I Loaned Lucy

Everyone has told me junior year will be the hardest year of high school. But here I was, a sophomore in fifth period lunch, and I can’t think of anything harder. 

“Hey, did you hear about Ms. Brown and Mr. Green from the math department? Apparently someone caught them in the teacher's lounge kissing and stuff,” I said to my best friend, Lucy, who was sitting across from me in the booth. I was doing my best to shift the conversation from Jared, who Lucy was constantly talking about ever since they had started “seeing each other” two weeks ago. 

“Mm-hmm,” Lucy responded. She looked up briefly from her phone, and then went back to typing away. 

My eyes shifted to the seat a few tables away, where Jared was staring at his own phone screen and smiling. 

Lucy and I used to sit in this booth and talk about everything that was important to both of us—how the lunch lady who scooped mashed potatoes was definitely spitting in our food, or the drama with the drama club, or the ways our moms were definitely communicating to make our lives as aggravating as possible. I had inherited the Italian-American couplet of blonde hair and tan from my mom and she had gotten the curly black hair from her mom’s Cuban side and freckles from her dad’s. But what we had both decided is that all of our parents were crazy. 

Up until two weeks ago, Lucy and I were happy, just the two of us. Now, there was a boy in the picture. And she wasn’t any fun to be around anymore. 

“I also heard that they found a dead body in Ms. Brown’s classroom closet.”

“Wow,” she said. Without looking up from her phone. She let out a silent scream and turned to where Jared was sitting. He waved back, and she rolled her eyes and returned to her phone screen. 

It was like I didn’t even exist.

“Lucy.”

“Yeah?”

“Lucy, did you hear what I said?”

Lucy’s eyes looked up from her screen but her fingers kept typing. 

“Sorry, Em. Jared just used my locker without asking and I just need to set the record straight.”

I laughed a little, just to feel like I was in on their conversation. I gave up. She wouldn’t talk about anything else. 

“What’d he say?” I asked. 

Lucy laughed and motioned to her phone. “He got this brand new recording mixer that he wants to show me after school.”

“And?”

“Well, he said it was super expensive. So because his friend also uses his locker he wanted to use mine so that it was more secure. But,” she stopped to laugh, “get this—he already put it in my locker! Isn’t that silly? He trusts me so much he didn’t even ask me first he just stuck his most prized possession in my locker. He’s so silly.”

“The silliest,” I said. 

Last period, the choir teacher had made us all take a test of “belonging.” She stressed how important it was to know our boundaries and keep what belonged to us private. I think we all got what the conversation was really about. Two of the altos had been getting overly confident making out in the back of the class when they thought no one was looking. 

The choir teacher had handed out blank paper and told us to write down everything we use in a day. And that this would help tell us what was important to us. 

I had been following the assignment until I looked over at Lucy and she was handing her paper as a folded up note over to Jared.

The rest of my list had been about how much Lucy and I shared every day. Things Jared would never understand. We were basically co-reliant.

…Lucy’s hand lotion

Half of Lucy’s sandwich

Lucy’s locker

Lucy’s lint roller…

And now, during fifth period lunch, I knew something that Jared would have written down—his new mixer. 

I didn’t know what this information did for me, but I did know that I now had a very limited time where Lucy and I were the only ones in on his secret. It might already be too late—he could have told his whole lunch table by now. 

My eyes darted between Jared and Lucy, sitting over their phones and giggling at their little secrets as if they were the only two people in the world. To them, nobody else mattered. Lucy didn’t belong to just me anymore. 

“Go over there and talk to him,” I said to Lucy. 

She didn’t look up at me, but she sighed and said, “You’re probably right, it’s probably not good for us to be apart for so long.”

I felt like smacking her across the face. Did she not see what she was doing right this very second? 

“Alright, enjoy talking to your boyfriend who’s right over there. I’m leaving,” I said. I gathered up my backpack and left the booth. I saw Lucy watch me pack up, and I detected a line of hurt across her face. But that was all. She didn’t try to stop me. She didn’t put down her phone. 

She didn’t care.

That was it. I needed to do something. I was tired of having my best friend spend all her free time with some guy, and then all her time with me thinking about spending time with the same guy. 

I knew Lucy’s locker combination. I used her locker the colder half of the year to store my winter coat. My locker was all the way on the third floor where only upperclassmen had class. Hers was conveniently right outside the choir room. And the hallway was empty right now. No one would see me if I dumped a brand new sound mixer that was still nicely wrapped in its packaging into the front of my backpack. Why would they suspect a thing? I was Lucy’s best friend, after all. I had every right to use her locker. 

***

After school, I stood outside the choir room, waiting for Lucy like I did every day after our last class. But I wasn’t alone anymore. Jared was also walking to her locker now. He tried the locker combination twice before he got in. I felt like laughing at him. Nobody who used Lucy’s locker enough would struggle with the lock. 

He looked to the empty top shelf of the locker and froze. He reached his hand up and felt around the top shelf, and then he stood on his tiptoes and felt even further. It was comical. 

Next he rifled through the other possessions in the locker, none of which were his. He was pulling back my winter coat when I stepped forward to put an end to this invasion of privacy. 

“Hey, Jared,” I said. I reminded myself I had to act like I knew nothing. “How are you?”

“Hey, Emily,” he said, continuing to go through the locker as if what he was looking for would suddenly appear. 

I intentionally reached around him and grabbed my coat off the hook. He apologized and backed away. I realized I would be curious to know what he was doing pulling apart Lucy’s locker.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Are you looking for something?”

He looked over my shoulder down the hallway, and then whipped his head in the other direction. 

“Have you seen Lucy?” he asked. 

“She should be coming any minute now,” I said. “We always meet up here right after class.”

“Actually, Em,” he said, and he turned to me sort of sheepishly. “I thought Lucy might’ve told you, but she’s coming with me to my house today.”

I kept my face as neutral as possible, but I could feel the anger rising in my cheeks. 

“If that’s okay with you,” he added. 

That last sentence had definitely been an afterthought. He wasn’t asking permission. He was demanding to take Lucy from me. And he had used my nickname too. I hated him. I hated him for taking Lucy and for treating me like I was Lucy’s second priority. I hated-

“Sure,” I said, pasting a sweet smile on my face. I was so close to telling him he didn’t need to take her home anymore now that his new mixer was lost, but that’s when Lucy came between us. 

“Hey,” she said. 

“Hey,” Jared and I responded simultaneously. 

Lucy grabbed her stuff and looked to Jared. “You ready?” she asked. 

“Yeah,” Jared said, “I just can’t find my new mixer. I could have sworn I left it at the top of your locker but I- I just want to go check my locker again real quick before we leave.”

“No problem,” Lucy said.

Jared looked at her a moment longer before jogging off. 

“What a dweeb,” I said. 

Lucy turned her head slowly, as if just realizing I was standing there beside them. 

“Huh?”

“Jared. A dweeb. He’s running in the halls.” I laughed forcedly, trying to land the joke. But Lucy just nodded and went back to packing up her locker. 

“Okay, I gotta catch my bus, but I’ll see ya tomorrow,” I said. 

“See ya tomorrow,” she repeated. 

***

Before homeroom the next morning, I waited for Lucy at her locker. But Jared was already standing there. The strawberry poptart I had eaten on the bus turned to bile in the back of my throat. He looked tired. Had he already given up hope of finding his lost item?

“Hey, Jared,” I said, opening Lucy’s locker (first try) and sticking my coat inside.

“Hey,” he said. He took a breath and added, “Hey, you didn’t happen to see a recording mixer, it was in a cardboard box, in Lucy’s locker yesterday, did you?” 

I looked at the hallway behind us. Lucy hadn’t arrived yet. Now was my chance. 

“Oh, that was yours?” I asked lightly. Jared’s stance instantly tensed up with the knowledge that someone had something he wanted. “Yeah,” he said. “That was mine, and I’d really like it back if you know where it went.”

“Sure thing, I can bring it by the end of day,” I said. Jared nodded but then stopped and cocked his head. 

“By…the end of the day? Emily, did you…take the box?”

I had been thinking about it all night, and I had come up with a plan. I had something Jared wanted now, and so I could bargain Lucy back from him. But I had to play my cards right. 

“I can return it this afternoon, but only if you do something for me in return: Leave Lucy alone all day,” I said.

“What-”

“No texting, no talking, no meeting her at her locker between classes. Okay?”

Jared was quiet. He squirmed as he leaned against the locker next to Lucy’s. He was trying so hard to not look desperate it was pathetic.

“For how long?” he finally asked. 

I took a moment and acted like I had to think about it. I held the seconds over him, as if I hadn’t already decided how exactly long it would take for Lucy to get over him. 

“Just for the day,” I said. 

“Just for the day,” he repeated. He looked at me, and he didn’t seem like a sad puppy dog anymore. He almost looked angry. But his eyes drifted away from me as a familiar set of footsteps picked their way toward the locker. His face lit up. My stomach twisted. Even when something was bothering him, he still felt excited to see her. To steal her away from me. 

But this morning was different. There would be no more stealing. 

As soon as his face lit up, he glanced over at me, and it immediately fell. He looked at Lucy one last time and then walked away without a word. I watched Lucy watch him go with the same thrill I got before going down a big hill on a theme park ride. 

“Good,” Lucy said. I was startled by the harsh tone. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“That mixer Jared brought to school yesterday? He thinks I stole it,” she said. 

“Oh no,” I said. But I wasn’t just acting troubled for Lucy’s benefit. I was genuinely concerned that if she and Jared weren’t on good terms, a day without talking to Jared might not be enough for it to seem like Jared was over her. 

Luckily, though, I knew my friend well.

***

“He hasn’t sent me his midday text,” Lucy said at lunch. She was pouting. I could see the signs. But maybe this was our chance to talk about anything besides Jared. 

“Sorry you guys are still fighting,” I said, “Maybe talking about something else will take your mind off of it.”

So we did. We talked about how Ms. Brown’s geometry class had to be the hardest math in the entire high school. We laughed at Lucy’s shopping history, which was primarily makeup she was going to buy for her first official dinner date with Jared. 

“Now I guess that won’t be happening,” Lucy said. She sounded more angry than she did sad, which I figured was a good thing. If things were reaching an end between her and Jared, it was better if I didn’t have to spend more time after their relationship consoling her over this boy. 

***

When the final bell rang to end the school day, it felt like it had barely been an hour. Jared was at Lucy’s locker. I guess it was my fault for not picking a meeting place.

“My mixer?” he said without greeting me. 

“Sure, sure, but first, how was your day?”

“Fine. How was your day?” he asked sarcastically.

“Great,” I said. “I finally got to spend time with my friend. And not talk about you.”

I was expecting some remorse, but instead, Jared let out a strangled laugh and said, “It’s all about you, Emily, isn’t it?”

I was speechless. He waited only a moment before continuing.

“You’re so selfish. Did you ever stop to ask what Lucy wanted?”

“What does Lucy want?” asked Lucy. She had her hands on her hips, and a questioning face flashed between Jared and me. 

“Did you know about this?” Jared asked her.

“Know about what?” Lucy asked defensively.

“Give it back, Emily,” Jared said, “now.” He held out his hand expectantly.

He was so dramatic. Bravo. Did he want a trophy for his performance? I didn’t owe him anything. I shouldn’t even have given him his new toy back.

“What’s he talking about, Em?” Lucy asked me. She spoke to me with a kinder voice than she had afforded Jared. I loved that we were on good terms. The best of terms. We were best friends. Nothing could break that, I was sure of it. So I reached into my backpack, and I pulled out Jared’s brand new mixer, still in the box. 

“Em…” Lucy said, holding a hand to her mouth. 

“That’s wild,” is all Jared kept saying as he watched me open my backpack and hand over the instrument. Without the bargaining chip in my possession, I suddenly felt very very powerless. Jared could do or say anything now. And there was a possibility it would hurt Lucy and my friendship for good. So I needed to get my words in before he did. I needed to say something meaningful, something powerful…

“Lucy belongs to me,” I said. 

Said out loud, the words sounded bitter and wrong. Nobody belonged to anybody. But wait, that’s not how I meant it…if I had just had more time before I let that out, it would have come out the way I wanted. I think. 

“No,” Jared said, shaking his head slowly like a disappointed parent, “that’s not right, Em. That’s just not right.” 

“But…but…” In my head it was fine to say things like that. Lucy and I were best friends! We belonged together. We belonged to each other. 

“I see now,” Lucy said. “You wanted to trade something Jared cared about for something you cared about. I’m flattered that you care about me, Em, but you- you can’t own me.” She looked anywhere other than my face as she said it, her eyes eventually settling on her feet. I knew Lucy as well as I knew myself, and I knew what that face meant. She felt embarrassed of me. 

My cheeks flared. Suddenly my winter coat was way too hot. But this was all wrong. Lucy wasn’t supposed to be mad at me. Jared had just accused her of stealing his mixer and she didn’t seem to care anymore. 

“Luc,” I said, and my voice came out dry and small and so different than I had intended. “We- we’re still best friends, though, I just thought that-”

“I don’t know,” Lucy said to her feet. 

“What?” I asked through a sob.

Lucy brought her gaze up to me. For the first time in two weeks she was fully paying attention to me and only me. “Are we friends anymore, Em? I. Don’t. Know.”

My face burned and I felt like I was melting into a puddle of angry goo. I looked at her eyes and pleaded with them to look back at me in the kind way she had always done before this. What had she done? Had she just proclaimed we weren’t friends anymore? Did all of our history together mean nothing?

 Alright, if that was how she wanted it to end, I wouldn’t stop her. I picked myself up and turned away, conscious of the tears everyone could most definitely see. And I left her standing there. I left for good. She had declared our friendship over. She had chosen Jared over me. 

That was it. I was ruined. And none of it was my fault.

Was it?