I stay BUT you go!

 “Where am I and what’s been going on,

I appear to be in a hospital ward that just seems ‘so wrong”!

“I’m in here with ‘old aged pensioners’ but I’m only ‘twenty four’,

I’m easily the youngest in here but I don’t know what it’s for”?

“I was very dumbfounded by the situation and I really had to

think,

‘I remembered collapsing whilst I stood at the bathroom sink”!

“That’s right’, there was a fall and soon an ambulance appeared

and then I was in hospital and rapidly felt quite weird”!

“I was suddenly rushed outside and then I heard the helicopter

blades,

and I heard my fiancée say ‘see you up there’ as my daylight

slowly fades”!

I was in an unusual position in an unusual and unfamiliar environment because I was now sitting upright in a hospital bed, which apparently, was a positive improvement because for many weeks all I could recall was lying in the foetal position! I would later be both reminded and updated on the cause of my collapse and my prognosis, which was, that my initial collapse was because I had had a brain haemorrhage and I had been in a coma for many weeks after the initial life saving operation and then I continued being ‘in and out’ of consciousness for a further frustrating period of time afterwards, which explained why I was now seeing Easter eggs on bedside tables next to other patients because I last recalled looking forward to celebrating the New Year with my Fiancée and friends!

My tediously slow, frustrating and upsetting recuperation began in a horizontal position for months afterwards and I only saw nurses, doctors and visitors looking down at me and they had a ‘one way’ conversation with me because, much to my surprise, I had a thick tube inserted into my throat and my unfamiliar voice was ineligible anyway!

As I looked around this ward I could see no familiar faces but they were friendly faces that recognised a similarity with my condition and therefore I received acceptance and compassion, which made my personal situation only ‘very slightly’ bearable but it was very depressing and mentally frustrating and upsetting!

This ward accommodated, including me, about fourteen patients and it was a pleasingly light and bright ward with about six or seven large windows welcoming ‘natural light’ which had previously seemed a very rare but precious ‘gift’ that we sometimes take for granted! One of these very large windows would neatly frame my daily visual activity and this mental stimulation would be beneficial for exercising my brain and imagination! The window that was opposite to me framed, rather symmetrically, a tree on a grassy hill and clouds would either slowly drift past this tree, rush high above it or just linger over the tree as though it was behaving in a suspicious way! The clouds’ movement and direction would depict and intrigue both my thoughts and imagination ‘as well as’ encourage my poor geographical knowledge with regards to their appearance here, there direction and destination and from where they could have possibly arrived! If they were moving fast I knew that it must be windy outside, or if they moved slowly past I could tell that there was a breeze ‘in the air’ or if they just lingered idly above I could tell that there was little wind today ‘if any’ and the colour of the sky would be an indication of the warmth and the season! Today I estimated that we were in the month of March or ‘very early’ April but I could also see that it was a very pleasant day!

On this particular morning the clouds were already there as soon as the long and heavy curtains were quickly ripped open and these clouds were low and conveniently lingered because they were awaiting my presence so that they could take me out of here on a ‘mystery tour’ and my destination, at a guess, appeared to be on the South Coast of Wales?

“Roll-up’, roll-up’, come and get your hot-dogs, burgers or chips or if you prefer we have ice-cream or other ices and freshly made doughnuts to offer you ‘as well” said the colourful and smartly dressed man and our surprisingly quick journey had ended and we now appeared to be at the seaside and ‘as I’ dismounted the cloud that brought me here I soon realised that I was in a ‘Fun-Fair’ at the seaside and it was a very popular place today and so was the golden sand of the beach that was adjacent to it!

Where would I go first? The warm fresh air and the vastness and the freedom of the great expanse of the adjacent beach was very appealing but before I could wander-off a ‘rather loud and irate voice’ was heard from behind and then this voice was followed with the accelerating sound of footsteps - ‘oh dear’ I thought ‘somebody’s in trouble’! The footsteps became louder and this accelerating sound seemed to be right behind me and as I turned around I was immediately confronted by an extremely large and tall man who hastily grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards this very large marquee that occupied the central area of the FunFair and he continued scolding me with his very deep and loud voice- “where have you been, I’ve been looking ‘all over the place’ for you and as he was literally dragging me towards this large grey canvas marquee I noticed that there was a photograph of me outside and apparently I was ‘great’ and ‘amazingly acrobatic’!

He continued with his ranting “If you don’t perform then we have no act and if we have no act then we have no show and if we have no show then you don’t get employed or paid” and I soon approached the marquee’s entrance and the promotional poster outside that boasted my amazing skills and were the ‘apparent highlight’ of this show and I was both baffled and bemused with this idea that I was talented with both athleticism and daredevilry!

“Now I want you to perform particularly well tonight because we have a ‘full house’ and I don’t want to refund any money again…… ‘do you hear”?

‘As if’ the pressure of performing any unknown athletic act, that was worthy of payment, wasn’t daunting enough but he had to add the threat of doing it well and to be entertaining and I didn’t have a clue ‘as to’ my routine or responsibilities but my first dramatic act, after I had ‘warmed up’, was to successfully perform on the very high and daunting trapeze!

I didn’t particularly like heights and even the thought of climbing up the very tall ladder that was attached to the side of one of the tall uprights frightened me but I was ‘forcibly encouraged’ to perform well tonight and I really didn’t know how!

I started the climb very nervously and showed no signs of confidence, bravery or athleticism and I could hear the predictable angry shouts for refunds now! I had succeeded in climbing the very tall ladder and expected to be applauded for that but I just heard a few sighs and comments of ‘about bleeding time’!

I suddenly felt very dizzy and started to wobble at being so high with no safety precautions ‘in place’ but my time to surprise even myself had to soon begin and I very nervously placed my right foot onto the thin and taught wire that was my thin and high pathway to success and safety would await me on the other side!

I was automatically given a balancing rod to aid my actual walk across the wire but a ‘jet-pack’ would have received a ‘much more’ grateful response!

I nervously began with this ‘suicidal walk’ and very cautiously placed my trembling right leg onto the thin wire that awaited my disastrous crossing and my left leg briefly joined my right leg on this wire but my stability instantly failed and I very tragically fell off but ‘as I’ began to fall the soft and fluffy cloud that brought me here appeared ‘just in time’ to dramatically shorten my fall and its gratefully sudden appearance would also rescue me from any angry verbal disappointment from either the ‘paying public’ or my ‘already irate’ boss because its appearance here was a thankfully short one and it moved swiftly towards the exit and the open air outside and it continued on its return journey.

The weather had remained refreshingly fine and there were no other clouds to distract or redirect ‘my cloud’ and I continued on this journey with relaxing calmness and we would soon return to the hospital and to my hospital bed.

The afternoon might not have been a totally positive one but it had excitement, travel and fresh air with the probable ending of both my life and career! Any negativity was soon ended when I was given assistance from a nurse to be seated in an upright position in my bed ‘as though’ she expected my arrival which was conveniently in time for both tea and visitors!

My fiancée was my first regular and prompt visitor whose visits were looked upon very very favourably and finally I would have some exciting news to tell her when she automatically asked the question “what have you been doing today”? ‘As soon as’ she asked that predictable question I could ‘at last’ gain her genuine interest with my exciting reply and she listened to my story with both sympathy and despair as her eyes looked upwards and she ‘tutted’ loudly with frustration before quickly concluding “so, you’ve been in bed asleep this afternoon have you, whilst I’ve been working hard”? “Dreamer”!