The Life Of A Sexual Assault Victim

Not long ago, I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a friend. Everyday I would blame myself as that's how they made me feel. I would try everyday when I passed the person to forget about it. The constant questions in my head, "did I say the wrong thing? Was my shirt too low cut? Were my pants too tight fitting? Did I give off the wrong impression?" I would always wonder if it was my fault in any way. I remember my instructor, when I told him the look on his face. I remember the exact words he said to me that made me want to break down in tears, "it's not your fault." Those words would replay in my mind daily over and over. All I could do was wonder if this was true and try not to constantly fight this memory. It's been three years since this event, so I began to ponder how to move on. After a long time, I remembered I have to go back to the painful memory. Start from the beginning and identify the location, it was on the bus. I remember this blank day. I remember sitting with the person and trying to stay calm while being unsettled. The rest of the details I will spare as it's not something I like to share. I remember having to tell myself "you're okay, just breathe you are safe." It took me three years to come to the conclusion that I was safe. The next thing that I experienced was being self conscious about my clothing. I would put on clothes, then change clothes rapidly within minutes before deciding in half an hour. I would always worry if what I wore would sexualize me. Even though most of the time I wore a simple pair of jeans and a shirt. It took me months before I would ever wear a dress or skirt again because what if it showed off my legs? If I did would that mean it would happen again? Eventually once I thought clearly and reflected on my life and what this incident did to me I realized something. No one should ever feel safe in a world full of crime, however they should feel safe in their own clothes, in their own skin. It took awhile for me to believe this despite knowing that my clothes shouldn't determine what something does to me. Once I came to terms with this I started to feel more confident in myself. After that another thought would appear and another problem would arrive. I would stop hanging out with my friends due to the fear of one of them secretly doing this to me. I wondered if I could actually trust anyone, or if I even should. “I gave away my trust too easily” I thought even though all I did was believe in earning someone's trust. I stopped that belief for years until I realized, anyone is capable of doing what happened to me. Now I live with the thought of not just seeing the negative in someone just because of something that happened to you. This will cause you to be anxious, depressed, and sacred for the rest of your life. You have to find a way to identify the good things that happen in your life despite all the negative things that happen. What happened when I would zone off and somebody would tap my shoulder. I would freeze and lock up my face filled with fear. My body language would drastically change no matter who it was. I would become scared with the slightest poke, all I could think is "oh no it's going to happen again." I'm so grateful for my friends because they helped me become comfortable with being tapped or poked. They would hug me and just hold me no matter what happened. In a calm voice they would always reassure me saying "it's okay you're safe now." I never felt safe after that incident. I always was in constant fear no matter where I was, no matter who I was with. Eventually the constant reassurance and patience taught me an important lesson. The people who really care about you will be there for you no matter how fast or slow your recovery is. No matter if they think you're overreacting, they will support you because they care about you. Through all of this learning over three years I had to reflect on myself. I had to remember what I was worth because no matter what happened to me I was worth something. I am a living human being who deserves to live a happy life. I learned that it wasn't my fault that what happened, had happened. They did it without my say so in the matter. I learned that I could talk to someone about this situation. I could rely on my friends and family to be here. I could be confident in the clothes that I picked because I thought that I looked good in a piece of clothing. That if I got poked or wanted to be with someone and hold hands that it was okay. Yes I was a victim to a crime that is so difficult to handle, but that doesn't define who I am. Just because you're a victim you're not defined by that. You are defined by the person you decide to be. You are defined by the actions and self reflection you do to take care of yourself. While learning that it is alright to ask for help when it is needed. I was so happy knowing that the people in my life were willing to be there for me. No matter the time or day, if I needed them they were there. I'm also so proud of the person I am for being strong enough to think about my life. To get my act together and learn how to live a normal life again. I had to reflect on one of the most horrific parts of my life. I always try to explain to people that it's okay to speak up, It is okay to not be okay despite the belief that some families and people have. Your mental health and your life is more important. Your trauma may hurt you but it doesn't define who you are. You're the person you are by your actions not the actions of someone else. The victims of sexual assault who speak up are heros in their own way. They stop future accounts of this from happening. I will never regret sharing my story and speaking up. I will always be proud to reflect on my life and this event to remember that it doesn't define me.