Single Female Soul Seeker

“I will enjoy my vacation. I will enjoy my vacation. I will enjoy my vacation, Ohmmmmmm……………….” Sherry silently chanted this mantra at the morning meditation session located in the outdoor pavilion of the Blissful Aging Retreat Center, affectionately called BARC by the regulars. It was a blessing that she was able to get time off from work to do some self-care but she had to make a concerted effort not to ruminate on all the hoops she had to jump through at work to receive that blessing. She discreetly rearranged her stretch pants that had become too tight lately and tried not to dwell on her self-image. “I am enough, I am enough, I am........"

The sound of a bell chime interrupted her angst, and she stopped fidgeting when a tall, slender young man of around 40 walked into the center of the floor and introduced himself as Jackson. He would be leading the morning meditations and offering advanced yoga classes in the afternoon. Sherry made a mental note to sign up for all of them despite her lack of flexibility. He was charming and had a South African accent to go along with his good looks.

“If this was your last day of life, what would you like to say to everyone before you leave?” he said to a startled audience. Sherry thought, “Wow, he doesn’t waste any time getting to the heart of things.” He must have seen the quizzical look on her face and asked her name. “Sherry,” she answered. “And what last words would you want to express before you leave this life?” Jackson asked. Sherry thought for half a second and phrased her answer in the form of a question, “Um, I’m not ready yet?” Everyone including Jackson laughed and the moment lightened up. But now that the ice was broken, Jackson gave an interesting talk on how in some cultures, death was not scary and mysterious. People planned for it and included the veneration of the dead in many cultural traditions. “In our modern society, we think of it as an end. A finality. Unless one belongs to a spiritual tradition that regards life as eternal and this body only temporary, it is easy to get caught up in the materiality of life. Comparing yourself to others based on material possessions and status can leave us feeling depressed and unworthy.” Sherry and all the other attendees, both male and female, were entranced by Jackson’s confident air as he expounded on such a profound topic. He was so young yet so wise…or was that just her hormones talking. This week was going to be interesting, she thought to herself.

Then like a bad habit, work crept back into her thoughts. Once this week was over, she would have to report back to her job as an administrative assistant for a psychiatrist. It was stressful work, and boring to boot. Her boss was a workaholic, and she could only take vacation when and if he wanted to close the office. She was actively looking for work, but at her age, it wasn’t easy to make the transition. How odd that this morning’s meditation was centered around the concept of death. Another reason she was unhappy at work was that there were occasional interactions with people who had made attempts on their own lives. Sherry found it sad and depressing. This and the fact that she couldn’t take vacation at times convenient to her, made her depressed. Situationally depressed, not chronically. Her imaginary psychology degree always clarified that fact. Her current situation was nothing a good resignation letter couldn’t remedy, once she found a better job.

Last Friday, before activating the vacation message on the office phone, she went through her Spotify playlist to clean it up a bit. Nostalgia for 80s and 90s music inspired her to add songs that made her feel calm and happy. Ironically, many of the songs had depressing themes.

“What Becomes of the Broken Hearted,” by Paul Young followed by “Alive and Kicking” from Dead or Alive. “Virtual Insanity” by Jamiroquai made her wonder if this was subconscious on her part. “Don’t Forget About Me”, by Simple Minds…for those afraid of getting Alzheimer's Disease. And to include eating disorders, k.d. lang crooned over her “Constant Craving.”

She chose to spend her vacation week at BARC because she didn’t want to be around people she knew. She wanted to escape…and to be confronted with her own mortality so she could start finding the joy and wonder in life again. She wanted to go back to work with restored faith in life and humanity, and an action plan.

As she walked alone to breakfast, she noticed two women significantly older than herself cornering Jackson in the pavilion. She chuckled to herself and wondered what Hijinx would ensue at Blissful Aging Retreat Center this week with Jackson in the house. Jackson looked her way as if knowing what she was thinking, and she found herself the focus of his attention for the second time. Something inside her stirred, possibly igniting some of the wonder in life that she sought. Her stomach started growling. She hummed Constant Craving as she made her way down the winding path that led to the campus canteen.

Later that day, Sherry pulled out every yoga outfit she owned to scrutinize herself in the mirror. Wow, she thought. I have got to be at least 18 years older than Jackson and I am acting like a teenager with raging hormones. Her hormones were anything but raging, but attention from a hunky yoga instructor was giving her a new lease on life. She picked the best of the lot, grabbed her yoga mat and ran out the door to advanced yoga. “What am I thinking?” she chuckled. Her lack of flexibility was going to make her look bad so what was the point in dressing up?

There was a shorter path to the pavilion from her cabin that cut through the staff parking lot. Dashing toward her destination, something tall and lithe caught her eye. It was Jackson, but with two extra arms wrapped around his back. There leaning against a powder blue VW bug, was Jackson locked in the embrace of a clearly 30 something young woman who Sherry guessed was not a registered participant at BARC. She slowed down as she realized the gravity of the situation. “Oh my God," she thought. "He is not gay.” "Hurray!" She probably should have been depressed at the sight of Jackson in love with a much younger woman, but the fact that he was straight gave her hope of at least a shot. A long one, but a shot all the same. Now she could relax and really enjoy her vacation. The pressure of the allure was off. If she had his attention, great! And if she didn’t, she would do what she came here to do, confront her fear of death and reignite her interest in her own, temporarily unsatisfactory life.

An Indigo Girls song popped into her head. “The less I seek my source….the closer I am to fine.” Sherry thought, the less I give a crap about outcomes, the closer I am to fine. Yeah.