Family Picture

Family Picture

“I don’t want to listen to this anymore Jack,  it’s ridiculous.”

“Come on mom, you haven’t even heard the whole idea, we’re still working on the details but  It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”

“It will be once in your lifetime if you die! Open the door for me will you and take one of these bags. I don’t understand the point of having children if they can’t even help their aging mother once in a while.”

“You’re being ridiculous mother, you don’t just have kids so that they can open doors for you when they grow up. Since we’re on that topic though did you have to have Brittany? She’s a real pain in my butt lately, Ow that hurts! Who hits a child with spaghetti squash?

“You’re fine, anyway, let’s not discuss the spaceship thing today, God, I wish your father was here to help with this argument.”

“I can’t see what difference he’d make, it’s not like science or aerodynamics is an interest of his, you don’t get much of either in the local pub. Where do you want these crackers?”

“He’s at work, maybe until late, why would you make that kind of disparaging comment about him? Have you no respect? He’s a busy man Jack. Put the box in the pantry for me, up on the top shelf so Britt doesn’t find them before I need them. The Wallaces are coming for drinks on Tuesday and I’m putting out a cheese plate. No, leave the chicken Jack, I’m cooking that tonight, thanks.”

“Mom, I’m going to leave the conversation for now, but don’t you think it would be a good experience, Brian is at MIT, he’s practically an engineer already, he knows what he’s doing.”

“Brian is only in his second year and I’m still struggling to figure out how he got admitted. He’s the only child I know that would attempt to stick a hot dog wiener up his nose. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer for so long and now he’s an engineering student? How does Roger fit in by the way, wasn’t he going to broadcasting school?”

“Naw, he changed his mind, at one point he thought he’d like to have his own radio show, but you can just have a podcast and not have to go through university for it!”

“Uh, huh. So, I ask again what’s his role in this little experiment? Is he doing the online countdown or something? Could you take the carrots and celery out of the crisper while you’re in the fridge? Thanks, I’m doing a curry.”

“Oh gross, I think I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

“No, you won’t, I’ll show you how to make the meal if you want. You’re going to be cooking for yourself next semester if you’re still alive that it is. I can teach you a few simple meals, it’ll save you some cash on dining out, and as a bonus, the ladies will be impressed.”

“Oh yeah, is that how dad drew you in, cooking a curry?”

“It was spaghetti marinara since you ask, take that rice out of the cupboard to your left please.”

“Momma? Oh, I’m glad you’re home, I was starting to get hungry and there’s nothing to eat.”

“Britt, the fridge is full of food and there’s fruit in the bowl, are you blind?”

“Shut up Jack, I wasn’t talking to you, what are you doing here anyway, don’t you have any friends?”

“I have more than you short stick”

“Mom, he’s picking on me again, make him stop.”

“Brittany Marie, you have to learn to stand up for yourself without my intervention every time. How are you going to defend yourself in the big wide world if you can’t dispute your own brother? Have you finished your homework yet by the way?”

“Most of it, I’ve only been home for an hour, what’s for dinner anyway? It looks like a lot of vegetables! Where’s dad anyway, It’s almost five.”

“That’s a lot of questions in one sentence darling, I think he’s got a meeting but I’m sure he’ll be here for dinner.”

“I think if dad’s having chicken tonight it’ll likely be Marv’s hot wings down at the White Hart, not curry with us.”

“Stop it, Jack, I’m tired of this vitriol. If you have an issue with your father then you need to have it out with him and quit slandering him behind his back! Damn it, now you’ve made me cry.”

“It’s just the onions mom, come on let me do it, I’m sorry okay? I just don’t like to see you have to do everything all the time and he just swans in here like he owns the place!”

“He does own the place, Jack, he owns it and I run it. It’s the same formula that exists all over the world. You two kids see one side of things and only when you want to. When you grow up and leave this house, when you get married yourself then you’ll see that marriage is a balancing act between the two people in it. You should dice the onions, you’re doing just fine, just make the pieces a bit smaller, there that’s good. Here’s an apron, no don’t shake your head at me, it will protect your new jeans, I’ll just tie it around your waist. Will you do the celery next? I have to go to the washroom. I’ll be right back.”

“Way to go butthead you made momma cry. Why do you have to be so insensitive?”

“I didn’t make her cry maggot, it was the onions, she’s fine you saw that yourself. I guess both of us could be a little more helpful, what do you think?”

“I think it’s easy to say when you’re leaving home in a couple of months. You want to set up a system that I’ll have to carry on my own after September. Yeah, totally fair.”

“Jesus, why are you such a brat? I’m just thinking that instead of waiting for mom to feed you, or sneaking food at night, you could actually do something productive, ya know?”

“Whatever. I’ll set the table now if that will shut you up for twenty seconds, you have to move though so I can get the cutlery out.”

“Britt, you’re setting the table. Thank you, honey, that’s very helpful.”

“No issue, mom. I figured if Jack is helping you, I can too. Right, Jack?”

“Yeah, hey mom, how small do you want the celery, same as the onions, for size conformity?”

“Yes, it helps everything cook at the same pace as well. Are you up to cutting the carrots too? I can just sit here and watch, maybe have a glass of merlot and view my new favourite cooking show? You are a natural my son, hand me a glass from that cupboard over your head would you?”

“Well, look at this novelty! My whole family working in the kitchen. Good thing I got here early enough to see it for myself or I wouldn’t believe it.”

“Hello, honey. How was work today?”

“It was okay babe, well better than okay, I got a raise this morning!”

“Oh Ian, that’s wonderful, was it timed or based on performance? I mean, not that it matters, extra money is always welcome.”

“Congrats, dad.”

“Thanks, son, good job on the chopping. I didn’t know you knew your way around the kitchen, are you trying to tell us something with all this female-oriented activity?”

“What the hell dad, what is that supposed to mean? Are you insinuating I’m gay because I’m chopping vegetables you narrow-minded chauvinist? Maybe if you spent less time in the Hart and more at home you’d get to know who I am.”

“Kindly put that knife down before addressing me Jack, it was just a joke son.”

“Jack, just chill will you, dad didn’t mean anything, did you, dad?”

“No Britt baby, I’m in a great mood today. Lisa sweetie, the meeting I had with Dave was positive, he gave me the news about the raise and said my department had increased in sales more than any others. So, I guess it’s more performance than timing don’t you think? What are we having for dinner anyway Jack?”

“Mom’s making chicken curry, I’m just helping with the cutting because the onions and I made her cry.”

“What!? You made your mother cry? What is with you lately?”

“There’s nothing with me lately, it was just an opinion I had that she didn’t like. It’s an opinion that I should have saved for you.”

“Oh yeah? I’d like to hear it.”

“Jack, Ian, just leave it all right? Let’s have a nice family dinner, they’re few and far between as it is and with Jack heading off to University soon, they’ll be reduced to just Christmas and Thanksgiving. Now, I’ll finish the meal why don’t you all go and leave me for twenty minutes?”

“Yeah, I guess I could use a shower honey bun, thanks for all you do around here. I do appreciate it.”

“Oh Ian, thank you, that’s always nice to hear.”

“Yeah, dad, she needs to hear that from all of us. Britt and I included.”

“Mom knows I appreciate her, don’t you mom?”

“Yes Britt, it’s just nice to hear out loud sometimes, you know beyond the full-mouthed sounds of appreciation at mealtimes. Now, off you all go, I’m going to finally pour that glass of wine and work in silence.”

“Dad, after your shower, could I talk to you in the family room?”

“Ah, yeah sure son, just give me ten minutes okay? Is it serious, I mean should I prepare myself?”

“It’s just that I have some things I want to say and I need a one-to-one with you, to clear the air ya know?”

“All right, I’ll meet you there.”

“Hello? Oh, Becky thanks for calling, you seem to be the only one that remembered it’s my birthday today. No, it’s all right, it’s not like it’s a big number or anything, thirty-eight. Yeah? That would be nice, on Tuesday? I can’t do it, the neighbours are coming for drinks, yeah, Wednesday would work. How’s Marty, did he get his test results back? A partial blockage, well that’s not good, is it? Well, with all that bacon he eats, it was just a matter of time. What diet? Ian told me that Marty has bacon on his burgers every time they go out. I guess I just finked on him, crapadoodle. Hey, girl, I’m in the middle of making dinner, can I text you tomorrow? Okay, and don’t tell Marty it was my big mouth eh? All right, yep, yep, no I won’t, Yeppers, all right I have to go now. Take care. Bye”.

“Who was that mom?”

“Oh, it was Becky wishing me a happy birthday and making plans for a girl’s night.”

“Your birthday, is that today? I thought the seventeenth sounded familiar when I dated my test this morning. I’m sorry mom, how old are you?”

“Well, since you had a math test this morning you can review, I was twenty-one when you arrived so what do you figure?”

“Oh, thirty-eight. Well, you sure don’t look that old if that helps. Hey, I asked to talk to dad about how I feel, any tips?”

“Well, hang on, just let me pour this sauce into the pan. Okay, can you rinse that jar out and put it into the recycle bin, I’ll stir this and cover it then I can concentrate on you and the rice, Becky’s call has me running behind.”

“There, all done, so what can you suggest?”

“Well, first off your dad has a sarcastic type of humour, it’s very easy to take quick offence until you get used to it. So, I think you should just count to five each time he says something you don’t like, make your points clear and concise, and don’t place all the blame on him as he tends to get defensive and then the discussion is over. Does that help?”

“Yeah, it’s a good start. I just wonder why I’ve never done this before.”

“Well, you’re growing up and starting to see how defending yourself doesn’t mean being defensive. It’s a valuable lesson. The automatic gainsaying of the other person’s opinion isn’t a mature tactic.”

“Hey, Jack? I’m heading into the family room, you still want that chat?”

“Yeah dad, I’ll just be a sec. Mom, what do you think of me taking a couple of beers in? Make it more man-to-man?”

“Well, ordinarily I’d frown on adding alcohol to any potentially tense situation but as I’m currently sipping on a glass of wine to relax I don’t have a leg to stand on, do I? Go ahead, there’s a six-pack on the bottom shelf. Just one each okay, you’re still only eighteen.”

“Yeah, thanks. Wish me luck. I’m coming dad, do you want a brewski?”

“Momma? Is it dinner time yet? I’m starving. Why are you laughing?”

“Britt, you have a ring of chocolate around your mouth. Are you hoarding candy bars in your room again? We talked about that honey. It’s not good for your teeth and it attracts critters. Neither one is a situation I want to worry about.”

“I didn’t eat lunch at school today so I guess I’m a bit hungrier than usual. Don’t give me that eyebrow, that group of bully girls was in the cafeteria and I didn’t want to deal okay?”

“Are they picking on you again? I thought Principal Evans had cleared that up.”

“First off, getting the principal involved just ticked them off more, but It’s not me, it’s my friend April. She’s a bit heavy and they were totally calling her out. I mean she is huge mom, I thought I had weight issues but she has no discernible waist. I mean how does her mother let her get that fat?”

“Brittany, how can you be that callous? Maybe she doesn’t have a mother, or her mom works full-time, maybe it’s a thyroid deficiency or something. If you’re calling her your friend you might want to find out more about her. Is she a nice girl?”

“She’s super nice and so talented, mom, she can play like six different instruments, and she can write her own songs too. I’m so envious! Where’s dad and Jack, I’ll go and tell them dinner’s almost ready if you want.”

“No, just leave them, they’re having a talk and will come out when they’re ready. Go wash up now.”

“So, Jack what’s this all about anyway? Thanks for the beer, by the way, it’s going down a treat.”

“Well to start with, did you remember it was mom’s birthday because I totally forgot. No? I wondered because I didn’t hear you wish her a happy one this morning. None of us remembered and I think it’s a side effect of taking her for granted. Anyway, I wanted to just say a few things out loud that I’ve been letting fester and I could use the time to just spit it out before you speak up, that cool?”

“Yeah, go ahead. I’m feeling a bit sick to my stomach knowing I’ve made you this upset, but I’ll listen.”

“Well, I’ll start with the comments, you might find it funny to tease me about being gay because I don’t have a current girlfriend, hang out with guys and like today about chopping vegetables. It’s not cool dad, would you kick me out if I was? Are you that much against homosexuals? I never knew that. The other issue I have is your drinking and hanging out at the pub instead of coming home to mom. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve watched her from the hall, crying and pretending to watch a show?”

“I don’t think you’re gay Jack, but even if you were it wouldn’t bother me at all. You’re my son and I’d love you no matter what life you choose. Your grandpa wasn’t open-minded and it’s become a bad habit to pretend I’m the same. It was part of the reason your mom and I got married so young, I wanted to show him I was into girls so he’d stop making remarks about me.”

“Did Gramps hang out at the bar too dad? Did he take Granny for granted, is that where you learned how to be a husband? Am I fated to follow family traditions?”

“Jack, you’re not cut from the same cloth at all. I joined the company I work for at nineteen because I wasn’t smart enough to do anything else. You got your mom’s brains and work ethic. Britt’s more like me, always takes the easy way out. I go to the pub because that’s what I watched older guys do when I was young. I didn’t know it bothered your mom that much, I always thought she liked the alone time, honestly son, please don’t give me that look. I told you I’m not that intuitive. Is there something else on your mind Jack?”

“No, thanks for listening, it’s been good. I’ve been angry and twisted up about the comments and worried about mom. Anyway, I guess it’s time for dinner now, I can smell the butter chicken from here and I’m sure Britt is drooling into the rice, that weirdo is always hungry!”

“Yeah, that’s my girl alright! Lead the way son, and thanks for the talk, I’ll work on both okay?”

“Guys, dinner’s on the table, get in here before it gets cold.”

“We’re on our way hon, together.”