This Will Be the Death of Me

Trigger warnings: Violence, blood

“One bullet; your mom or your boyfriend. Who are you saving?” 

A giggle rises up and gushes out of my mouth at the absurdity of the question, only to drown a few seconds later in what little beer was left in my fifth cup. I hum in amusement and reflection, and Mitesh, the latter option of my dilemma, elbows me in the side. 

I look back at Jamie, the perpetrator of the question, and she wiggles her eyebrows, anxiously awaiting my answer.  

“Mitesh” I say, with a loud belch afterwards. The group laughs around the campfire, and through my drunken haze it’s hard to tell the difference between their smiling eyes, the fireflies, and the stars.  

Trees tower around us, giants who watch over our silly game with neutral, unimpressed expressions. This forest has been around for hundreds of years at the edge of our small town. They’ve probably seen much worse things than a group of five young adults emptying a keg on the first night of their three-day camping trip. 

“Really?" Asks Mitesh with a coy grin. It’s the same grin that pulled me in and wrapped it’s playful fingers around my still-beating heart, taking possession.  

Even drunk out my mind, intoxicated enough to give our polluted atmosphere a run for its money, I smile and nod with all the sincerity that sober me would've answered the question with as well. He already knew I'd save him; my relationship with my mother is too heavy with grief and trauma from the past for us to ever really be okay again. 

Besides, I couldn’t bear living my life without Mitesh in it. I know I’m still young, but I genuinely think I'd die of heartbreak. I never knew love could be such a strong, prominent and unbreakable emotion until him. 

Jessie takes a swig of her beer before asking the next question. “Okay, what about between your mom and your best friend?” 

Taylor laughs and answers in my place; “Me. Duh.” 

Jessie looks at me for confirmation and I giggle while nodding, because once again I’d let my mom die to save someone who matters a hundred times more to me. Nothing and no one could ever replace the sacred bond that Taylor and I have shared since we were children. When we were still in grade school, we used to pretend that we were long lost twins, despite our looking nothing alike. What else could explain the intricate way our souls have intertwined? If I lost Taylor, I’d be losing half of myself in the process.  

“How about this, then? If you had to kill either Mitesh or Taylor, who would it be?” Asks Lucas. The love of my life, or my platonic soulmate. There’s no way he honestly expects me to choose between them, does he? 

My grin falters and I look at Lucas, who’s the only one without a red solo cup in his hand. I don’t like Lucas all that much, but he’s Jamie’s cousin and her aunt practically begged we take him with us on our weekend getaway. Jamie didn’t want to bring him either (even she thinks he can be very off-kilter at times), but she owed her aunt a favor from when she babysat Jamie’s puppy while she was on work trip a few weeks ago. 

His face remains completely unaltered, even after asking such a personal question. If it weren’t for his baggy, black clothes he could’ve passed as one of the impassive trees. In my mind I picture him growing to the size of one of the giants, a cool expression towering over the rest of us. 

“I can’t answer that,” I say with a small smile. I try to muster as much politeness as I can, despite my distaste for him. Just about an hour ago we all watched him pick up an innocent garden snake and stretch it until it became two lifeless halves of a once beautiful creature.  None of us said anything, we just continued chugging beer and pretending that everything was fine. 

I shake my head and rattle the negative thoughts out through my ears. I watch as they float up to the moon with the smoke from the burning logs.  

Lucas stands up from his outstretched position on the dirt ground littered with snapping twigs and beetles as black as his eyes. He raises a steady hand and points a finger gun at me, blinking once, twice, before saying, “What if I was holding a gun to your head? What if I told you that if you didn’t choose one, I’d kill both?”  

For the first time since I’ve known him, Lucas shows some expression. His lips start to curl into a nasty smile, and his eyes, though they’re trained on me, look like they’re imaging a scenario where he was actually killing the two most important people in the world to me. I imagine the roots of the giant trees springing forth from the ground and becoming arms and legs, all of them pulling closer and closer to me, their enormous feet stomping out the fire.  

“God, Lucas, why do you have to be so embarrassing?” says Jamie. She gets up and walks over to him, tugging on the arm that’s still outstretched towards me. “Would you sit down already?” 

Lucas wheels around and points the finger gun to Jamie’s forehead, pressing his index roughly into her skin. “Why don’t you sit down, Jamie?” 

With the combination of a single second and a swift motion, Lucas reaches with his free hand into his back pocket and pulls out a small handgun. He points it straight at his cousin’s forehead, and before the shock even registers on Jamie’s face, her blood and brains litter my body the same way red leaves litter the forest floor in the fall. 

The buzz from the alcohol in my ears (or was it from the gunshot?) dies down instantly as Taylor screams loud enough to wake the dead. Lucas is smiling like a maniac as he turns towards me. From less than 10 feet away, he points the same gun that murdered Jamie straight at my own forehead.  

The arms of the trees are getting closer, and I can feel their rough roots brushing up against my neck.  

“So, who will it be? Mitesh?” He points the gun at Mitesh, who’s sitting frozen beside me, painted in a crimson red, “Or Taylor?” He aims his gun at Taylor, who begins to sob instantly.  

Taylor falls to their knees, begging for their life. They offer money, their life savings. They offer their prepaid trip to Spain next month. They offer up everything, everything they’ve ever owned and everything they will ever own, in exchange for their life. The only thing missing at this point is their unborn first child. 

But Lucas doesn't want things. He wants a thrill. He wants blood on his hands.  

I want to call his bluff, but if he’s willing to shoot his own cousin in the face without second thought, I’m willing to bet two acquaintances would be even less of a loss in his book. 

“Common, it can’t be that hard...” muses Lucas. “You can either lose one, or both. The choice is up to you.” 

The trees wrap around my neck as I turn to towards Mitesh, who looks at me with pleading eyes. He reaches into the pocket of his cargo shorts and pulls out a black velvet box, opening it slowly to show me a sparkling ring, a small part of the glowing Sun nestled into an infinite loop, promising forever.  

His voice breaks when he speaks. “Please...”  

I shut my eyes tight and hold my head in my hands, thinking of our condo back in the city with all of our unpacked boxes keeping it full and alive while we’re away. I think of our cat, Bella, at home alone and our plans to start trying to have a kid. I see the love of my life, and in his eyes, I see the reciprocated emotions. I see the arms that hold me close in our bed, the lips that break me and rebuild me from dusk till dawn. I see my future. 

I look to wear Taylor is in a puddle on the floor, and in their eyes I see my past. I see my home every time my mom was too high to remember my name. I see the broken soul that recognized mine when I told them about Mom’s handsy boyfriends. I see the shoulder I cried on when my sister took her own life, and the arms that hugged me when I got out of juvie, forgiving me, always forgiving me. Mostly, I see their excitement for their top surgery appointment next week; a dream they’d kept a secret most of their life. Can I really let them die without having fully lived the way they’re supposed to yet?  

The trees tighten around my neck, constricting my airflow. They very things I once found so beautiful are now killing me, strangling me. I bring my hands up to my neck, trying to untangle the roots, but I pull away instantly when I feel the sticky, warm blood of the mangled corpse lying on the other side of the fire. 

This will be the death of me. 

“I can’t...” I start. 

“You have to, or else it’s both of them.” The smile on Lucas’ face belongs to the devil.  

I look back and forth between my two soulmates, my two worlds, my two everythings. I see the roots reaching for them too, snaking through the air towards their own necks. If I don’t fix this, we will all die. 

I stand up and take a wobbly step towards Lucas. My brain may feel clearer than it was before, but my body betrays me as I take another couple of unsteady steps towards the murderer.  Even despite the roots trying to pull me backwards, the strength of the entire forest pulling me down, down, down, I push towards Lucas with the fire from the pit now in my eyes and in my gut. 

I’m going to take his gun, and I'm going to kill him. 

This conviction, this truth, drives me forward. But my brain is too slow. Maybe it’s not as clear as I thought it was. Maybe I haven't sobered up in the heat of the moment, in the severity of the situation, because I didn’t equate for the fact that there’s a chance that he would shoot me instead. That maybe the roots of the trees wouldn’t break my fall. That maybe my last breath would be taken lying next to Jamie’s corpse. That I would hear two more gunshots go off before I close my eyes.