was always so apologetic the next day, knowing he’d messed up.  She almost left him again, but after an intervention, rehab, and some therapy, he started to get better.  They were both still so young at that time.  Barely 22.  Maybe their lives wouldn’t look like they had thought, but they were determined to make the best of it.  

Then Brian wormed his way into her life.  He showed up at her work one day, and they immediately hit it off.  She and Johnny were still recovering from his accident and the drinking and there was a time, loath as she was to admit it, that she considered ending it with Johnny for Brian.  He was even taller, with black hair, and greenish-grey eyes that were always smiling.  He was also several years older, and somehow he was always there to listen to Amber when things were bad at home.  Brian was a good, hard worker and was quickly rising through the ranks at work.  Soon, he’d oversee the whole office.  He was charming, intelligent, driven, and could always make her laugh.  Johnny had suspected that there was something there, though she vehemently denied it.  She never crossed the line, but she danced right up close. 

When Brian revealed his feelings for her that night in the parking lot, she wanted him, with everything in her. She wanted to leave Johnny alone in his depression and start fresh with someone new who seemed to have it all together, but in her heart, she knew she couldn’t do it.  Johnny had his problems, sure, but he had always been hers.  He had always loved her, was devoted to her, and had always been her cheerleader.  She couldn’t do that to him.  Brian looked good on the outside, but something was off about him.  He seemed too good to be true, and if something seems that way, it usually is. Two weeks later, Brian was hauled out of the office in handcuffs for money laundering.  Close call.

Amber squeezed Johnny’s belly a little tighter.  How fiercely she loved this man.  She couldn’t imagine what her life would’ve been like without him.  What if she had left him for Brian?  Where would she be now?  She couldn’t bear to think of it.  She instead turned her mind to happier things.  She went through the checklist in her mind of things she and the kids needed to do to make sure this night was as remarkable as the man she was sharing it with.  Who cares what might have been? This was right now, and she couldn’t be happier.