Broken Mirror

(Trigger warnings: physical violence, gore, mental health)

I hated the days when we managed to capture someone. There was always a large bell signalling another capture. Grey sky stared at me, filled with thick clouds as if waiting for something to happen and then release all its tears. Those silver clouds seemed to press down on me as I got ready. Our uniform mostly consisted of the colour yellow, the senior officers said that this makes people less scared of us. I do not think that worked judging by the angry screams we got when outside. From outside my window I saw three of the higher officers trying to calm a prisoner, who seemed to be shouting something. He had a black cover on his head to stop him from knowing where to run if he broke out.

Another bell sounded.

louder.

It was my time to go.

The prison building stood in the centre of the courtyard. Inside the walls were ugly orange. Senior officers always tell us the colour will make them calmer and happier. If I were to judge I would say that the walls are what makes the prisoners more aggressive. Inside I walked to the further cell where two senior officers were waiting along with 5 junior officers.

“Junior officer Janner you came just in time” one of the senior officer’s said.

I nodded my head.

The same higher officer turned to address everyone.

“As you can see today we have captured another member of the resistance. But, today is a special day as one of you juniors will get the opportunity to execute him.” He said as if this was a honourable request.

There were no cheers.

I let out a deep breath, I knew it would happen. Still I believed it would happen later, and not so soon. My heart raced as I tried to hide my reaction. Despite joining the police, I never imagined myself killing somebody. I tried to imagine taking out my weapon, and taking a life of a human. A human who has family who they love and cherish. A person who breathes the same air as everyone else. That life just erased with a single swipe of a knife. I looked at our prisoner. He was surprisingly calm.

I saw myself slicing his neck, blood pouring from him like waterfalls—

stopping myself I tried to calm my breathing.

“There is only a small chance that they are going to pick me for this task” I tried to reassure myself. The senior officer looked at each of us, smiling.

Grinning.

Knowing that one of us could easily fail this task so he would have an excuse to kill more people. Our families. Lovers. I tried to settle my face. Look confident. Finally he cleared his throat and spoke

“Junior officer Janner, come forward and demonstrate your loyalty to the state” he addressed me.

Memories broke through my head.

My Mom on her knees crying and begging the officers to spare them, telling them that they had stolen only because they had no other way to survive. Then my Dad offering himself to the police, to take him, not us. At the same time I remember the officers grinning.

Laughing.

Showing their pearly smiles that offered no mercy. This senior officer was one of them, the one who offered me a place in exchange for the safety of my family. I took a deep breath trying to block out the memories. I nodded my head at him, and stepped forward toward the masked man.

His face broke into an approving smile.

“All right, let’s see who we have here” he said as if this was a television program and not a murder scene.

In one swift motion he removed the mask. For a moment, time seemed to stop.

Familiar blue eyes and black hair stared back at me. But- I thought he was killed along with his family-. Now it was evident that I was wrong, he was clearly not dead but very much alive. Jimmy stared at me, recognition lighting in his eyes. His face distorted in confusion

“Eliz what are you doing here?” He asked.

The senior officer looked at me, his smile only growing wider as he looked between as.

“Do you recognise him Officer Janner?”.

I nodded my head silently.

Jimmy stared at me again, understanding the situation that he is in. Tears ran down his eyes as he said.

“Please, Eliz save me. Please”

I remember him saying those exact words but accompanied by laughter, begging me to stop tickling him. Now I watched the person that I knew so well, about to be killed by my own hands. The hands of his best friend. His companion. I leaned down towards him, whispering

“I’m sorry. I can’t. They would die if I don’t do this”.

There was understanding in his eyes. He looked me in the eyes and offered a faint smile

“It’s ok. I promised you remember? To protect them.” He said his voice shaking.

He raised his head exposing his neck. I saw myself refusing, taking his hand and running. I felt the instinct to laugh at those stupid fantasies. They would kill us both along with my family. There was no choice. An image of my family flashed in my mind. If I didn’t do this the secret police would kill them.

A silent tear dropped onto my cheek.

He was a spy for the opposition. I had no choice. I thought of my Mom’s smile and my Dad’s hugs. And tried to forget his weak smile and our whole childhood together.

I drew my dagger with cold determination.

I cut his neck.

Blood splattered all over me.

Marking my whole body.

“Good job, officer” the senior officer said.

Smiling.

“Go and clean yourself” he added patting my shoulder proudly.

“You deserve a break” he continued.

“Yes, sir” I replied.

I walked to the bathroom, everything was swimming, the only thing I could see clearly was Jimmy’s face.

Bloodied.

His life taken away in one simple motion. White bathroom walls made the blood on my body even more visible. I stumbled forward. Into the sink, as a sob escaped me. My well constructed shell broke, leaving only my small valuable soul visible. I raised my eyes to the mirror. My stone-like face looked back at me. Blood marking all the visible skin, hiding my true self. I switched on the hot water. Burning my hands as I tried to scrub the blood away.

I scrubbed.

And scrubbed.

Until my hands were red and full of blisters. Yet, I continued. Silent tears fell from my eyes.

“Go away”

I shouted at the blood.

Collapsing to my knees, I grabbed my face with my hands. Trying to tear away the heartless mask that was displayed on my face.

I saw Jimmy covered in blood, red spilled everywhere.

His eyes looking at me, as more and more blood gushed out. His pleading voice echoed in the bathroom walls.

Now they are crimson with blood.

I grabbed my forehead and pressed firmly. Trying to get the image of his body out of my head. My nails digging and drawing blood. I caught sight of the mirror on the other side of the bathroom.

But, instead of my reflection.

There was a little girl.

She smiled her crooked teeth at me, her eyes smiling so brightly that they could light up the sky. She didn’t have any blood on her face.

Not yet.

I ran toward the mirror, breaking it into a thousand shards.

Shattering the heart of the little girl.

I smiled once she was gone.

But she was still there, hidden in this cage of a body.

Never to see the light again. I knew what she would call me now.

A Monster.

A Demon.

Still I walked back to the sink.

This time, I was numb.

Numb to the world.

As I finished washing my face. I looked back up.

My stone face greeting me again.

I grabbed my orange gloves from my pocket, hiding my bloodied hands.

Putting my shell back on.

A pleasant smile was drawn on my face.