Existential Crisis in the Park

Existential Crisis in the Park

By EJ Cross

“Are you there God? Its me again. You know? The guy that’s been praying to ya so much these past few days?” I say under my breathe. The cold night air is foggy and my clothes are starting to feel damp as I walk through the park. My old comfortable shoes had been waterproofed at some point, back when she liked hiking, so I didn’t have to worry about damp feet.

“I don’t mean ta bother you so much, you know, its just I’m feelin’ kinda adrift, you know?” I don’t know why I’m speaking like this. It’s an accent from a character in a book I read a long time ago in another life. I guess it matches these old comfortable shoes.

“I lost my anchor, ya know? It’s like I got this big gaping hole inside and no sense of direction now.” I say, staring up at the sky through the sparse trees overhead. The diffuse light of the full moon scatters through the wisps of silvered clouds showing occasional glimpses of the stars. I could enhance my eyesight and make it bright as day. I don’t do it because it feels right to leave it like this. It also matches these old shoes as I walk along the cobblestone lane.

“She left me, God. Now I’m rudderless. It was just the two of us almost two hundred years. She was always there to help me think things through. I could use some guidance, you know?” I veer off the cobblestone walkway towards a gravel path that meanders up a shadowy hill sparsely covered in trees. They’ll be here soon, but at least I’ll get some time at our favorite spot.

I feel a dripping liquid down my side so I partially unzip my damp jacket. I reach inside gingerly avoiding the ragged bio-circuitry and torn pseudo-flesh from the hole in my chest. The liquid is a viscous, oily substance that serves multiple purposes including lubrication, cooling, and energy distribution. I hastily eject a bio-sealant from a maintenance tool embedded in my index finger to seal off the leak. It’s a field cybernetic repair trick I picked up during the wars.

“We were supposed to be together forever, you know? I mean, you’re God so you probably already knew exactly what was going to happen. I’m not complainin, we had many good years. I’m sure if You’re there, you have a plan. A clue woulda been nice, though, Sir. I mean, till death do us part is what we said in your Holy house, right? Who knew that tech would make death impossible?” I say, remembering when we were still one hundred percent human and took our vows. Then the visitors with their biotech came.

We started slow with the upgrades. A minor musculature improvement to make athletics easier, then one to make things in the bedroom better, if you catch my drift. Then another when the hearing went. For her it was the eyes first. Then the wars came and everyone was conscripted.

“I still remember when the last human part of me was my brain. A hundred years ago, during the wars my body was transformed and my heart was replaced. In my mind, I knew it was for the best, God. I mean, it was for the war efforts. It was us or them. That’s what everyone told us. She cried when they took her heart. It was also the last human piece of her that wasn’t her brain. I held her until she stopped crying.” It was a bittersweet memory. We won the wars. At least, most of us did. Back then, death was still a thing for at least another twenty years.

“We held off for a long time, God. We wanted to keep a little piece of our human selves. But we finally had to have even our brains replaced thirty years ago.” I pause for a second. I’d reached the top of the hill, where the trees opened up to a cliff with a panoramic view. It was breathtaking. We’d been off-world several times, but nothing beat the beauty of this overlook here on good old Earth. “Thing is, God, I really think that’s when things started changing. She didn’t cry about it. She said she just didn’t feel like she had lost anything, she felt the same. We even had to go over the operations records to check. We really did have our brains replaced. “ I coughed back a chuckle. I am still not used to saying that.

I don’t know how it works. I guess getting an artificial brain doesn’t automatically make you smarter. I suppose I could get the modules installed.

Wait, didn’t I get them installed? Isn’t that how I figured it out? Kinda fuzzy now, not sure I'm recalling things correctly.

“Anyway, God, I'm sorry I'm rambling. To get back to the story, it was five years ago that she made up her mind. She wanted to leave me. Well, to be honest she didn’t say me. She’d made up her mind that she wanted to leave. Period. It still felt like she meant she was leaving me, no matter how many times she argued otherwise.”

I bit back on the bitter memories, not wanting to remember the heated arguments, the drinking, the fights. God, I was such an asshole.

“I don’t know why I’m explaining this, God. If You’re there, then You, know right?” I said as I slowly sat on the edge of the cliff with my legs over the side. The hole in my chest squished and gurgled. I’d almost forgotten about that. It wouldn’t matter soon with the security forces coming. They wouldn’t kill me. They’d probably re-print me until they figured out what to do. Technically I did murder my wife, right?

“God, shouldn't You, of all Beings, know all about how us artificial beings, which is pretty much all of humanity now, cannot die anymore? Maybe from the lack of us showing up in the afterlife anymore? Not to be rude, God, I'm just asking." I say, trying to mind my manners to the Almighty.

Not that it matters, I've gone off the rails and am only talking to myself to process my grief. I know this, but its fine.

"Anyway, God, as you likely already know, we just get printed back out again. Its some kind of baked in safety protocol. Well, I found out how to disable that protocol. At least for some people in a limited time period. It was a hell of an explosion at that facility, too! Shrapnel right through the chest. Good thing this hunk of junk is built sturdy or I’d never have made it out to our favorite spot.”

I pause a second, take a deep unnecessary breath and reach inside my jacket to check on my hastily sealed leaks. Finding no further damage, I decide theres no harm in continuing my little one-sided discussion with the Almighty.

Might as well be a confessional booth with one helluva view. The way the ocean crashes on the rocks below in a slow staccato rhythm in concert with the wind was why you loved this spot so much. I loved it because it made you smile.

“We’d said our goodbyes after I did the deed. Her replicated body made her look as beautiful as when we first met. Then she switched off her artificial brain. It was like she was going to sleep. I laid her down carefully. I knew the body hadn’t really been her in a long time, but I still took care not to damage it. She would never be replicated again. She was really gone.”

I sniffed, looking down at my hands for a bit. I should feel something about that, but I don’t. Or maybe I feel so much that its overloaded something in this artificial body.

“I was going to follow her, God, even though she told me not to. But I lost my confidence. That’s why I’ve been praying to you. Even though I’m not sure I believe you’re really there. I’ve got so many questions. Is she there in an afterlife now? Was that body ever really her? Or did she actually die when the last human part of her was replaced? Or when her heart was? Am I really me? Or am I an AI trained copy in a robot body of the man that used to be me and that man died a long time ago? If I die as this, then will I get to see my wife again? Can you help me answer these questions, God? Because I sure as hell am getting nowhere trying to figure it out myself. Because, if I can find answers, or even a way to move forward without answers, then I can follow her. Now that I know the way..."

I stare off into the horizon, my mind going in circles as I contemplate the meaning of it all. Its then that I hear the crunching sounds coming from down the hill. Flashing lights and sirens break my reverie. A spotlight lights up the area around me. Its suddenly difficult to think straight. I can’t seem to put coherent thoughts together in my artificial brain. I can’t move my artificial arms or my artificial legs.

GEORGE CALDWELL! THIS IS UNITED GLOBAL SECURITY! YOU ARE WANTED IN CONNECTION TO THE BOMBING OF OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT FACILITIES. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED AND A NULL FIELD IS BEING PROJECTED. ANY ATTEMPTS AT RESISTANCE ARE FUTILE AND WILL BE MET WITH FORCE. DO NOT RESIST! GEORGE CALDWELL! THIS IS UNITED GLOBAL SECURITY!

UGS? What’s going on? Why can’t I think straight? Where’s Mary?