Moving On

Dear Johnny:

I’m sorry I ended our relationship so abruptly and disappeared. I know it’s been three years since we last spoke but there is a lot to share. I’ve never stopped loving you. I know I said some brutal things during our last meeting, but they were said in the heat of the moment. I was scared and upset by my ‘situation’. It was stupid and unfair of me not to share with you that I was two months pregnant. I didn’t want to burden you. You were so stressed studying for the bar exams, I didn’t think you could make a rational decision. I had decided to have an abortion, and I knew you would oppose it. Well, silly me! I changed my mind at the last moment, and we have a beautiful baby daughter. She has your dimples and blonde hair. I see you when she smiles.

Don’t worry, I’m not asking for anything. I’m making a great living as a graphic artist and my mom has been helping with her daycare. I just wanted to reach out to you and see if you want to become part of Joanne’s life. Oh yeah, her name is a combination of yours and mine. Isn’t that cool?

If you’re still angry at me, I understand. Just so you know, I’m still single. I don’t know your status. My address, cell number and E-mail are the same. Reach out if you’re interested. I love you.

                                                           Annie

Johnny paled and leaned against the wall in his apartment as he finished the letter. For a moment, he thought his heart had stopped. He had to sit down and gather his thoughts. Annie had been the love his life. Her rejection three years ago had crushed him. She would not answer his calls, texts or E-mails. For a year he obsessively went over his actions prior to their breakup with no answers. He called her friends, but they couldn’t provide him with justification. They encouraged him to move on. He just couldn’t. Her friends provided some comfort by reassuring him that there wasn’t another guy. Yet what else could it be? They were perfect together. Marriage seemed inevitable. The pain was so overwhelming, he skipped the bar exam. Six months of therapy made no difference. He became a recluse. His friends tried unsuccessfully to invite him to parties, concerts and boys’ night out. No one could get him out of his funk.

After a year, his depression lifted, and he successfully sat for his bar exam. He resumed his social life but refused to date. No woman could compete with his idealized image of Annie. Friends were frustrated with his continued obsession. He buried himself in his work at a prestigious law firm. It was Hollywood and he was an entertainment lawyer. Many of his clients were beautiful women. Yet none of them drew his interest. They couldn’t compete with his image of Annie. Besides, he told friends that it was not ethical to date clients. Blind dates and online dating were out of the question. He had made a vow of celibacy until his career was well established. His friends suggested more therapy, but Johnny insisted he was happy with his present situation.

Then everything changed. Doreen joined the firm. She was a Harvard grad with an uncanny resemblance to Annie. Her long black hair, freckles and crooked smile made her a dead ringer. When he first met her, Johnny was tongue tied. He wondered if fate was playing a cruel joke on him. It only got worse. Doreen shared the same interest in classical music, good literature and tennis that Johnny had shared with Annie. She had also had a traumatic breakup a year before and was now single. Johnny called his therapist immediately. He had chosen a female psychologist, hoping to get a woman’s perspective.

“Johnny, this Doreen isn’t Annie. Maybe on paper, she resembles her, but you can’t assume they’re the same person. Don’t project Annie into every woman you meet. I’m happy that you’re showing interest in a woman. However, your continued obsession with Annie will doom any potential relationship. Exorcise Annie from your psyche. It’s time. If you’re truly interested in Doreen, get to know her. I think you’ll find she’s a unique individual. No matter what, you’ve got to move on.”

Johnny thought: “There it is again. I’ve got to move on. I thought I had but obviously not. Damn that Annie! I’ve got to get her out of my head.”

After six more months of therapy, Johnny was finally ready to move on. He had slowly become more acquainted with Doreen. Yeah, there were similarities with Annie but also some major differences. Doreen had an eclectic sense of humor and an infectious laugh. She loved slapstick comedy whereas Annie had refused to watch those movies that Johnny loved. Doreen was much more laid back than Annie. She had a calming effect on the other lawyers, especially Johnny. Annie had been high strung.

Eventually Doreen and Johnny started dating and within a year, they were engaged. The wedding was scheduled for the end of June. Johnny received the letter on June 16th.

***

Johnny sat on his sofa for an hour. He contemplated his options. Of course, he would do the responsible thing and meet his daughter. Yet he really didn’t want to see Annie. It had taken over a year for him to remove her from his thoughts, He didn’t want to regress. He loved Doreen and felt his relationship with her was far healthier than the one he had with Annie. Yet it was missing some of their passion. God knows what would happen when he saw Annie. Still, he had a daughter! How would Doreen react to the news? She knew about his past obsession with Annie and his many months of therapy. How could she not be concerned? Still, Dorren was one of the most caring, forgiving and understanding people he had ever met. She’d probably be fine, maybe even thrilled that she had a stepdaughter. Yet, you never know. God damn it, Annie!

***

Annie was eager to open the response letter from Johnny. She had been from hell and back since she last saw him. The nine months of pregnancy were uneventful despite missing Johnny. However, after the birth of her daughter, she developed a severe case of postpartum depression. It erased all other emotions including love. She became so paralyzed by her depression that she spent many months in a psychiatric hospital. Her mother took over the care of her newborn.

After months of failed antidepressants and psychotherapy, Annie underwent electric convulsive therapy. Her recovery was slow but steady. Eventually, she was able to resume work and the care of her one-year-old infant. She had lost a year of her life. Johnny was only a distant memory. She started dating but  was unsatisfied. Gradually, memories of the happy times with Johnny returned. It was close to three years since the breakup. Yet she felt the urge to reach out to him. That’s when she wrote the letter. Now she was eager to read his response.

Her hands trembled as she tore open the envelope.

Dear Annie:

WTF! I have a daughter! It’s been three years. I called, texted and E-mailed you without a response for one year.  It was clear you wanted nothing to do with me. It hurt. Now you want to reconnect and present me with my daughter? I would have done anything for you. You know I wanted kids and would have welcomed your pregnancy. Why did you leave me? We were so good together.

 Give me time to consider all my options. I’ve moved on. After two years of celibacy and antisocial behavior, I met a wonderful woman. We fell in love and we’re getting married in two weeks. I need to share this news with her before making any commitments. Of course, I want to meet my daughter and assume some responsibilities. Beyond that I can’t say. I will contact you after my wedding. I’m glad you’re doing well.

Fondly

Johnny

Annie didn’t know how to react. On the one hand, she was shocked by Johnny’s bitterness. On the other hand, what could she expect after three years? Still, in her head, two of those years didn’t count. Irrationally, Johnny’s signing off the letter fondly really hurt. She didn’t realize how much she still loved him. She should have been happy that he found someone. Wasn’t that what love was all about? Yet she couldn’t quite get there. For her, time had stood still. She hadn’t moved on.

***

After writing his response to Annie, Johnny called Doreen.

“Honey, I have something I need to show you. Can I come over?”

“What is it?”

“It’s better if I show you.”

“I’m working on a brief, but I should be finished in about an hour.”

“See you then.”

“Okay. It must be something important.”

“I’ll let you be the judge of that.”

Johnny’s sense of urgency puzzled Doreen, but her brief soon consumed her. Johnny was anxious to show her the letter. He had shared with her the details of his relationship with Annie, including the mysterious breakup. She knew about his post breakup depression and months of therapy. Surely, the contents of the letter would not threaten her. Yet he didn’t know how she’d react to news that he had a daughter. Doreen was a kind, giving person who had accepted him, warts and all. This news might be a bridge too far.

Doreen’s apartment was only a mile from Johnny’s. They often spent nights together. However, Doreen wanted to have her own space the two weeks before the wedding. Johnny decided to walk. He needed the night air to clear his head. There was a little part of him that wondered if Annie still had a hold on him. The thought evaporated as soon as he walked through the door of Doreen’s apartment. The warmness of her smile melted him. She was the one and knew exactly what he needed. Sensing his anxiety, she poured them both a glass of his favorite Pinot and made a place for him next to her on the sofa. They toasted each other and their love. After placing both their glasses on the coffee table in front of them, Doreen took both Johnny’s hands in hers.

“Okay, what is it you so urgently need to show me?”

Johnny took the letter out of his pocket and handed it to her. He then waited anxiously as she read it. Just the slightest rise of her eyebrow increased his anxiety. When she finished reading and put down the letter, they sat in silence for a minute. It seemed like an eternity to Johnny.

“Well?”

“This letter must have been a shock to you.”

“That’s putting it mildly.”

“I can understand that you’d be bitter after all these years but there’s a silver lining. You have a daughter!”

“How do you feel about having a stepdaughter?”

“Shocked but thrilled.”

“Really?”

“As long as you’re okay sharing her with Annie.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I know your history and how hard you worked to move on.”

“I can manage it as long as you don’t have any problem with it.”

Doreen raised her hand and showed Johnny her engagement ring.

“This means something to me. We’re partners and we can get through anything together.”

A flood of emotion overwhelmed Johnny. He embraced Doreen. He had made the right choice to marry her. They could make this work. Who knows? Maybe Annie and Doreen would become best friends and co-moms.

To his surprise, Doreen suggested inviting Annie to the wedding. She was a bigger person than he could ever be. At first, he thought it was a terrible idea. He regretted the bitter letter he had sent to Annie and doubted she would accept an invitation. However, Doreen convinced him, it would be a nice peace offering. Johnny secretly thought it would be a good reality check for Annie.

The invitation was sent and accepted.

The wedding was a lavish affair at a hotel downtown. Johnny’s friends were shocked to see Annie. Despite her two-year battle with depression, she was as beautiful and personable as ever. None of them knew about her struggles or pregnancy. She avoided mentioning them and only engaged in small talk. After the ceremonies and dinner, Johnny came over to her table and introduced Doreen. The initial awkwardness disappeared when the girls embraced and were soon laughing together. Johnny realized he loved both these girls, but Doreen was his wife. Annie was the mother of his daughter and would always be in their life but that was okay. And it was.