Stars Gazing down the Rivers

There was a saying I stumbled upon a long time ago from a book that I have never finished. One chapter less from a happy ending we all wait for.

But I think it was there all the time, underlying at the very back of my head, waiting for me to understand. It was as if a note was handwritten by the heavens for me to read it many times, raising me to a sound with no meaning, telling me "one day you will understand." Those words keep growing through the cracks as I myself grow inside the walls of my ignorance.

"We do not randomly choose each other. We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious."

And there was a sudden light to those words when I met you. Not the meeting when we were strangers, but the time when there was a clap of thunder and I realize that our fate is now entangled. Since then I have lost track of my own heart's rhythm.

My art's meaning has revolved around you. My stories became daydreams about you. My behavior handcuffed itself with yours. And no one has ever told me about this sunburn. My cold skin began to melt for you.

My secret is that I love you.

We were from the same nest as one stardust. And every part of me craves your subdued soul. And to my amazement, every part of you easily found me, through the thick clouds without looking, where anyone would be scared to be lost.

I saw chaos before my eyes and the only thing that has loved you was the wild. You were too much for my heart yet not enough for your own eyes to realize.

And through each other's sight, we kept telling ourselves how good we are as friends.

Only I have developed what a friend should have not.

It took me days to take it. Because the dam for the years of friendship has been destroyed both quickly catastrophic and quietly slow. It was those infinitesimally small things about us that I've never thought will come sweet in my thoughts as it ages.

The more I keep it, the more I wonder for another version of the moments of bubbly lunches, lighthearted talks, and being warm just sitting beside you.

I have the fear that these fantasies will come as a mistake to my feelings. It's not always the worry that you might have no feelings for me beyond what the universe initially gave us. It is not my weakness to find out the truth but to doubt my own feelings for you. To doubt my strength to love you in a strange way that my heart pushes me to do. Will my feelings stay for a risk that's about to change.

Every time that flows as memories. Every intensifying bond that I pleasure today, that I know will ache tonight.

I was scared that the feeling of overwhelm would ruin the peace we have as friends.

What if I tell you what I feel, and the cup that overflows stops overflowing, and I will regret the convenience of telling. Because I have only known to love you as a friend, can I love you as a lover?

Letting you go was an option I have imagined even before I realize that my heart will beat differently for you.

All those thoughts have bursting as we walk beside an untamed river. I found it wild and deadly gushing. As pity came to me for the sight of a branch that cannot defend itself in a savage flow.

And it finally cracked.

So it flowed along the waters.

I can be that wood. Not strong enough to resist the river flow. When I crack I will know what you feel about me.

Will I realize that through the raging flow, there was never love to be found, but a rushing feeling caused by the flow of a destructed dam.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Sure; I was just pitying over that branch. It looks dead in a tragic river." I pointed to a large branch of wood drifting helplessly.

"Don't be sad. It's nature. Being destroyed is never the end. For the stars, it's the birth of something wonderful."

"The stars, huh," I said lowly.

"Let's sit down over here. Sun has finally peeked. It's been shy for weeks I barely remember how I used to love its warmth."

And we sat. Our backs are on the slanted hill resting it on large stones.

"Hey, Kai. Maybe you should remove your mask now to get the sun to greet you in the face."

"Why would I? I love ‘em."

"Why?"

"I make them. This is the only festival I get excited to come to."

"I thought you hated doing something."

"Slowly, you will find a way to love anything."

"...anything, huh."

"Yeah, with all the time you spend together, magic will happen. Like us, I never thought we would be like this ten years ago."

"Like this."

"Yeah," and he closed his eyes to face the sun as he sighed to relax. 

"But you never took off your mask. The village thinks you are a freak."

“This mask makes it enjoyable for me to be in the breadline, when I cannot go to school I can still make unhappy students smile, they called me “Clown Kai.” Wearing this mask makes me sound happy as I believe I’m another person."

"...But I know how sad your soul is."

"Even I find it mysterious. I seem to be happy on the surface but that's not what I deal with before I sleep. When my mouth shut and all my senses woke up only to be silent. I know I am not as happy as I want to appear."

"...same."

Without him having a thought for what I'm about to do, I snatched his face towards me and unmasked him.

Time went incredibly slow and my breath went along with it. Just right now, I know this will be a picture that will stick in my head.

For the first time in uncertain forever, I have finally seen your face.

What a delicate skin to begin with. Though your eyes seem amused, I have always expected it to look sleepy.

"What now?" he asked.

"Can I kiss you?"

"... Can we kiss?"

Snap.

"....Hey."

"Huh?"

"What now? You've been staring at my face for like five minutes."

"That long? You wish."

I released his face from my hands and as I stared in the opposite direction I heard him gather some sounds from the ground.

"Dean, look."

"What? What is it?"

He was holding a small stone in his hands.

"I will close my eyes and I will throw this stone. Tell me where it will land. The river or the ground."

“Okay”

He gently closed his eyes and threw the small stone. 

...SPLASH

Everything went silent for me. How dramatic can a stone being thrown be? He makes me feel that something to that stone will come along.

"Where?" he said plainly.

"...Off the river."

Just like that, he left. Unbeknownst to me, it was going to be the last time I would see him.

And all of that flashed to my memories as I reached that last chapter of my favorite book. One chapter less.

Now it’s too late...  

...One chapter less. 

"Tell me if it lands on the sea or the ground."

"Okay."

There was a long ride of silence between the winds, and it was broken by the small quick sound of a splash.

"...The sea."

Just as prompt of a splash that he rises to kiss me.

"But what does that mean?"

"The sea is brutal but so am I. I was raised from its chaos so it will know what wilderness will tame me."

"You asked for permission from the sea?"

"Yes,"

"But what would you do if it landed on the ground?"

"What will not tame me, I will only hurt, and I will go to leave. To regard the answer from the sea.”

“You heard the splash, you don’t need me to come and tell you.”

“I do. To let you know that I trust you and that whatever you answer will be our fate from your consent.”

I lied because

between the star and the river

the wind whispered,

"This is a better way to suffer."

If I told you the truth

It will worsen.

Now is far and away better.

For many years later after we parted, 

Someone will come see me at my house and call me uncle. 

If I were a bit selfish.

My sister will cry for a fatherless child. 

I went to the river. And found a note carried off at the side. 

I read it. 

Written by Lover Boy 

“I think I see your eyes in her. I love how you both have the same laugh. I feel the water pour from my chest. But between her and you, I will chase you forever. The way we carry our seed makes me love what we did not become. 

Thank you. 

But at night I cannot sleep thinking how it’s better it has become but the sadder it ended for us.

I could have run away with you that day, knowing that I will leave a fatherless child to your sister.

And,

For everything we did not become,

I still wear a mask no one sees on my bare face."