I Can't Sleep

 I can't sleep. I can't sleep. Will I ever be able to sleep again? Why did this happen? Did this have to happen? I can't sleep. 

   I'll watch television. Maybe that will help. The incessant drone and flickering lights. Maybe that will help. I won't really be watching... though. I'll just be staring at a constantly changing screen. Good idea. Anything is a good idea. I grab the remote and aim it at the flat screen. With a soft click the screen comes to life. Will that help? I don't know. I do not know. 

   I have been pacing...now... back and forth in the living room... ever since I swung into the driveway. I fell out of the car and walked..lurched...actually...into the house. Afraid to look at the front of the car. Never turned my head once. Nope. Not once. 

   I did not mean for this to happen. How can this even have happened? I had nothing to do with this. Nothing. It was an accident. A terrible terrible accident. I am not a bad person. I am not. All I am is a scared person. I'm just scared. It was not my fault. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. 

    I was drunk you see. Shit-faced, as the saying goes. Way too drunk. Climbed into my car. I poured myself into it....really... plastered. And..yeah ..you guessed it.... I hit somebody who was crossing the road. Slammed right into them. Going 65 miles an hour. Rolled right over them. Felt every bump. One horrifying bump after another. 

   I skidded a few feet. Was able to right the car. How I even managed to do that.... I do not know. I did not go back. How could I go back? I cannot face it. I cannot handle it. What I did was so terrible. I am a true coward. An actual coward. I have never been a coward.... before. 

   What will happen now? Who was that person? That person was a stranger....right? It was easily almost 2:00 in the morning. What was that person doing.... crossing the street at such an hour as this? It was so late. Everything is too late now....everything. I can never take it back. I can never undo any of this. 

    Dear God in heaven... if I could just think. If I could just think. If I could just sleep. I should call the police. I should turn myself in. Yes. I will call the police. Yes....that is what I will do. But I need to sleep first. I need to sleep... first. I need to close my eyes... just tor a bit. I need to rest. Just for a bit...first. Then I will make the call. To the police. End of my life. 

   The call that is going to ruin my life. Certainly. I should be upstairs lying next to my beautiful wife. She sleeps the sleep of the innocent. What will I say to her? How will I explain any of this to her? And what about my little girl? My two year old.....She adores her Daddy. Her Daddy is her world. My little Punkin. 

    What will they do for money? How will they survive? My wife doesn't work. I am the only one who works. How will they live? How will they even survive? I am going to jail. For a long...long... time. 

     God help me. God help me l. What have I done? 

     I like to drink a little. I have always liked to drink. Just a little. Ever since my teenaged years. I have a few drinks every night. 

     I take care of what I need to do. I do what is expected of me. I work. I work hard. I pay my bills. I take care of everything I need to take care of. Then I like a few drinks. Just a few. No problem-o. Just a few little drinks is all. 

     I have done this most of my adult life. Never a problem. But there is a big problem....now.... isn't there?

      Should I wake her? Or should I let her sleep? Should she be standing next to me when I make this call? Or should I wake her after the call? What to do...what to do. I need to think. 

      How can I think with the flashing ever changing screen of the tv hitting me in the face? It's annoying. I grabbed the remote and punched the buttons. Blessed silence. Complete and utter silence. 

     I must wake my wife. I have no choice. I have to. I wind my way slowly across the living room. I pause at the bottom of the steps and look up to the landing. This really looks like way too many steps. But I have managed them successfully many times..... just as drunk as I am right now. Ups-a-daisy. 

     Slowly I start up the steps holding onto the railing on both sides. Only way to do it. 

      I am halfway up the stairs when there is knock on the door. I look out one of the small vertical side windows on either side of the front door... and two uniformed cops are standing there. Gonna be worse than I thought  Gonna be a nightmare. Mouth is bone dry. I feel like curling up in a ball. Nothing to do but open the door. Face the music. Get this over with. 

       I grab the door handle... and fling open the door. The door handle slips out of my hand... and the door bounces off the wall. I make a grab for the door ....and manage to stop it before it bounces a second time. The two cops are staring at me.

      I manage my best smile and say, "Good evening officers,"....just a little slurring. Not too noticeable. I 've had a lot of practice. 

      "Your name George Stevens?

       "Yes," I say determined not to say anything else. 

      "You okay, Sir?" asks the older of the two cops. "There was an incident in town tonight. A motorist got into an a accident. Hit a tree. He's in critical condition. Local hospital. Bunch of kids thought it would be funny to throw a couple of mannequins out into the road......in front of passing cars. Got a big kick out of it. Of course they're at the station now....crying for their Mommies," he smirked. "Car and tags were given to us by a man who suffers from insomnia. Has trouble sleeping. He can't sleep. He just happened to be looking out the window and saw you hit one of the mannequins. You okay?" 

    I swallowed the sour lump in my throat. My grin was so wide he could probably see my tonsils. 

     "Yessir...I am just fine. Just heading up the stairs to go to bed.....do you need anything?" I leaned against the door frame. Since it was actually helping to hold me up. 

      "No, Sir, just a courtesy call. We looked at your car on the way in. No damage. Lucky man. Well, we won't keep you, Sir. The hour is late. 'Night, Sir." He and his partner turned around and walked down the driveway to their totally dark cruiser. No lights. Just a courtesy call. 

       A lucky man staggered across the living room and headed for the stairs... again. Yep. A lucky man. Very lucky. I can sleep. Yes I can.....