Dad Who?

I looked around the café noticing different families sat enjoying a warm beverage on this rainy day. The music reminded me of lift music, lyric-less and slightly irritating. Children were screaming and crying due to boredom and not being able to run free like they would at the park. I noticed a lot of fathers sat with their children talking to them about who knows what. I looked across the table at the slightly overweight man who was obsessively stirring his drink. I could smell the coffee beans from here, that was one thing we had in common; we both liked strong black coffee. Sighing, I uncrossed and recrossed my legs as I took in this man. His hair was turning grey, his face was slightly chubby, and he had these dark brown eyes that looked almost black, which I saw a resemblance in every time I looked in the mirror.

I’ve waited twenty-three years to meet the man sat across from me. Twenty-three years of wondering why I wasn’t good enough and why he never cared about me. Twenty-three years of avoiding questions about the man listed as my father on my birth certificate. I had so many questions to ask him, but I also had so much anger towards him as well. I had no idea why he contacted me out of the blue. Well, I say me but it was my mum, who relayed the message from the nomad. I spent years feeling different from all the other kids in school because they had fathers to teach them things and to protect them. To celebrate Father’s Day with. I was green with jealousy that their dads loved them enough to stay around and mine didn’t.

‘Lorna… I’m glad you agreed to meet up with me today.’ His voice broke me out of my thoughts. His voice was deep and gruff almost like he had a constant sore throat.

‘I did this for me not you. I wanted to at least know what you looked like.’

‘Nevertheless, I’m glad I get to see you. I knew you’d grow up to be a strong smart beautiful woman.’

His words angered me. He knew?! Yet, he couldn’t be bothered to even contact my mother and as if I was doing okay.

‘So, where were you for the last twenty-three years?’

‘I-I… When you mother told me, she was pregnant with you I was your age. I wasn’t ready to settle down and have a baby. To be a family man. I left and I know I hurt your mother, but I was doing what was best for you.’

‘Best for me? You have no idea what was best for me.’

‘Lorna, that’s why I’m here now to make amends.’

‘Do you have any other kids?’

‘Yes, twins a boy and a girl. They’re six.’

‘Well at least you stuck around for them.’

‘Lorna.’

‘No, you don’t get to Lorna me. You aren’t my dad. You weren’t there for me. When I took my first steps, my first word my first day of school. Mum was. She helped me get into university, she was there when I was sick, at every awards assembly. Not you. You have a new family and I’m glad that you are happy with them, but I now realise meeting up with you was a bad idea. You will never be my father and I can live with that. I have for the last twenty-three years of my life.’

Listening to him mention his kids and the smile on his face as he thought about them made me sick to my stomach. It made me realise that this man would never be my dad and I wasn’t willing to give him the chance. I had my own life, and it was a good one thanks to myself and my mum who was always there for me. I left the man that calls himself my dad at the table as I walked out of the café.

When I got home later that morning, I saw my mum sat on the settee. Derek her husband was sat next to her as they watched a film. Once they heard me enter the living room Derek paused the film and they both turned to look at me.

‘How did it go honey?’ Hearing my mum’s soft voice made me want to cry instantly.

‘I should have never gone to meet up with him.’

‘Why what’s wrong?’ Derek’s voice was soothing to my aching heart.

‘He has another family. Twins. He stayed for them, but he couldn’t even keep in touch with me.’ I hadn’t even noticed Derek standing up. I felt his hands wrap around me instantly and relaxed into him as I let my tears fall.

‘Lorna, I’ve known you thirteen years and you know the first thing I thought when I saw you?’

I shook my head no at Derek’s question.

‘I thought damn that is one strong girl but given who your mother is I wasn’t surprised. I knew then and there that in order to raise a strong daughter with your mother I had to be a strong man. And baby, your dad just wasn’t equipped for the job. You’re so smart and beautiful and stubborn and that is what makes you special. Your dad couldn’t handle what the future held and that’s on him. But me and your mum couldn’t be any prouder of you.’

‘Thank you, Derek, for everything. For being the dad, I always wanted. For helping me when I was stuck. For being in my life. I’m so glad that mum found you and that you are part of our family.’

‘Me too baby. Me too. Let’s watch this movie together then you can tell us about your plans for your new job.’

He was right of course. I was strong and independent, and Derek was always there when my dad wasn’t. And I couldn’t be more grateful for him and my mum. It was then that I realised I had everything I needed right here with me.