My Only Sunshine

It was exhausting. Fighting wind and rain, sleet and snow, hail and fog day after day. Protecting the little spark that seemed constantly on the verge of fading away. 

“Don’t forget to leave before rush hour on your way home this weekend,” her father reminded her over the phone, “you know it turns a three hour drive into four and a half hours.”

“Yes, Dad, I know. I just gotta make sure I time my work in the lab right. I told you my advisor gets upset when I leave early so I gotta make sure all my work is finished so he doesn’t have any ammo.”

“Okay well just make sure you hurry. I got to go, see you Friday. Love you.”

The three beeps of an iphone call ending rang loudly in her ear. Lily pulled the phone away and looked at the screen with a sigh.

 “Love you too.”

Walking back inside the apartment, she made sure the alerts were turned up on her phone before slipping it back into her pocket. Gotta make sure I don’t miss a notification. She rolled her eyes. Having such a close relationship with her only parent seemed great when she lived at home. It did have its way of backfiring when she moved out. Emotional closeness and physical distance didn’t mix very well. 

“Did you tell your dad hi for me?” Gabby asked. She was everything Lily wasn’t. Tall, beautiful, wild, and morally dubious. Lily was religious, not easily trusting, and slow to forgive, whereas Gabby believed crystals told the future, believed every guy that told her what she wanted to hear, and would keep feeding the mouth that bit her. She was a few years older than Lily, had gone through more guys than she could probably count, but had the kindest heart Lily had ever met. 

“Yep! He says hi,” Lily answered. “So, did he respond?” she questioned Gabby, as she walked over to the couch.

“No,” Gabby groaned. “I know he saw the message. How do I make him answer? Can you maybe text him? It's been six months, we’re practically already boyfriend and girlfriend.”

Yeah, Gabby. It's been six months and he hasn’t made you his official girlfriend yet. Why can’t you see the issue here?

“I’m sure he's just thinking about how to respond. But, Gabby, don’t you think he would’ve already asked you to be his girlfriend if that’s what he wanted?”

“He’s just worried because his job has him traveling a lot. I just have to reassure him it doesn’t bother me.”

You’ve reassured him of that every week for the last 3 months. Lily mentally sighed. It was always difficult to determine when to cross the line from protective friend to supportive friend. She wanted the best for Gabby. A lot of men had taken advantage of her kind heart. They used her and dumped her and Lily was tired of seeing the tears they left of Gabby’s face. But a lot of time there was no convincing her that whatever new guy she was talking to was the same. She would listen to her advice, but never use it. It kept Lily up at night. 

“Have him meet us out Saturday night. You can go to the bathroom,” Lily made air quotes with her fingers, “and I can talk to him.”

“Ugh good idea. I just gotta wait until he responds first. He always ignores my question and changes the subject.” Gabby hadn’t once looked up from her phone, staring at the open conversation and willing a new message to appear.

“Cool. I think I’m gonna head out. Text me and let me know what he says,” Lily mumbled as she got up and grabbed her bag. 

“Sounds good. Let me know when you get home!” Gabby glanced up from her phone and smiled widely.

“Will do, goodnight!” Lily walked out of the apartment and leaned against the door. She took a deep breath of the cold night air. Then another one. Her lungs never seemed to fill up all the way. It was like there was something in there that kept that true feeling of fullness just out of reach. Her eyes lost focus as she continued to stand there. The darkness in her mind consumed her thoughts like a blanket settling over her. Her once robust wildfire was no more than a candle now, barely able to illuminate a train of thought. Tonight's Gabby windstorm had been a tough one on her emotions. Conflicted and exhausted, she made the trek home.

She felt like a steamroller was driving over her every day. She went home most weekends because her dad missed her. Her only friend cared more about a guy who didn’t really want to see her. Her boss lacked any patience and empathy. With every interaction Lily had, there was always some sort of storm she had to fight. Her advisor was a snowstorm, cold and demanding. Her friends the wind, wild and forlorn. Her dad the rain. Her love life a fog. Every day she wished for sunshine. Every Sunday she spent an hour at church asking God for a few minutes of clear skies. Sometimes she could hear him laughing at her. There was one thing that kept her candle lit. But even that sometimes flickered. Hope.

Her hope was named Jonathan. He was everything a good man wanted to be. Kind, patient, caring, and full of sunshine. He’d blind her sometimes. They were fast friends when they first met. Of course that turned into a big crush on his end. She still didn’t know if guys and girls could stay true friends. Out of the overwhelming fear of losing him she kept their relationship friendly. That didn’t stop them from texting and calling every day, spending time together, buying each other things. She was as bad as Gabby’s six-month maybe-boyfriend. Through every storm, Jonathan kept her warm and she was reluctant to give that up. But now she was cold. 

Jonathan got tired of her. She wasn’t as consistent as he. Going months at a time without checking in with him. She had a weird habitat of isolating when the storms threatened to drown her. And then she forgot that sunshine dries up all the rain and the sun stopped forgiving her. She deserved it, she knew. She gave him false hope, neglected their friendship and was a right bitch. Her wildfire fizzled down to a hearth in with one quick text. WIth the sunshine gone, it quickly shrunk to the candle she clung to now. It was almost daily that she thought of him. Imagining the ghost of the warmth he brought her. No one has ever come close to replicating it. Not since him. No boyfriend, or friend, or visit to her dad’s. Her little candle allows her only to see a couple of feet in front of her. A couple of weeks. 

As Lily’s candle starts to burn out, she clings. She stays up to 4am writing her thoughts as stories like she used to do with him. She opens their old text conversations and rereads them. Even progresses through a game they used to play, pretending he's playing with her. She wants to be selfish. To text him or call him. But she knows his sunshine doesn’t deserve any rain clouds blocking it out. 

So she cries and tucks her candle deep down as it flickers.