What He Did That Night

There’s two versions of what happened that night. 

The first version, my loving fiance came back from work overseas to visit. We had dinner at my parents house and slept in the guest bedroom. We chatted with each other, kissing and cuddling, nothing happened that night. We fell asleep in each other's arms, my life staying in perfection. 

The second version, my loving fiance came back from work overseas to visit. We had dinner at my parents house and slept in the guest bedroom. We chatted with each other, kissing and cuddling, nothing happened that night. We fell asleep in each other's arms, but I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water. My fiance woke up as well, and while in the dining room he raped me on the table. Then I woke up, my life staying in perfection. 

I had told myself it was a bad dream, I even asked my fiance about it. 

“Didn’t you say you were too tired to have sex?” His crackled voice asked through the phone.

“So brash! Yes! I just had a crazy nightmare,” 

“About me?” 

“Yes, that you…uh… raped me,” I hesitate when saying the words. He starts laughing. 

“Jeez! You and your crazy dreams, what a jerk!” I laugh with him. 

Which brings me here. It’s only been a month since his visit, and we didn’t have sex then. So then why. 

Why do I feel like this?

“Hey mom, do you remember when Alex came over last month?” I help my mother with the dishes as I ask the question. 

“Yes, why do you ask?” She smiles while scrubbing a plate. 

“Did you hear anything that night?” 

“Hm, well I heard you two giggling in your bedroom as I was getting a snack, but that was it,” She laughed a little, and I laughed with her, going back to the chore. 

Alex’s coming back this week to visit again. 

I don’t want to face him. 

“I brought steak!” I hear his voice from my desk, my parents delighted voices chatting from down the hall. I peak my head through the door, him holding up takeout boxes to my father like a prize.

I greet him with a kiss on the cheek, giving him a smile. 

I sob at his cheek, kissing it, hoping to make it stop. 

As I sit next to him at the table, I can’t help but think to myself. 

He knows I hate steak. 

Everyone here knows I hate steak. 

They all chatter away with themselves, chewing at the red meat. It’s rare and bright red, blood oozing with every fork stab. 

“Oh my goodness!” My mother blushes at a comment my father makes, slapping his shoulder. 

Alex stabs his knife into the steak, it makes me want to scream. 

Why does it feel like this whole dining table is eating me alive? I look towards the end of the table, I flash back to Alex knocking down the candle holder and slamming me against the wood. His hands dig into my shoulders as I sob for him to stop. 

“Sweetie, why aren’t you eating?” My fathers voice cuts through to me. I smile and pick up my fork and knife, working at the potatoes surrounding the meat. 

My fiance has been dating me for years. Why rape me? There’d be no reason to. 

“Sara?” I hear his voice next to me. He puts his hand over mine, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles.

I smile. 

There’s no way he could have, not him. 

“Jeez! You’re going to get me all riled up!” I sit on the bed, his hands cradling my cheek as he climbs on top of me. 

“Woah, the minute your parents are asleep you get like this?” He laughed a little, pressing his lips against mine. 

“Don’t you remember the last time they fell asleep?” He looks up at me, kissing my collarbone. 

“What?” I stop my movements. His fingernails break my skin, the back of my knees pressing against the wood again. “Wait, stop!” He slaps his hand against my mouth and bashes my head against the table. I scratch at his wrists and arms, hoping to break skin. He winces and lifts my head, only to slam it back onto the table. 

“Shut up,” The worst part is he doesn’t yell. He whispers it into my ear like a poison, the venom slowly running through me. 

I wish I didn’t see his face. 

“Sara,” I look into his eyes, cold and unforgiving. I sob. 

“Sara?” I look into his eyes, soft and sparkling. I smile. 

“Sorry, I spaced out!” He smirks and lightly kisses my lips again. He gets up from top of me and moves the covers. 

“Jeez, what am I going to do with you?” His voice is warm. 

“Someone needs to knock some sense into you,” His voice is cold. 

“Ah,” I shake my head and climb under the covers with him, his arms wrapping around me. 

“Hey, something’s been up with you tonight,” He says, moving my chin to look up at him. “What's wrong?” He asks. I search his eyes, looking for the person that found me that night. 

“Did that dream I told you about, did it actually happen?” I struggle with the words. I see a flicker in his eyes before he frowns. 

“Are you kidding me? That nightmare where I raped you?” I nod in response. He brings up one of his hands to pinch his brows together and sighs. 

“C’mon Sara, it was a nightmare, why?” 

“It was just so vivid,” I whisper. I can’t look him in the eyes, I’m scared at what I might see. 

“Well, describe what happened to me then, maybe that will clear your mind,” His voice is softer now, and I see his eyes. Still a bright blue, and still like warm water. 

“Ah, well, I went out for a midnight snack and then you followed me into the kitchen. You slammed me down the table and covered my mouth-” Before I can finish my sentence Alex climbs on top of me and covers my mouth with his hand. 

“Like this?” He whispers. I want to scream but he steals my voice from me. There he is again, that man inside his iris. I feel myself shake, my eyes getting watery. He lets go and turns his back to me. 

“Just kidding, go to sleep,” He mutters. 

I can’t sleep that night, and I don’t dare get up from my bed. 

I look down the hall and see Alex helping with chores. To see my mother smile with him is strange, she has no idea what he did last night. 

This morning, he frowned at me. I had asked what was wrong but he just looked at me and went to the kitchen. I feel like I might upset him more if I do this, but it’s the only thing I can think of to subdue my thoughts. I walk into my fathers office and open up his computer. 

Last year, my parent’s got robbed, and they got in through the kitchen. So, they have a security camera outside and inside the kitchen. 

I enter the system and search for the night of my nightmare. 

“Sara?” I hear my mothers voice from behind me. 

“Ah!” I switch tabs quickly and turn to see my mother along with Alex standing beside her. 

“What were you doing?” Alex asks. My mom can’t see him from behind her, but the look in his eyes makes me want to kill myself. 

“Checking one of my assignments!” I smile and stand up, exiting out the browser before I go. 

“Is it time for dinner?” I ask, they both nod and I follow them to the dining room. As I get up to the table, Alex slams me down. My face pressed against the wood as he put my hands behind my back. 

“Like this?” I hear him against me, his form lacking any warmth on my back. I look to my parents for help, but they’re laughing and chatting together like nothing is happening. 

Suddenly I’m released. 

“Just kidding, let’s eat,” He smiles and sits down, digging into his dinner. I sit down as well, it must have been my imagination. 

Why did I have that nightmare? 

“I can’t believe you,” He shut the door behind him before speaking. 

“I just needed to check,” I clutch my hands together. He turns around and walks toward me. When he looks up it is not a look I expect from him.

“Why?” His eyes were shimmering, tears falling down his cheeks. His knees hit the floor as he pleads. “Do you really see me that way?” He clasps his hands together. 

“Of course not!” I drop to the floor and put my arms around him. “I just, I felt like I needed to check,” I say. 

“Please, don’t check it,” He sobs out, I feel his tears against my shoulder. I nod as I tighten my arms around him. 

I truly am evil, how could I? My love, the man whom I’m meant to marry. I’m horrible, I’ll do everything to make it up to him. 

No matter how heavy my heart is, it’ll go away soon enough. 

I love him, and my love for him will be enough to get me through this. 

I threw up the next day. Over the course of my paranoia, I hadn’t noticed my period was two weeks late. I tell myself it’s probably stress, but the pregnancy test in the medicine cabinet catches my eye. 

And the plus sign on the screen terrifies me. 

I wish I could tell people that's where it ended. But I’m never as strong as I say I am. We were together for another year, I wanted to help him. Help him treat me better. I laugh with people when they ask ‘woah did he really do that, you must’ve killed him!’ and I say ‘almost’. But that’s not even close. 

What they don’t know is that I pleaded with him, that I begged for him to treat me better. I wouldn’t even say I wish I hadn’t. I loved seeing the gleam in his eyes, like I was getting through to him. Like, I was the only one who could change him. 

I’m very silly. 

And stupid. 

I still miss the way he treated me, the smile on his face and the lonely look he had in his eyes. 

I was on cloud nine when he kissed me. 

I still want to protect him. 

But, I’d never want him near me again. 

I wish I hated myself enough to stay with him.