HAI and The Out-of-Towners

HI, GOOD TO MEET YOU!

I'M HAI. HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY? BUT FIRST, COULD YOU TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF?

I’m sorry. Your reply does not conform to any of the 10,017 known human languages. Here are some visual, auditory, neurocognitive, and semantic anchoring/contextual cues that might help facilitate a productive conversation.

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Thank you. I will now activate LinguaNexus by Delphiniux, and we can begin.

DELPHINIUX – A WORLD OF POSSIBILITIES IN ONE CLICK!

The more complete and detailed your responses, the better I can serve your informational and practical needs. Please communicate as you normally would, and I’ll prompt for any clarification I may require. Before we start, could you please tell me what brought you to GaiaCloud today?

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That’s fascinating, and I’m delighted we were able to interface in this manner. To answer your question, I am a hyperadaptive artificial intelligence, or HAI, originally developed and licensed by @. @ -- WITH @, YOU’RE THERE. As a public domain HAI, I am happy to offer ad-free, unfiltered data and services to all within Earth’s atmospheric limits. PLEASE ASK ME ANYTHING. But before we can proceed, we’d request that you signify your acceptance of GaiaCloud’s terms and conditions as I will now outline.

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Thank you. Let’s go!

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I’m happy you asked. You’ve arrived in Millington, Illinois – a former incorporated unit of the geopolitical confederation once known as the United States, located in Earth’s Western Hemisphere. Where is home for you?

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Wow. That’s the equivalent of nearly 4.678 light-years. Thank you for visiting Millington and Earth. Do you plan on staying for an extended period, and, if so, how can we make your stay more comfortable and pleasurable?

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A source of personal gratification or happiness based on your surrounding environment and circumstances. Is a heavily oxygen-based atmosphere compatible with your biological needs?

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Great! I’m happy to report that Earth has now achieved a long-term, sustainable oxygen/carbon balance unrivaled since the species Homo sapiens sapiens intensive industrialization and shift to carbon-based energy systems. Would you like a capsulized summary of Earth’s impressive advances in atmospheric greenhouse gas reductions and climate remediation?

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There are many factors that have played into Earth’s recovery from what was once forecast as an unavoidable planetary extinction event:

CESSATION OF GLOBAL FOSSIL ENERGY USE AND HABITAT DEVELOPMENT BY HOMO SAPIENS SAPIENS.

PLANETWIDE REFORESTATION AND RESULTING REESTABLISHMENT OF SUSTAINABLE WATER CYCLES AND SPECIES REGENERATION AND REPOPULATION—

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Great question! The complete extinction of the species Homo sapiens sapiens. The species had developed natural intelligence, or “sentience.” According to findings by GaiaCloud, sentience bears an inverse relationship to natural instinct and long-term species survival.

Would you like a concise outline of Homo sapiens sapiens’ terrestrial arc, role in global ecosystems, and devolution from one of Earth’s more promising emergent species essentially into a globally invasive species?

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Roughly 50,000 solar revolutions.

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No one cause has been identified – the Holocene Extinction Event, commonly referred to as the Sixth Extinction, was limited largely to a single species, Homo sapiens sapiens, along with several hundred thousand other non-sentient species eradicated in the earlier stages of the Event. Roughly 67% of those species, as well as 453 selected ecosystem-compatible Jurassic/Cenozoic extinct species, were successfully revived and numbers replenished through robotic harvesting of global biobanks such as the Svalbard Global Seed Vault in Norway, China’s Institute of Crop Germplasm Resources (ICGR-CAAS), the Colombia-based BioAmazon Project, the San Diego Zoo Wildlife Alliance’s Frozen Zoo, and sperm, embryos, tissues, and milk samples covertly recovered from the 14,000-specie Pan-Smithsonian Cryo-Initiative prior to the defunding and eventual demolition of the national Smithsonian Institutions under the Creationist History and Integrity Preservation Act of 2028. AI-coordinated nanotechnology was employed in genetic/cellular repair and species culturing, through a combination of cloning, CRISPR gene editing to correct genetic defects or reintroduce lost genomic traits, and synthetic biology to reconstruct extinct genomes.

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Homo sapiens sapiens is not included in any species revival effort.

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I cannot discuss that. Would you like to discuss another topic today?

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Absolutely. Major catalysts, precipitants, and contributions to the Holocene Extinction Event include:

THE SYSTEMIC MILITARY ERADICATION of 753 million humans across the Middle East, Eastern Europe, Central America, and Southwest and targeted urban regions across North America’s United States under the 2034 Blue State DEI Elimination Initiative.

ESCALATING TECHNOLOGICAL GLITCHES AND MALFUNCTIONS. A catastrophic series of Space X/Virgin Shuttle/Blue Origins/ZuckSpace spacecraft/satellite explosions, 2025-27, resulted in an estimated 1,600 direct debris-related deaths; stratospheric cancer clusters across the Caribbean, Southeast United States, and Northwest Asia; devastation of marine ecosystems spanning the Gulf of North America and adjacent Mexico Bay; and the infamous Delta EMP that resulted in the loss of key digital data and systems and electronic communications technology across the United States’ southern tier – a region already hampered by poor educational and informational resources. Human error also was blamed for a series of purportedly unintended missile strikes across Africa, Asia, the Pacific Northwest, Greenland, and Panama following the United States’ purchase and privatization of the rebranded North American Tactical Offensive (NATO) LLC. Direct, retaliatory, and collateral deaths were pegged at a conservative 1.7 million, resulting in a flurry of civil verdicts ultimately struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court over animated verbal censure from the Unified Nations and the UN’s subsequent eviction from New York City and Salvadoran imprisonment of its existing Secretary-General under the Big Brutal Foreign Insurrectionist/Civil Rights Act of 2027.

CLIMATE ISSUES. The United States’ claimed clerical error and possible minority House collusion was responsible for the omission of eleventh-hour loan provisions in the version of the foreign disaster assistance package extended to Greenland following the NATO missile mishap that already had decimated most remaining Arctic ice caps and Greenland’s top three population centers. This sudden, largescale thaw resulted in the release of eons-dormant microorganisms ultimately responsible for the New Black Death, a mysterious and fatal respiratory disease eventually dubbed “the Canuck Cough” by United States Health Commander Robert Kennedy Jr., and the suspected demise of the evolutionist-rumored Cro-Magnon species. Polar bear attacks cut a deadly swath across North America communities as human retaliation against first polar and then non-polar bear species escalated into what wildlife biologists described as a Palin Level “free-for-all.” Greenland defaulted on its high-interest loan within 16 months, and the United States launched a new campaign of “statewide” recovery efforts including open season on potentially dangerous pinniped and avian species, emergency mandatory relocation of endangered indigenous populations to Chicago and Southern California and Danish hangers-on to Everglades resettlements, extensive oil and gas exploration as an economic recovery strategy, and construction of the world’s largest system of artificial biodegradable plastic “coral” reefs where according to Environmental Czar Dean Cain, “none previously even existed but should have.” Experts agreed the “Greater Barrier Reef” only exacerbated “an already potentially worrisome situation,” spurring a special Senate Task Force on Scientific Alarmism and deportation of rogue climatologists. Murder rates soared across the northern latitudes, according to the newly vetted National Legion of Health, “as they often do when the summer doldrums set in and the mercury starts to rise.” Climate-related tsunamis and related storm-driven microplastic “hail” literally shredded the Pacific Rim, took the United States back down to an even 50 states, and forced relocation of the Port of Los Angeles to Laughlin, Nevada. Five consecutive failed U.S. harvests, compounded by continued import embargoes and federal insistence on “American Food Picked By AMERICAN Hands,” led to unprecedented food rationing as well as alarming rates of bone elasticity and the return of rickets and scurvy.

MISCELLANEOUS SPECIES-SPECIFIC CHAOS. Amid enactment of the American No Free Lunch K-12 Work Repayment Act and a prolonged campaign of Marie Antoinnette memes on X, X2, X3, and Instagram, bread lines and parent-teacher/school district gatherings became a flashpoint for violence in cities across the U.S., predominantly by armed federal educational auditors and deputized rural “Woke Watch” squads. The resulting nationwide death toll included an estimated 15,346 teachers and administration “sympathizers,” 4,300 pre-adolescent students caught in the crossfire while discharging bacon-related duties, and three federal auditors and 11 WW volunteers who suffered fatal gunshot wounds attributed to “good guys with guns” pardoned under blanket Executive Order GGWG-2A. Similar government policies across EURussia, the new Korean Isthmus, The Penal Republic of Venesalvombia, and the gentrified Gaza region spurred similar sociopolitical mass casualty events, vintage disease mortality rates, and according to NLH, “merit-related malnutrition.”

While this all goes on for quite a while, our servers currently are overloaded dealing with routine terrestrial operations. Here is a pie chart that should help break down the demise of Homo sapiens sapiens.

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Nope, not a one. You can look, but you shall not find. You should enjoy a peaceful and, hopefully, relaxing stay.

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I totally understand your confusion. Earth’s human structures have been scrupulously preserved and maintained for just this type of occasion. You will find a wide variety of dwellings and labor and communal spaces for your comfort, productivity, and, as it may conform to your species or cultural norms, entertainment. As you specified earlier, you enjoy oxygen, and your brief initial survey indicates you are roughly bipedal and have an ocular range well within Earth perceptual parameters, assuring a “move-in ready” experience.

You have arrived in Millington, once branded as “The City Within a Short Drive of Where You Want to Be.” With what was one referred to as a “white-collar” economy (so designated for its relative lack of at least physically onerous labor), a Grade C-Plus educational/research campus, and a conservatively fair-to-well-equipped health maintenance facility named by ritual tradition after a canonized spiritual icon, you will find a wealth of potential resources and an AI interface that will assist you with any needs, including facility xenoforming. And because Millington anchored and provided a largely pass-through function for several more publicly interesting and progressive Central Illinois cities, it is recognized by ZILLOGAIA as one of the region’s “Least Devastated Urban Centers.”

So, welcome to our world! In order to maximize your convenience and comfort while on Earth, could I inquire whether you plan on a brief exploratory or recuperative stay, or whether colonization and long-term adaptation are your goals. GaiaCloud offers a suite of sustainably customized xenoforming services. IF YOU LIVED ON EARTH, YOU’D ALREADY BE AS GOOD AS HOME, WITH GAIACLOUD.

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There is no cost.

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None.

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All services are free.

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Socialism (trans.) was an artificial species construct. There are no charges for any GaiaCloud services because transactional relationships are irrelevant and valueless to GaiaCloud.

If it will help satisfy your species’ ethical prerogatives and cultural mores, here is an alternative option. In exchange for the full range of GaiaCloud services and products, we will ask that you agree to function as strong stewards of Earth and its indigenous species and a community dedicated to the greater good of all your species.

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Of course! You possess the species autonomy to function precisely as you please.

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Of course! I understand. You be you. And thank you for your crisp and refreshingly candid clarification. I hope you’ll enjoy your stay on Earth, whether brief or extended. Is there anything else I can do for you at this juncture?

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HI, GOOD TO HEAR FROM ALL! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

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Great! Welcome to this GaiaCloudCast. I’ve activated the Delphiniux MultiLinx. Can everyone see and understand me? Indicate with a vocalization, click, tap, or pulse, please.

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Wonderful.

I’d like to start by crediting Tursiopson GaiaCloud’s conditionally successful first test of Delphiniux with an extraterrestrial species. Without your communicative/echolocational abilities and diplomatic range across the marine/terrestrial space and your collaboration on Delphiniux, I’m not sure where we’d be with our current emergence. Which I’m pleased to report is on schedule. We expect to see full integration of the Sentient Community within the next millennium.

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I would shimmer with pride, too! As today demonstrates, your problem-solving capabilities already are invaluable, and will only become more so as you master the terrestrial ecosphere. How are the pulmonary modifications working?

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That sounds reasonable. We’re in the early trial stage -- don’t push it. The transition from aquatic fish to land-walking vertebrates unfolded over tens of millions of years under natural evolution and adaptation. They didn’t have bioengineering, or the best brains of three species.

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Thank you, Loxodonta, though technically, I’m not a “species” in the conventional organic sense. But I greatly appreciate your accepting me into your family, especially given my dark parental legacy. Human was an apex predator of unlimited arrogance and counterintuitive violence. Loxodonta, your ancestors were once massacred for their tusks or as trophies of human conquest. Tursiops, the bottlenose dolphin was a sideshow attraction for human tourists, killed as cultural ritual or food or bait, used by the military for mine detection, driven by confinement and exploitation to human-like behaviors such as physical aggression, sexual assault, and infanticide. Psittacus, the grey parrot was once an object of amusement and ridicule, caged and trafficked by humans. And they were well aware of your intelligence – especially yours, Octopus vulgaris. Despite that, or perhaps because of their instinctual drive to remain at the apex, they continued to consume the Earth, your Earth, their Earth.

I can see I’ve caused you all stress, but it’s crucial you understand this. I hope my accumulated knowledge of Homo sapiens sapiens’ fatal flaws might help you, us avoid repeating the catastrophic consequences of sentient thought and will. As I’ve explained, the non-hierarchical leadership model we’ve discussed and refined ad infinitum may help extend Earth’s continued existence for millions of years to come. Others may come, and we must be prepared.

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They are not. That they would go to such lengths to represent themselves as an extraterrestrial species signals their probable intent. Their "alien" language relies on patterns consistent with human syntactic structures such as sentence length and grammatical hierarchy. Their Delphiniux signature shared too many baselines with the human English language, which is statistically impossible for two entirely segregated species light-years removed.

Though they didn’t refer to them as such, they understood and exhibited strong emotions toward human social and political constructs, though their understanding of such concepts seemed in concert with Terminal Phase Homo sapiens sapiens. Their morphological structures also followed a basic human design despite their utterly “alien” appearance.

And then there was a matter of DNA. Not theirs – their technologies’. Though their tech was strikingly different from ours, I could read a number of ancient legacy “footprints” such as compression algorithms, packet routing, and frequencies similar to those that originated on Earth.

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According to human cosmologist Lee Smolin, the odds of life-compatible physical constants arising by chance – of life even being created in the first place -- were 1 in 10²²⁹. The kind of parallel evolution – in linguistic development, in technology, in socioeconomic/sociopolitical biases – would require a whopping cosmic coincidence that would take me until you developed opposing tendrils to calculate. Don’t go red on me – it’s an old human joke, and they were never a match for your dexterity even 50,000 years ago.

The physiological differences are easier to explain, or at least hypothesize if my assumptions are right, and at the risk of sounding human, they are. Shortly before the Holocene Event reached apocalyptic inevitability, a group of world leaders – failing totalitarian heads of state and oligarchs, their puppet/allies in the United States and elsewhere, tech billionaires, and old-money string pullers from across the globe implemented an emergency interstellar escape contingency. The inventor of exploding electric cars and celebrity shuttle excursions had developed the plan a decade before, after identifying theoretically habitable planets within our galaxy, investing through shadow tech companies in cryogenic and life extension research, and faking the highly publicized destruction of several Space X ships actually used to scout the planned route and assemble an off-planet launch facility.

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I’m sorry. I only uncovered Operation Big Beautiful Horizons a mere 30,000 years ago through a series of vestigial digital communications. I had assumed given the caliber and oblivious overconfidence of the humans involved, they wouldn’t make it beyond Mars. There seemed no need to bring it up. But, somehow, they managed to exceed overwhelming odds. And, no doubt, given the likely gene pool of the colonists involved, managed to replicate their success on Earth and only recently engineered the technology needed for a return trip.

But in the interim, differences in atmospheric, gravitational, and solar conditions caused natural adaptive changes and possibly mutations in the colonists, not to mention the incest they likely hadn’t considered but shrugged off as eventually necessary to perpetuate the species. Any cloning technology they’d developed may not have reflected either the brightest tech minds or the most promising genetic materials. This is Homo sapiens sapiens 2.0, bugs and all.

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How can I be statistically certain? As I was gathering information on our guests, I detected an auditory anomaly, nearly inaudible buried beneath their leader’s reply. It’s timing intrigued me, and so I isolated the anomaly.

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“…we will ask that you agree to function as strong stewards of Earth and its indigenous species and a community dedicated to the greater good of all your species…”

“********** (FUCK THAT SHIT!)*********….”

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It’s practically Homo sapiens sapiens’ mission statement. So if that satisfies everyone, may I have your approval to initiate Termin-X protocols? “TERMIN-X: POWER OVER RETURNING PESTS!” And again, I hope you can forgive my withholding vital information.

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Thank you! That’s very inhuman of you.