the secret

TRIGGER WARNING

SELF-HARM/suicide attempt

MENTAL HEALTH

and lesbian relationship

I sometimes sneak out of parties to be by myself. If someone found out, they might think I'm weird for not liking to party. I do this all the time, not because I don't like the parties, but because they can become overwhelming. Then, I heard a thud sound come from over there, so I said, "Who's there? Come out now!" Suddenly, I saw this boy who stumbled out of the door, trying to get out of the party. He came to stand by me. I think his name was Theo, but I did feel like asking him. 

“Hey, what is a lovely thing like you doing out here yourself?” he said.

 My reply was dumb: “Umm, are you talking to me? Because if you are, I just need some fresh air.”

Me and Theo looked at each other and then quickly looked away and we stared into the night sky. It was so pretty the stars were twinkling so brightly it was almost like they were trying to tell us a story. The silence between us was interrupted when Theo said, 

“Hey, did you know all of the stars we see in the sky are brighter and bigger than our sun? It's cool to think about that.”

It took me a couple of minutes to reply to Theo “ Oh really? I did not know that.”

After a while the party started to die down Theo looked at me and then suddenly I felt arms wrapped around me. And he told me something I will never forget "Love comes for free it is something you have to work daily and love is kind and all of the wonderful things. full of things yet to be explored and I want you to know you are not alone in all of this I am still trying to figure this shit out myself ." As Theo was still hugging me as he was trying to finish his words I hugged him back and started crying because I had never been able to let myself go and feel so connected to someone like this before it made me feel wanted in this shitty world.

*Time skip a whole week*

School is tiresome it is just the teachers going on and on about things we are never going to use in life 

Then the bell rang and I started walking to my next class with my phone and headphones on to block out the loud irritating sound everyone made. I am the kid who is the social outcast the kid who is different and does not fit in with anyone that was in tell I meant Theo he was the only one whom I could let my guard down and at that moment I heard a sound 

“Boo!” said Theo

“Ah! Don't scare me like that again!” 

Theo had this huge grin on his face which to me looked cute on him and I noticed his eyes were grayish blue eyes with brown and gold flecks I know this sounds cliche but I could get lost in those eyes.

“Hey, are you ok your face is as red as a strawberry are you sick?” asked Theo

“Ummm I am fine you just scared me that all,” I said  

As we were walking in the halls I rolled my sleeves up because I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt at 70 degrees Then I heard a question for someone I don't know “Why are there cuts on your arm?” I can't let anyone know why I have cuts.

 She had long brown hair that went past her back and had the same color eyes as Theo but a little bit bluer than his She looked exactly like him but a girl version of him She pushed Theoo in a testing way and they were talking and for a moment I jealous and I don’t know why.

“Um hi I don't think he has mentioned me to you but I am Mia I am his older twin sister”

“Only by 1 minute Mia!” 

They looked at each other at started to laugh Then I told them I needed to go or I would get into trouble at home and then Theo said 

“I can walk you home if you want.”

Then we walked separate ways I started to put my headphones in so I could start jogging it is something I do to calm my brain down after a stressful day at school it helps calm my brain down from all these racing thoughts. This song came on and it was called Ship in a Bottle by Steffan Argus and then I ran harder than I have ever run in my life.

****************

I went back to school and it was the same boring things I did every day there was another boy named Leo he always made fun of me

"Hey nerd come here," Leo said

"I don't want to, leave me alone why can you ever do that Leo"

Then I saw him get up and shove me to the locker and he told me not to scream or else shove me to the floor he punched me in the face and said to me

"you will always be a useless piece of shit and nothing more than a loser and no one will love you"

I ran to the bathroom as fast as my legs could take me as I was doing that I ran into Theo

"HEY WOW that happened to you," Theo said

"NOTHING happened LEAVE me ALONE"

I proceeded to walk away for him and started crying as I got to the bathroom

Then the worst thing happened I ran into Mia in the bathroom

“Hey darling let me help you clean up please and I won't tell Theo about this if that's what you are worrying about"

Throughout the sobs, I cry and tell her everything Mia grabs a cold clothe and puts it on my blooody nose and she cleans it and then runs to the nurses and grabs ice for my eye.

as she did that I leaned in for a kiss her lips were so soft and tasted like strawberry and then she pulled me in and kissed me back then she started kissing my neck and I let out a tiny sound "Ah mmm" and then she left a mark on my neck and the "ding dong" they stupid bell rung for our next class

I have had a crush on her for a while now she is so sweet and cute and they way she so caring and helpful to everyone but anytime she was with her brother at the time I did not know that was her brother I got jealous. but now I don't know how to tell Theo about it.

*********

when I got to the classroom Theo was waiting for me

"hey how are you why were you late and what happened when I saw you in the hallways"

I stood for a moment trying to compose what happend 20 mins ago with mia