Questions in the Night

Taylor wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck as she moved forward on the walking trail. Her thoughts were flying around in her head, making it a challenge just to put one foot in front of the other. But she kept trudging on, her eyes peeled on the night sky, a vast darkness looming above her. This was her third lap and she still hadn’t seen exactly what she was looking for.

“Please give me a glimmer of hope.” she pleaded with the night. She shook her head to herself, glad no one was around to hear her asking the sky for a favor. How silly she must sound. But desperation, not silliness, is what had driven Taylor out to the walking track to ask the night for a sign. Tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled the conversation from a few hours ago.

“I think it might be time.” the doctor had said.

“Time?” Taylor parroted back, her brain not processing the information clearly.

“Yes. His brain waves have decreased even more over the last two weeks, and unfortunately the chances of recovery are less than three percent at this point, taking his injuries and the length of his coma into account.”

“Less than three percent?” Taylor’s breath flew out of her lungs. “Last month, you said he had a 25% chance of recovery.” she said, her gaze fixed not on the doctor, but on her husband’s still face.

“Nothing was certain.” the doctor replied kindly. “We do our best to correctly set expectations, but we are sometimes wrong. Such is our work.”

After a long pause, Taylor asked, “How long do I have before a decision needs to be made?”

“He can stay here for another week, but if you choose to keep him on life support, you will have to contact a long term care facility and have him moved there. I can give you a list of places in the area if you are interested.” 

Taylor had looked at him wide-eyed, her brain struggling to translate words into cohesive thoughts. She nodded before walking out of the room. Her legs had carried her out to the hospital walking track, craving movement to help process all she had just heard. How could she be looking at the end when their life together had just started?

Taylor had met Brett her senior year of college. He moved to the area for an internship with a local non-profit after his graduation. It wasn’t love at first sight, but they had become good friends. One thing led to another and right before her graduation, they started dating. A year later Brett asked her to marry him under a brilliant night sky. Then, six months after that, they said ‘I do’ in front of friends and family. The stars had been dazzling that night as well.

Taylor had never expected the words from their vows, for better or for worse, would come into play so soon in their life together. She thought they had time, years hopefully, before anything serious would confront them. How wrong she had been.

Driving back from their one year anniversary trip, a drunk driver swerved on the road and hit their car head on. The driver’s side absorbed the force of the impact, making Brett’s injuries catastrophic but hers minimal. While she needed a few stitches, Brett had needed not one, but three surgeries. Initially, the doctors went in to repair several broken bones. Then, a few days later, he had coded and they operated again to mitigate internal bleeding. Finally, he had required one to decrease the fluid pooling around his brain from his head injury. He had never woken up from the last surgery.

Taylor felt like a lifetime had passed since then. At the same time, it felt like it had all happened yesterday. In reality, it had been almost a year since that fateful night. A blaring ambulance brought her out of her memories and back to the present. Her feet continued along the path. She looked toward the hospital. Four laps completed. But her thoughts were no clearer than before.

“A wink, a shimmer, anything?” she asked the night again. “A planet or maybe a constellation?” And just like that, she was back out under the stars with Brett on their first date.

“So, what do you want to eat first?” he had asked, laying out a blanket on the hood of his car.

“How about a hot dog.” Taylor said, giving Brett a shy smile.

“Here you are.” he said, handing her one.

“Do you know a lot about the night sky?” she asked, wondering why they were out here.

“No, but I always feel peaceful under a sky full of stars. I wanted to share that with you.” He squeezed her hand. There weren’t many cheap, yet romantic dates. But in that moment, she felt sure that gas station hot dogs on the hood of a car out under the night sky was definitely one of them. At least she thought so. Over time, star gazing became an actual hobby for them with telescopes and books, planetarium visits and web searches. They raced each other to name constellations or spot planets, stealing kisses in between.

After the accident, Taylor’s love of the night sky faded. The one person she shared it with was unconscious and the memories pained her. Snapping back to reality, she found a bench to sit on. Could she still recall the constellations or find the planets? She took a breath and gazed up at the sky, training her eyes for the Big Dipper first. It took her a few moments, but she was able to find it. After that she searched for Orion. As her eyes landed on the stars making up his belt and shoulders, it seemed like the stars started to jump out of the sky. A meteor shower? Tears leapt to her eyes again as the sky seemed to fall around her, dozens of meteors shooting through the sky, gliding and falling to nothing.

She sat a moment longer before pulling herself back inside the hospital. It was late and she needed to get some sleep. The next week would hold a lot of decision making and rest would be imperative to keep her head on straight. Once back on Brett’s floor, she picked up the list of facilities from the nurses’ station. Then she went to Brett’s room to tell him she was going home for the night. She kissed his forehead and turned toward the door, her eyes brimmed with tears. As she reached for the door handle, she heard a slight noise behind her.

“Tay…” someone croaked, voice groggy with months of disuse.

Taylor spun around and burst into tears.