I keep myself above all

I came back to my hometown to meet my parents. It's been years since I've seen them. I did not want to come back after what happened. I've made my own little world in there - new friends, new life. Everything is new, which really helped me to move on a little. I never really know whether I was able to move on from him completely. But that's okay. Life goes on. I've accepted it and I promised myself I will keep moving forward and let things take control of their own. I was wanted to stop thinking about it. My mind had become a pool of thoughts that used to dip me in every night and I used to come out drenched into my own emotional baggage I was carrying. Moving out of this town made it a little easier for me to forget about that.

Two years passed by, I have learned how to deal with my emotions. Maybe not completely. But little by little each day, I kept moving forward. I pressed them, I suppressed them and fought with them. Every single day has been a battle me against my emotions. Every night I had been face to face to my emotions and had been fighting to save myself till the morning. Every day had been a struggle. I had no choice but to fight back. Gradually, I learned to control them.

Everything was good, until one day. That day I saw him in the coffee shop near my house. I went to meet my school friend. We were eating, chatting and laughing. I took a sip from my coffee latte and my eyes caught a man standing at the counter in blue denim, a white T-shirt, and a black leather jacket. He was talking to the man at the counter explaining to him something and the other guy was nodding his head in agreement. It was him. Yes, it was him standing in front of me after two years.

 He then took out his wallet from his pocket and handed a card to the guy. He waited, and turned his head in my direction. I couldn’t take my eyes off. I was frozen in there. I was frozen with my feelings grabbing in my heart. Everything seemed to pile up in my head all over again. All these efforts of tackling my emotions made day and night seemed a complete failure. I felt like a loser. A teardrop started welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t think of anything looking at him standing ten feet away from me. My friend looked at me and got scared. She grabbed my arm and shook me like anything. My tears started rolling down from my eyes. I looked at her. “what happened? Are you okay? she asked. I wiped my tears with a tissue kept on the center of the table. “ He is here,” I said. “ she looked in the direction of my gaze and saw him. “ what is he doing here in your neighborhood?” I couldn’t utter a word. I was thinking years of fighting all went into vain in a minute. Sometimes, you can never understand your own emotions. You are scared of your own emotions. You never know what they will make you do.

He had his wallet in his hand. He gave out the card from his wallet to the guy at the counter and looked in my direction. His eyes met mine. He stood there looking at each other from far away. He kept looking at me without even blinking. The other guy called his name several times. He didn’t respond. He tapped on his shoulder. He then looked at him, took his card back, kept in his pocket.

I know he loved me. But I couldn’t stay a single moment with him after that day. When I asked him so many questions and he couldn’t answer a single one. He could have easily stopped me, but he didn’t. He did nothing to make me stay. I was the only one doing everything. I was tired of saving our relationship for so long. And couldn’t see any efforts from his side. I was tired of feeling worthless. I was tired of making myself ignore all the signs. “I’m not gonna come back, ever,” I said and went away from him. He was there standing. He did nothing. I waited for his calls for days, for months. I kept waiting but no response from his side. I used to cry myself to sleep. I was so tired of everything. I was fighting all alone. But I was tired of thinking about what’s going on in his head.

To forget him. I moved out of this town, started a new life, met new people, made new friends. But never got involved with any man. I became so afraid of getting hurt again that I kept my distance from all the men and all these kinds of feelings. It damaged me completely. It broke my heart and shattered into millions of pieces.

I’ve begged enough. Now it's about my self-respect. I’m not going to bend down anymore. He went out of the coffee shop. “ he is as stubborn as you.” My friend said. “ we all knew that” she added. “ Let him go.” I said.

I took another sip from my glass took a deep breath and controlled all my thoughts. I’ve already fought so many battles. I knew someday this will happen. And I’ve already imagined this in my head several times. I’ve cried enough. I’ve hurt myself enough. Not this time. Not ever again. He wants to talk he will come. I'm not going to go to him. I’m done. My self-respect comes above all. I put myself above all. I’m only going to take care of myself. My emotions, my feelings, my surrounding, my family. I’m don’t begging in front of people. I love myself and that’s enough. We continued chatting and eating. " It's okay" i said to myself.