All This Time

She had been hospitalized for a long time when all of us decided to finally go and meet her.

Actually none of us had the courage to see her individually. We were scared to see the fear in her eyes.

Jay, being the idiot of the group, started the conversation. And what he said proved to be quite painful for him.

He went close to her, help her hand and said.

"Siya, I wish I had cancer, I don't want to live anyway."

Now, I understand why Jay would say that, actually the whole class does. He went through a breakup recently. But hey, he was already halfway into liking another girl. He said the wrong words at the wrong time. For as soon as Siya heard these lines...she punched him hard on the nose, which started bleeding instantly. Everybody was shocked and Siya was as calm as anything. She waited for him to grab a tissue and then held his hand and said

"Think getting punched like this for the remaining of your life and then rethink if you want to have cancer like me."

For a patient, Siya was fierce as hell.

That's the thing about the mentality regarding patients. We expect them to be weak. But Siya wasn't. She was as bold as she was in class.

Everybody thought what to say to her after Jay got punched.

We had never really talked before. But I always respcted her for her boldness. She wasn't the kind of bold thst speaks up in the class. No. She never spoke during the class to answer a question when you knew she had already solved it. But she always spoke up for what was right. She spoke up in middle of the ground when someone was bullying a child, when somebody intervened a que. She was never scared. At least, she never looked like it. I always admired her for that. 

I don't know what I was feeling when I saw her bedridden like that. Her cheeks sunk, her eyes bearing darkcircles. She still had her hair but it was much thinner than it used to be. But there was one thing I didn't see...the fear we were afraid to see in her eyes. In those bright, lit up eyes, there was no place for fear. Only light. 

You already think I like her, don't you? Well, I don't. Not that way. I just love how she carries herself. Witch grace and dignity. And the best part is, she is not aware of it. That's just how she is. She's not trying to be elegant. She just is. I still remember the first time we talked.

I was surrounded by the whole class as I had become the new class president. She came cutting across the crowd and stretched her hand to congratulate me. That handshake was the first time I got goosebumps. I don't know why. She started saying something unexpectedly. She asked me if I could look at a list of changes she expects in the class. And I have to say, not all of them were good suggestions. She wanted the curtains to be black. I mean, that's not very classroomy, is it? But I said I'd look what can be done. She looked more than happy. She thanked me. And went just like that. 

I wouldn't say I very goodlooking, but I am wuite popular. Maybe because I became the president of class or maybe because I have many friends. Whatever the reason may be, I aways felt out of place. Like I didn't belong there. 

I almost always saw her enter and leave school. She never noticed me as far as I know. And now it was my turn to speak to her.

As I came close and opened my mouth to utter my first proper indroductry words to her, her nurse said she needed to rest and she gave me a smile before going to sleep. While all others left, I didn't leave the hospital. I stayed there figuring out my firstor probably also the last words to her. I was well aware that she might not survive this. Although the thought scared me. It scared me to think she was our age. And it could be me lying there fighting death. Somehow, it was a relief it was not me. But a pain that it was her. Not that i wosh somebody else should've had it. I just wished nobody had been in that place. But nonetheless, she was. 

I finally finalized my first words very carefully. "Would you like to talk about something?"

That's what I asked the next morning. She gave a faint smile and said something that gave me a terrible pain in the chest.

"Now that I'm dying, I can probably say this without any embarrassment...I love you. Maybe this is what deathbeds are for."

"To joke with others?"

"No...but to be purely true."

She was not joking. And I couldn't comprehend what she said. She was a dying girl who confessed her love for me. What was I supposed to do? Hold her? Tell her I'm sorry? Say that I love her too? Which I didn't. 

Till then.

I was too confused. And she smiled yet again and everything was calm. 

"I don't need a reply. I'm good. Just wanted to let you know."

I relaxed a bit. And then started to say something. But she interrupted -

"Don't say something stupid."

I was going to, actually. She saved me. God, she knew me well for a girl who never talked to me.

Months passed and I became a regular visitor. I was falling for her. No matter if she looked freakishly thin and pale. She was alive and that's all that mattered. Now, you're expecting her to die any moment, aren't you?

Well, to all happy ending lovers...she didn't die. It was a miracle for me. Because I had lost all hope. But she lived. I wouldn't say it's a happy "ending" because hey, we just started going out and it's going pretty well. We play with dogs and find new puns. And now and then she goes to her doctor to get a check up and I close my eyes to pray with all my heart that she's okay. Every day with her is special. For some, it's sickening and nauseating because the feeling of love has never touched many and has left many devasted. But for us, love has been the perfect friend. 

I was in the corridor when I heard a boy scream in pain. Blood on the floor. Jay again had a bloody nose. Siya again was the one who punched him. The whole school was silent.

"Don't you dare say that again." She screamed at him.

I asked her later what was it all about.

She told me Jay said I was gay.

And I looked her in the eye for just a moment before withdrawing my gaze. 

I stammered.

"Siya...that's that's true...I...I was with him. He has pictures of me and him."

"I know. I always knew." She said.

And I, once again, looked at her in utter astonishment.

And I knew then that I loved her. I really did.

And I asked to myself - "Maybe...all this time?"