Losing Cecilia

Cecilia came running towards me as soon as I got out of the car. The driveway wasn’t paved, but she ran over the pebbles so fast that didn’t seem to notice the little stings under her bare feet. „Mel! You’re here!“ she cried as I kneeled down to hug her, and she eagerly swung her little arms around my neck. The heat from her tiny body radiated against mine, as if she had soaked up the sun all morning. „Of course I’m here,“ I whispered in her ear and kissed her on the head between the braids. Her light hair smelled like wind, and sun, and the chlorine from the pool. Cecilia was a summer child. She beamed at me as she let go and grabbed my hand. „Can we make pancakes for breakfast? Mom said we shouldn’t because we had them yesterday, but I want pancakes, and you’re here so you can make them for us, right?“ She dragged me towards the house, chattering excitedly. Her hand was wrapped tightly around mine, and she opened the door herself so that I wouldn’t have to let go. „Sure, we can make pancakes,“ I said and closed the door behind us. As if I would ever be able to deny her a wish. 

It was pleasantly cool inside the house, and I drew a deep breath to take in the familiar smell. Kitchen spices and rose shampoo, mixed with the smell of burned toast and coffee. I had gotten used to this house and all its little quirks so quickly, and by now it felt more like home to me than my own little apartment. I knew every room like the palm of my hand. The little hallway was as messy as it had been for years, with work boots lying on the floor next to children’s sandals and flip flops. Cecilia’s parents had already left, their car keys were missing, so I must have missed them only by a few minutes. I had left immediately after receiving their call. Cecilia dragged me into the kitchen, and I dropped my bag on the wooden table. “Mom says thank you for coming,” she said and spread out her arms so I could lift her up to sit on the counter. She was getting heavier, and sometimes it scared me how fast she had grown in the past few months. I quickly pushed the thought aside. “Well, you tell your mom it’s always my pleasure to stop by for a few hours. Or however long you’ll have me, munchkin.” Cecilia laughed, and pushed one of her fingers against my cheek. “Pancakes?” she asked, and I smiled back. “Yes, pancakes. But I need your help. You’re the best pancake batter chef.” She grinned, and had already turned around to hand me the mixing bowl from one of the cabinets when she stopped to look out the window. 

“There’s someone coming.” I turned around, and she was right, there was a car that had just pulled into the driveway. It wasn’t her mother’s vehicle, and the sun reflected against its windows so that I couldn’t see who got out from the driver’s side. Cecilia gave me a questioning look, and I simply shrugged. There was knock on the front door only seconds later, and I heard a familiar voice from the other side: “Hello, is anyone home?” I recognized it by the note of hidden, childlike anticipation that I found in Cecilia’s voice, too. Her brother Jared looked surprised when I opened the door for him, but his face turned into a wide smile only a moment later. “Hey, Mel! Good to see ya!” He stretched out his arms for a hug, and I disappeared in the broadness of his chest for a few seconds. Jared was a few years younger than me, and I still remembered the teenage boy with pimples and a cracking voice. But he had quickly outgrown that boy, and his warm-hearted facial features were now a perfect copy of his dad’s. Cecilia shot past me, and Jared lifted her in the air to give her a hug. „Mel’s here for the day. We’re making pancakes!“ she explained happily. „I should have expected that,“ Jared replied and winked at me. He made me smile. “Your mom and dad had to go to work, I think there was something wrong with today’s deliveries,” I said and he nodded, his smile fading a bit. “That’s too bad actually. I had someone they had been wanting to meet for a while, and she’s in town this week.“ He put Cecilia down again and gestured behind him in the hallway. I now saw that he was not a alone. 

There was a girl entering the kitchen, and although I had never seen her before, I immediately knew who she was and why she was here. Jared had never been with any girl for longer than a few weeks, but this one seemed to be the first exception. She stopped by his side and wrapped her arm around his waist. „This is Barbara,“ Jared said, and I saw his eyes flicker back to catch the smile of the girl. She was shorter than me, with curves that I had looked for, but never found in my own reflection. Her hair was an untamed curly mess, and I had to look twice to find beauty in the way it framed her face. Earrings with turtles dangled from her ears, and her t-shirt showed the logo of a band that I had never heard of. This girl seemed unconventional in every way, like a strange curiosity someone had brought into this house. But Jared seemed to be completely taken by her and every quirky detail in her appearance. He beamed as the new girl introduced herself to me: „Hi, you must be Mel. It’s so nice to meet you, I’ve heard lots about you.“ I nodded in response and forced a little smile, but instinctively moved an inch away from her. She noticed, and I thought I saw a quick shadow move over her face. She hesitated, and didn’t stretch out her hand to shake mine. 

There was a second of silence in the kitchen, and I felt the girl’s bright eyes scrutinize my face for an instant before she turned back to Jared. He took her hand, in a swift motion that seemed almost painfully natural. There was a sudden wave of heat washing over me as I watched them. Drawing breath suddenly seemed more difficult than it had been just a minute ago. I forced myself to avert my eyes from their smiles, and to look down to Cecilia who was still standing next to me. She looked up at the new girl with curious eyes, and I saw her gazing at the earrings of the girl. „Are those turtles?“ she asked with barely contained fascination in her voice, and Barbara glanced down at her. She laughed, in a voice a little deeper than mine, somehow fuller and yet more feminine than my own. I stared at the girl as she kneeled down in front of Cecilia, just like I had done in the driveway only a few minutes ago. I saw their eyes meet. „Yeah, they are. I love turtles, they’re my favourite animal. Do you like them, too?“ „Yes, they’re mine, too!“ Cecilia exclaimed, and hesitated a second before asking the inevitable follow up question: „Can I…can I touch them?“ Barbara and Jared both laughed, while my voice felt as if it had been lost somewhere in the past five minutes. With quick fingers, the girl took out one of her earrings and placed it in Cecilia’s little hands. She observed it, turned the little animal over in her hands and touched the shiny stones on its shell. „Pretty,“ she said, barely audible. The girl had heard it, and she closed Cecilia’s hand so that it covered the turtle. „You can keep it if you like.“ Cecilia looked up to her, and then let out a surprised laugh that made my insides fall into dark nothingness. It took every inch of my strength in that moment not to grab her hand again. I wanted her back in my arms, I wanted to hold her and never let go. I wanted this new girl to leave, and let us be alone in this house that we had made our own. The girl standing in this kitchen didn’t know this family, or the little girl that was my sunshine. She was a stranger to all of this. 

But Cecilia hugged her, just as swiftly as Jared has taken the girl’s hand before. Natural, unforced. I looked to Jared, but I could tell he didn’t see me anymore. He smiled at the two girls between us, my little girl, and the stranger. I moved away from them until my back brushed the kitchen counter, and helplessly grabbed the mixing bowl Cecilia had gotten out of the cabinet for me. Just to hold onto something. My eyes wandered across the floor. I didn’t want Jared to see how much I wanted the girl to leave, how much I felt like she was an intruder. To me, and this house, and this life. To this family that had become my own. „Thank you,“ Cecilia said, and I looked up just in time to grab her hand as soon as she let go of the girl. It was easier to take a calm breath with her hand back in mine, and I watched the girl get up from the kitchen floor and look back to Jared. He glanced over to me, and his eyes lingered at my hands, one still clutching the mixing bowl, one holding on to Cecilia. He hesitated. „Well… we should probably come back another time, when my parents are home, too.“ The girl nodded, then looked back to me. „It was nice meeting you, Mel. And you, Cecilia.“ I smiled just long enough to let her see, while Cecilia grinned widely. „Thank you for the turtle!“ „You’re very welcome, take good care of it,“ the girl replied and smiled. She waved at us, and Jared opened the door for her, then turned back to us for a second. „Have fun making pancakes, girls. I’ll see you soon,“ he said. I nodded and didn’t meet his eyes for long enough to make out the question in his gaze. I didn’t need to see him wondering what had gotten into me when I didn’t even know it myself. 

Cecilia and I stood in the doorway until Jared and the girl had gotten into their car, and I watched them back out of the driveway. He was waving out of the window, and Cecilia next to me waved back. She was talking excitedly, but I barely listened. In a brief second in which the sun’s reflection faded, I could make out the girl in the passenger’s seat. She was laughing at something Jared had said. I watched them drive away, and I knew that I would never be able to tell them. I would never be able to tell anyone, Jared, or Cecilia, or their parents. But if it were up to me, the girl would never come back.