My Death Letter

*Story may be a trigger for some readers with talking of death and terminal illness*

How do you tell your family you're dying? I mean… They know I've been dying for years. The tumor kept coming back no matter what the doctors tried. But how do I tell them the cancer has spread and I only have days or if I am lucky weeks left to live? I can't even comprehend this myself let alone my family who has to survive it once I am gone. My suffering will end, but they have to live with the fact that they have to outlive their baby girl.

“Dear mom and dad,

I don't know how to tell you this, but.. “

“Mom and dad,

I love you so much, but I'm not going to be here with you much longer.. I am..”

I've started the letter so many times I lost count. They always end up in the same place. Torn and crumpled in the bin beside my desk.

My family is sitting downstairs enjoying a family meal. How am I supposed to go down and pretend everything is ok? I know if I tell them they won't eat and will just give up on their lives. How is it fair to me, though, to have to cope with dying and try to make them feel ok surviving? I haven't even lived out my life and have to come to terms with the fact that this is all it was and all I am. The experiences I missed and the places I never went… I never will. The foods I never got to try- The games I never got to play- The people I never got to meet- I have to leave this world knowing all of the things I will be missing out on. But I have to be strong for my family so that they can be ok when I am gone? How is that fair? I'm scared, too.

“Dear mother and father,

Please know how much I love you and appreciate everything you've done for me. I am sorry you have to go through this, too. But I'm ok…”

BUT I'M NOT OK!! How could I be ok? There is so much left for me to do and I don't even have the time or strength to do it. I am busy signing paperwork about my impending death and trying to put on a smile so my family doesn't know. I'm dying, I really am and I have to go through it alone because nobody could understand what I'm feeling and I couldn't possibly make my family hurt more than they already are. I want to enjoy my last days with them- not watch them break and suffer, too!

“Dear mom and dad,

Please be strong and don't be too sad.”

I sit in my car day after day thinking about what my life could have been and who I would have been if I had more time. Did I accomplish enough? Should I have tried harder? I just sit there and cry into my steering wheel pitying myself and hating the world for my situation. How can I just be gone like that? I am a person.. I have a life.. a family.. I work and I go to school! I do everything I am supposed to do! Why do I deserve this?! Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt someone? Was I a bad person? Why me? I sit there spiraling and wondering what I could have done to make things different. But I wipe my tears and head inside and hug my family like nothing is happening.

“Dear mommy and daddy,

You're going to have to learn to live in a world without me.”

I don't want to die. I want my mom to hold me and my dad to make me steaks for dinner. I want to watch my nieces and nephews grow up. I want to have my own kids. Would the look like me? Would they have my cancer, too? What would they be like? I have so many questions that I just wish I got to know the answers to. It's so unfair.

Maybe my family would cope better if I told them so they had time to prepare? Maybe I would find some comfort from them until it's “my time”? Or maybe it's better I just don't tell them and enjoy what time I have left with them? How can you ask someone to make a decision like this?! I shouldn't even have to think about these things. I haven't even made it to my 30th birthday and it's already almost the end? It doesn't make sense! How could the tumor be shrinking and then two months later have spread into so many more?! Is it some sick joke? I was going to be ok! I was going to survive.. I want to survive, but they say it's not possible anymore. So, do I just give up? Is this really it? I want to be so much more. Why did I even go to school? What was the point in all the work I have done just to die?! I didn't even get to see the world or have a real career!

I have to quit feeling sorry for myself.. this is just how life goes sometimes. I guess… My family needs me to be ok for them. They are the ones that have to keep living once I am gone. At least my suffering will be over… I have to try to give them some sort of closure. I mean, it seems like a lot of pressure to put on a dying person, but there isn't really anything else I can do, right?

“To my mother and father,

Please keep going on even when I am gone. You need to be strong for each other.”

I am literally being asked to make my last decision. Do I want to try the chemo and try to stretch my life a few more months? Or do I just want to stop the medicines that make me so sick and just enjoy the last few days of my life in peace? My last few days… words I did not think I would have to think about yet, but here we are. My last few days…

“Dear mom and dad,

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me and yourselves.. I loved you so much…”