There was an ache inside of me. I was touch starved and I didn’t want to admit it. There were apps and places you could go for that sort of thing. But, I wasn’t looking for sex and I felt weird about paying someone to touch me. I have a terrible desire to belong. A need to connect deeply with other people. I have no deep connections. I have had very few real friends over my lifetime and I’ve never been in love. The ties that bind us have been cut from my grasp. I’m left holding the severed ends of the red strings that were once attached to my heart. Some of the strings I cut myself. Some I watched as others cut them after I handed them the scissors. These other attachments that I have. I’ve followed the strings for decades now and still have yet to discover what they’re connected to. Maybe it is that I am incapable of being loved. Or, that people see something inside of me that frightens them. Whatever the reason, all of my relationships are fucked up and I’m over here so lonely, I’m feeling on myself. That’s when ‘he’ ran across my mind. I’ll call him Mister. I haven’t seen Mister in nearly a decade. The last time I thought about him… I can’t remember the time before this that he came across my mind. Things between us always seemed so unresolved. I let my mind settle on him for a few moments and then I swiped left on all of the subsequent memories trying to ruin a nice moment. No sooner than I had moved on in thought from Mister, did he appear on my phone. I changed his name in my contacts to “ NO!!!” Clearly my warning meant nothing to whomever was answering my phone; using my voice, and smiling my smile all big and talking all smooth and sexy. I get on my damn nerves sometimes. Thirty minutes later, I’m running around my house. Cleaning up and hopping in the shower. Mister is coming over. I feel happy and excited. Also like I want to break down and cry. I hope he hugs me when I see him. I can’t wait to feel his embrace and smell his smell. I stare at myself in the mirror and tell myself to calm the fuck down.
“ Why are you acting so thirsty?”
“ Because I am parched! It is a fucking desert out here!”
I say in conversation with myself out loud. I have to gather my personalities together before Mister gets here. By the time I’m done moisturizing and brushing my beard. Everyone is happily reintergrated. I walk around my place one last time. Making sure everything looks and smells presentable. I’ve strategically placed a few of those scented plugins around the house. I take a peek out of the window to see if Mister is arriving and I’m met by him peeking back at me. We both burst out laughing and I opened the door. He walks straight into my arms. Mister, god I missed this. The way he holds me and the way he smells. He wraps me in a bear hug and lifts my hefty 270 lbs straight up into the air.
“ You’re going to hurt your back picking me up like that.”
I warned him.
“ You’ll never be too heavy for me to hug you off the ground.”
He says brandishing that smile only he can smile. Shit. I’m in trouble. I fail at hiding my smile at his comment as I shut the door behind us. I invite him to sit on the couch as I offer him a drink. I bring the wine from the kitchen and sit beside him on the couch. He’s giving me this strange look and part of me starts to panic. Ripples of what if’s cascade into infinite branches of possibilities for that look.
“ What’s that look for?” I ask him.
“ Why did you let me come over? I’m surprised you even answered your phone.”
That’s a great question. Why did I invite him over? I pause mid at the start of a sentence, mouth gaped. Lying was never a thought. I paused because I didn’t know how to say what I felt. He put me on the spot and I felt exposed. He just kept staring at me with that look and I kept not saying anything. A funnel cloud of panic began to swirl in my gut. Mister put a hand on my knee and leaned in close. He takes my jaw in his hand, turning my face square with his. In a gentle deep voice he practically sang to me. Saying;
“ I don’t know why I’m here. But, I’m glad that I am.”
I can’t lie, he made me feel better. I let out an unintentional heavy sigh with the breath that I’d been holding for the past few moments. He smiles that damn smile again and I’m fixated. Fully trapped within his gravity. I haven’t even noticed the space closing between us when. A beautiful crash of eyelashes, beards, and lips occurs. There’s a slight tilting of our heads as we go back a second time. Heat from his nostrils and mouth caress my lips. The sensation is enhanced by the shivers that have appeared out of nowhere. Kissing him makes me feel like I’m changing. My body hasn’t felt like this ever. I’m split between processing all of these new sensations. I’ve kissed Mister before. But, not like this. There's something new this time. A hot tear escapes unexpectedly. Mister cups my face and asks me if I’m okay.
“ You just feel so good. You make me feel so good.”
My walls vanish with that admission. Every time our lips meet my void is filled. From my toes all the way to my brain. That empty space that I hide deep inside me is full. I’m swimming. I'm so full. We’ve gone past kissing into a full blown wordless conversation. Bass and baritoned moans and sliding of hands over firm clothed bodies. He missed me as much as I missed him. He pulled me closer to tell me so. I twirled my index finger playfully in the curl at the nape of his neck. Every now and then, we’ll lock eyes. Checking in with each other to make sure we’re still on the same page. And I’m full. He hugs me close to him just the way that I like. I feel greedy. Flesh hungry. I have to stop myself before this goes any further. Before I start to feel guilty. All I want to do is consume him. Drink all of him and keep him with me always. I hold him away from me but close enough to still feel his heat. My eyes are closed, I’m breathing hard, and my head is heavy. I raise my eyes to meet his gaze but he’s not there. Mister is gone. I was just.. Panic screams quietly from inside my brain. I get up from the couch and close the door that’s been hanging open for, I don’t know how long. I go back to my phone and check my call log. The last incoming call was yesterday. Confused, frantic, and devastated. The ache returns. Dragon fire or perhaps just acid reflux burns in my chest. Dejectedly I look around my empty house. The aroma of a scented plug in wafts across my nostrils. Anger strikes like lightning as I snatch the offending appliance from the wall's electrical socket. Not knowing what else to do I take myself to bed and cry myself to sleep.