The Taker

I like to hide in plain sight. I am Mr Average, neat short black hair framing a non-threatening almost forgettable face. I am slim, reasonably athletic and stand at around 5 foot 11 inches, again decidedly average. My name is Jimmy 'The Window' Kelly. I like ease in gaining entry to your house, collecting your valuables and exiting in under 10 minutes, that way no one, least of all me, gets hurt. You will be fully insured, if you're not that's your own tough luck, and will make your claim and be reimbursed promptly for probably 80 per cent of the value I have taken from you whereas I will be lucky to make 20 per cent on a good day, night work isn't for me: too messy. It's all about getting the inside track, getting the lie of the land in advance of action and then just getting the job done. A pal of mine Sean fits alarms and, of course, showed me the simple method to disable them which, I'd like to fill you in on, but the exact tricks of trade are not for your eyes and besides my pal Sean would most likely murder me so let's keep him on board and everyone can sleep tonight.   

I better make another thing clear to you before I take you through my last job: I'm not in this line of work anymore just in case you had any ideas. No it was time to hang up my gloves and work clothes and put what I'd took into my retirement. Don't get me wrong, I did alright but not well enough to live in a palace or anything like that, far from it but I'm happy with the fruits of my labours. My last job didn't make me decide that it was time to let the next generation have a go, no my last job was sweet, yeah it was so sweet. But I'll pretend I'm still at it, that way you won't get bored and I don't want to bore anyone. Sean tipped me off about number sixty Glenberry road. He said that when he was fitting the alarm he saw tons of gold necklaces, rings, all the good stuff in the main bedroom so I just had to take a look, only human you know and it sounded like a nice payday.

I borrowed Jack, the little terrier from my neighbour and offered to bring him for a stroll, my number one tool of trade. You see no one passes any comment about an ordinary man walking an ordinary dog and both of those statements were certainly true about Jack and me. I reached Glenberry road and quickly found number sixty. Jack played his part well needing to relieve himself just outside the front gate, giving me a chance to survey the property. It looked expensive but on closer examination the old failings appeared. The windows were flimsy to say the least and I could tell that the front door wasn't anything to worry about either. We continued our walk, Jack and me around the block. Excellent news there's a park at the back, this was looking like the proverbial piece of cake. Back wall wasn't even that high when I reached the back of the house from the park. Using a pair of binoculars under cover of a glade of trees I was able to see my perfect exit, the downstairs window, perfect. I had all I needed and Jack and me headed home, you don't hang around long enough to arouse suspicion, trade secret but you can thank me later.

One more walk with Jack and I was all set. I knew that a couple lived there in number sixty with their two sons of college going age and the mother goes shopping every Tuesday between ten and twelve, Sean told me, she kindly volunteered the information when he was fitting the alarm: that was good of her, a woman of habit just what I need. The father is working everyday too so it's all looking charming and dandy.

I wandered up and down that road and sure enough I saw missus whatever her name is, leaving at ten on the dot, in her white SUV, good colour, dead easy to spot. I walked Jack home and then hopped into my own car and drove up Glenberry road at around eleven, no sign of the white SUV. I parked near the park at the back and strolled down the road spotting missus SUV pulling into her driveway at ten minutes to twelve, could this get any easier? Short answer: No.  

You may be wondering about my entry point: crucial to the story. Couldn't be simpler and more obvious; through the front door. How do I get in? I hear you ask. Simple really when you've got the front door keys. You see Sean got them when he was fitting the alarm to let himself in and out when missus owner was out shopping and makes me a copy so there's no mess, no breaking your way in, just walk straight up the front door and open the door just like the owner does every day, disable the alarm and complete the job as quickly and with as little fuss as you can. I don't mess up the house at all, I don't wreck any of your presses and cupboards, I don't pour paint over your clothes nor shit on your floor: disgusting practice. No I get in, get the loot and make my exit cleanly.

Here's what happened on the day I did my last job. The weather played kind, it was one of those overcast days, you know the ones I mean: dull and gloomy. On those sort of days people don't tend to be looking out admiring their front gardens nor do they tend to be out cutting grass or painting their gates, they tend to stay put which suits me perfectly. I had offered to distribute flyers for a local supermarket and I had them with me as I had a perfect cover for going into each house, again no one batted an eyelid in my direction. I drove to the park at the back of Glenberry road and walked towards the house. I met a surprising numbers of walkers on that day but I just greeted them as they past by and no one stopped me for a light or anything like that which was a relief. I reached number sixty and everything looked good, car gone, windows closed, no one about so I just walked up to front door and let myself in. I used a scanner to locate the alarm signal and just blocked it cleanly disabling the alarm in seconds. The alarm re-enables after ten minutes so I had to be quick.

I bounded up the stairs and into the main bedroom. What a collection of gold necklaces, bangles, diamond rings, premier quality watches, it was a stunning collection and it was mine. I just helped myself, filled the bag with the loot and had another scout around for cash in the wardrobe and I found five hundred Euro in a jacket pocket, a nice bonus. I zipped up my bag and made my way downstairs and froze, right in the top corner of the hallway was a camera. 'Fuck.' I loudly exclaimed but there was no time to trace it back and anyway it was most likely storing the footage up to that cloud yoke so nothing I could do  about it now. I just remained calm and coolly exited through the back window and them jimmied open another window and placed a foot on the sill to make it look like that was the entry point, scaled the wall and casually walked through the park and got into my car and drove home.

I had a big problem. I hadn't covered my face and that camera would have caught clear footage of me as I came down the stairs. Luckily I can grow a beard pretty quickly so the razor was binned for a few weeks. I hastily shaved my head with a home hair cutting device and I put on baseball cap, which I should've worn on the job, and headed over to Sean's place.

I saw Sean through the back window, he was sitting in kitchen drinking a cup of tea. I knocked on the window and he could see a worried look on my face. He opened the back door, 'How'd it go? Any hitches?' He enquired with a relaxed tone that changed when I removed my cap. 'Jesus what the fuck have you done?' I sat down looking depressed.

'Got anything to drink? Stronger than that shit you're drinking?'

'Yeah sure.' Sean said moving quickly towards a cupboard taking out a bottle of whiskey and quickly pouring two glasses and handing me one while he sipped the other. I took a larger gulp and swallowed the amber liquid without blinking.

'There was a fucking camera right there in the hallway. Can you fucking believe it?' I said shaking my head.

'It must be fucking new. There was no camera last time I was there. You were wearing a cap?'

'No.' I said despairingly. I took another long slug of whiskey, it was easing my nerves.

'Ah fuck it anyway. Look it probably was a dummy, a lot of those houses are too tight to put out for a decent fucking system and even if it wasn't, there's no way of knowing if the video was clear. Listen don't sweat it. You get the stuff?'

'Yeah it was rich pickings like you said. There must be a couple of grand of gear I got.'

'Good. Em, listen lay low for a couple days and I'll no doubt get a call from Mrs Kane wanting to know how the alarm failed to activate.'

'What'll you tell her?'

'Some bullshit about the battery backup not kicking in. You leave that to me.'

I stayed for another drink and returned home to lay low for a while.  

Sean was called over to Mrs Kane's house. He consoled her and offered to fit another alarm system for free but she shot down that idea and just wanted to know why the alarm failed to go off. Sean had a look at the control panel and looked through the logs.

'It looks like the battery shorted out. I can see some leak coming from the room above. Have had any renovations done lately?'

'What are talking about? We have nothing done for years. Where is the leak? You're talking rubbish.' An angry Mrs Kane said dismissively.

'You see it above the alarm box there's damp on the ceiling above.' Sean said inviting Mrs Kane to take a closer look. She wasn't buying it.

'Ah that's an old mark. There's nothing dripping down. Anyway how could a tiny bit of water ruin an alarm system? I thought you knew what you were doing. I'm not happy with this at all. Pack your bags and get out. I'm going to get a professional in, someone who knows what they're doing.'

'I'm very sorry Mrs Kane.' Sean said consolingly. He turned back to her and asked her about the camera, hoping she'd open up about it, saying they might have good footage and she should get it checked. But again she was dismissive.

'That's none of your business. Now take your tools and get out.'

Sean said goodbye to her and left none the wiser and with a fair deal worrying him. That footage could really be a huge problem and he was sure to get a call from the police. He didn't have to wait long as there was a Garda car parked outside his house. The two guards got out of the car and rang the doorbell as Sean approached his house.

'Can I help you officers?' Sean said loudly to the guards.

'Sean Brennan?' One of guards asked.

'Yes that's me. What can I do for you?'

'We'd just like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind?'

'That's fine.' Sean said as he unlocked the front door and entered the code on the keypad of his own alarm. He showed them into the kitchen where they sat down at the table notebooks at the ready.

'Coffee? Tea? Anything stronger maybe?' Sean asked casually.

'No, no that's fine. I'll get straight to it. You installed a burglar alarm for the Kane's on Glenberry road. Number sixty is that correct? And you're aware that house was burgled?' The older guard said taking charge.

'Yes I did fit the alarm and yes Mrs Kane told me what happened.' Sean answered quickly.

'When did you install this alarm?'

'Two weeks ago, eh, let me see, em it would've been a Tuesday.'

'And the alarm was working correctly?'

'Yep. Tested four times using four different zones.'

'And how come it didn't go off when the back window was opened?'

'I checked it for Mrs Kane and I think there was a leak which caused the alarm to short.'

'Surely there's some short protection?'

'Normally this wouldn't happen but possibly a seal in the housing was defective.'

'So the alarm was defective? You installed a faulty alarm?'

'It's not a requirement to test for water resilience. The alarms are guaranteed. I can send it back and get a refund in a few days.'

'Ok that's all for the time being. We may need to ask you more questions in a few days.' The older officer said sternly.

'No bother. Call again anytime.' Sean said as he showed the guards out.

My second phone rang and it was Sean from a different number, most likely his second phone. He told me what had happened and also that the guards had nothing and they fully believed that the burglar got in the back window so it was looking good but that I was to continue to keep a low profile and everything would turn out fine. I wasn't feeling so good though and I still had to get the loot somewhere safe but I had a feeling I was being watched even though I probably wasn't. I wasn't thinking straight, I had to run until the heat was off. But there was no way I could leave, I had to stay put and sit on my hands and hope.

The older officer Garda Boyle shouted over at the younger officer Garda Murphy, 'Where are we with the cam footage?'

'It just came back, reviewing now.'

'Great let's have a look.' Garda Boyle said as he rushed over to where Garda Murphy was sitting. Straight away he recognised the man in the footage and there was also footage from the upstairs bedroom cam which I hadn't spotted and footage of me staging it to look like I had jimmied the window.

'If it isn't our old friend Jimmy 'The Window' Kelly.

I'm known as Jimmy 'The Window' Kelly but I prefer 'The Taker': it's more mysterious.

Having said all that those guards took something from me more valuable than all the loot I could carry that day, they took away my freedom.