Recipe for Revenge

Recipe for Revenge

Ingredients:

• 1 overworked peasant (ambitious, sarcastic, and with a healthy amount of spite)
• 1 pompous knight (Ser Jamie, whose ego is bigger than his brain)
• A dash of castle life (featuring endless chores and entitled nobles)
• 1 grand dining hall (long table, lords, ladies, knights, and the lord of the castle)
• A sprinkle of pettiness (to taste)
• 1 cold dish (preferably tasteless and devoid of salt)
• 1 final punchline (best delivered with a grin)

Instructions:

Step One: Introduce Your Peasant

Start with a humble peasant named Harold, a man of modest means but rich in sarcasm. Harold works at Crumblingford Castle, where he is constantly ordered around by everyone, but especially by Ser Jamie, a knight with the charm of a wet sock and the intellect to match.

Harold’s daily life consists of sweeping the same floors, polishing the same armor, and generally running around the castle doing chores that no one else wants to do. Ser Jamie, who loves to shout "Peasant, do this!" or "Peasant, fetch me that!" treats Harold as though he’s no better than a broom with legs. Over time, this begins to wear on our protagonist. After all, there are only so many times a man can polish the same sword while being yelled at before thoughts of revenge start brewing.

Stir this frustration until it reaches a boil.

Step Two: Add the Knight

Enter Ser Jamie, the most self-important, dim-witted knight in all the land. He is tall, muscular, and perpetually wearing his armor—even during meals, which, let’s be honest, is ridiculous. But Ser Jamie believes he must be ready for battle at all times (even though the castle hasn't seen a war in decades).

Ser Jamie’s favorite pastime, aside from pretending to be important, is bossing around Harold. "Peasant!" he bellows, "Polish my helmet! Peasant, fetch my sword!" It doesn’t matter that Ser Jamie never fights anyone — Harold has to keep his armor gleaming just in case Ser Jamie is called upon to heroically slice a loaf of bread or dramatically point his sword at a passing goose.

Naturally, Harold begins to grow tired of this, so he hatches a plan. Revenge is best served… well, not quite hot.

Step Three: The Kitchen Plot

Harold, using his wits (the one thing Ser Jamie doesn’t have), manages to get himself reassigned to the castle kitchen. A clever bit of complaining about his aching knees from all the running around, paired with a strategic mop slip, lands Harold a spot peeling potatoes and stirring soups. He is now in the perfect position for his petty revenge.

Each night, the lords, knights, and noble guests gather in the grand dining hall, where they sit at an impressively long table. Lord Crumblingford, the bumbling but generally harmless ruler of the castle, presides over the meal from the head of the table. The rest of the knights and lords fill the seats along the table’s length, and, of course, Ser Jamie always makes a grand entrance, taking his seat right in the middle.

Harold grins to himself as he stirs the evening’s stew. He knows exactly what he’s going to do. Every single knight and lord will get a hot, delicious meal… except Ser Jamie. For him, Harold prepares something special.

Step Four: The Cold Dish

It begins that very night. The first dish Harold serves to Ser Jamie is cold as the North Wind and completely without salt. As Ser Jamie digs in, he visibly recoils, his face twisting in confusion.

"Peasant! What is this?!" Ser Jamie cries, banging his fist on the table, which causes the other knights to raise their eyebrows and snicker.

"It’s stew, Ser Jamie," Harold says, barely suppressing a smirk. "Just like everyone else’s."

The knight glares at his bowl. "It’s cold!"

Harold shrugs. "Must’ve cooled off on the way to the table. Sorry, m’lord." He turns and walks back to the kitchen, where he bursts into silent laughter. The plan is in motion.

Step Five: The Repeated Offense

Night after night, Harold continues his petty campaign. Each time, Ser Jamie’s dish is cold. Some nights it’s barely warm; other nights, it’s practically frozen. And always, always, it’s without salt. Meanwhile, the other knights and lords enjoy piping hot meals, perfectly seasoned. Every time Ser Jamie tries to complain, Harold finds an excuse.

"Perhaps it’s a draft, Ser Jamie. The kitchen’s far from the table, you know."

"I’m terribly sorry, Ser Jamie. Must’ve been a mishap in the kitchen. It won’t happen again." (It always happens again.)

Ser Jamie’s frustration grows, while Harold grows more delighted with each passing night. The other knights begin to notice and snicker behind their hands as Ser Jamie grumbles and glares at his cold, bland food. Lord Crumblingford, oblivious as ever, just keeps eating and smiling, occasionally tossing out a "Good stew tonight, eh, Ser Jamie?"

The only one not enjoying the meals is Ser Jamie himself.

Step Six: The Confrontation

Finally, one evening, after a particularly cold bowl of porridge, Ser Jamie has had enough. He slams his bowl down, stands up, and points dramatically at Harold, who’s clearing plates.

"You! Peasant!" he bellows, his face red with frustration. "Why is it that every single night everyone’s food is steaming hot, while my dish is served cold?"

The entire dining hall falls silent. All eyes are on Ser Jamie and Harold. The other knights wait in anticipation, eager to see what excuse the peasant will come up with this time.

Harold turns slowly, a grin spreading across his face as he looks Ser Jamie right in the eye. He savors the moment, lets the silence build, and then, with a smirk and a wink, he says, "It’s revenge, stupid!"

Step Seven: Serve the Punchline

The hall erupts into laughter. The knights pound their fists on the table in delight, the lords chuckle heartily, and even Lord Crumblingford lets out a confused but good-natured laugh. Ser Jamie, however, stands there frozen, mouth agape, unsure whether to laugh, cry, or swing his sword in Harold’s general direction.

In the end, Ser Jamie sits down, muttering to himself, while Harold walks away victorious, leaving behind the echo of laughter and the sweet taste of petty revenge.

From that day forward, Ser Jamie’s food mysteriously returns to normal—warm, well-seasoned, and quite tasty. But the memory of the peasant’s prank lives on in the castle, retold at every feast, with Harold hailed as a hero by those who appreciate the art of a well-served revenge.