Dear Andrea,

Sensitive Content: Mentions of Death

Dear Andrea,

The house has been quiet since you left. The lavender has been blooming, I know how much you love it. I think it's missing something. The bees don't hover like they used to. The sun never seems to hit it anymore. The shade doesn't feel quite right there.

To say I miss you wouldn't even be worth it. Too small. Too microscopic.

To say I feel as though something, some deep-rooted part of myself has been wrenched away. To say I feel wretched and bloody and gaping. To say there is a void in my soul.

Still barely scratches it.

I saw you at the park. Your hair was short (like you like), and you were smiling. I don’t know if you were alone. You were only there for a blink.

I saw you in the coffee shop. You were sipping a latte, your lips pursed and your nose buried in a book. The front cover was black and orange. There was a little crease between your eyebrows. What were you reading? Were you worried? Concerned? Angered? I would have asked, but you were gone. When I blinked.

I thought I saw you at the grocery store. But that was just someone who looked like you. Her hair was scraped back and she had a large bag of red grapes in her basket. I did a double take after I blinked. Just to be sure. I didn't speak to her but I did buy some grapes. For her. For you. The first one I ate when I got home tasted sour. I never liked grapes.

Yours,

R

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Dear Andrea,

The lavender isn't wilting.

I thought it would because you're not here but when I asked about it they said it can be a very self sufficient flower once it's old enough.

I laughed when they told me because you whispered in my ear "just like me".

I bought some lavender seeds and planted them further out in the garden. These ones will die and that, I think, makes more sense.

I won't undo your hard work but someone is going to grieve it.

Someone other than me.

I saw you at the bus stop, which is funny because you never get the bus. You had spaghetti sauce on your top from that time you were eating it on the couch and accidentally dumped the whole bowl on yourself. I laughed and you looked at me and I blinked. There wasn't any sauce on her top.

I found one of your hairs on the carpet. I didn’t' know what to do with such a sacred piece of you so I cried and put it in the bin and then I took I out of the bin. Where do I put it?

Yours,

R

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Dear Andrea,

I was driving home tonight and I thought of you. There was a song playing and I remember you listening to it. I remember you playing it over and over again while you were in the shower. I remember rolling my eyes at it. I turned off the radio.

You were at the doctor’s office yesterday too. Sitting in the waiting room opposite me, nervously jiggling your leg. You looked pale and sick. Your shoulders kept hunching like you were holding in a cough. I wanted, so badly, to help you. To offer you some water, or even just a smile. You didn't look in my direction, and then, when they called you in, it wasn't your name. You stood up and you didn't look sick anymore. You smiled and greeted the doctor. She said something about allergies and you laughed as you followed her into the room.

You don't have allergies.

The lavender, the new one I planted, began growing. I haven't even tried to take care of it since they day I spilled those wretched seeds into the ground and kicked the dirt back over them. And yet, against all odds, I see those hateful little sprouts. I wanted to stomp on them at first. Spray them with weed killer. But I thought, maybe, it was a sign from you?

Maybe, if something can bloom from nothing like that. Maybe other things are possible?

What do you think? Was it you?

I'll water them tomorrow.

Yours,

R

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Dear Andrea,

I fixed the hair problem!

I put it on some tape and stuck it to the wall.

The cat tried to lick it once, so I moved it further up. I hope she doesn't try again.

I had to take her to the vet. She had a cut on her face. It was close to her eye, so I worried. They said she was ok but gave her some pills, in case of infection. I hope she's more careful.

I hadn't seen you for a while, until today. You were in a shoe store I was walking past. You were holding up some big black work boots and examining them. You laughed at something the woman beside you said. I didn't blink, I just left. I hope they're good shoes.

Yours,

R

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Dear Andrea,

I made the casserole we used to like. It wasn’t as good as when we made it together. I think I did something wrong. Maybe it was the sauce, or the way I diced the onions.

Or maybe it was just my hands.

I saw you only once this week. You were in line at the bakery. You bought some kind of fancy pastry.

You never used to like pastry.

It had little apple slices and a dusting of icing sugar. Far too sweet for me (you’d know). Your hair is getting longer and I think it really suits you! I’ve stopped blinking. I went to a different bakery, but I hope you enjoyed your treat.

I hope so many things. But mostly, I hope for you.

Yours,

R

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Dear Andrea,

They found your body today.

I never thought they would.

How could they?

When I've been seeing you walk around

                                                                                   for weeks?