Godless Sinners

Dear Delaney,

You spoke last of an overwhelming urge to run away. Those specific words you wrote struck a chord in me, and reminded me of something. I went to my library and searched for a book, where the word ‘drapetomania’ is used. I then searched up the meaning of the word in my dictionary. It describes the feeling you spoke of to me in your letter. I cannot say that I outright support you running away, though I understand why you want to. To run. Freedom, at last. It’s our life, it’s our turn to make the calls, after all. I understand your frustration, your fear. When I spoke last to Lilith before the run, I asked her, “Why must we leave, why? It’s perfect. All of it.” We knew we had to run, but we were pained to leave the gardens, the sunsets behind the mountains, the waterfalls behind willow trees, cherry blossoms blooming when the snow is still soft to touch. We knew we had to run. I don’t want you to have to carry a lifetime of regret and fear and loss with you, as I do. I can’t say I regret the decision to run itself, as I have so much relief in me now, but I regret you. I regret my life before. I regret not running. I used to think we lived in a utopia. An imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect. But that’s just it – it’s imagined. An imagination like the ones we possess can only carry us so far. If you decide to run, I will always support you and shelter you. You can run to Lilith and me, if that’s what you decide. However I can’t say that I think it would be the better option. Perhaps you find that it’s your only option, in which case I will always support you. Your decisions will always be supported by Lilith and me. However, you must remember that the cold bites back. Apricity – the warmth of the sun in winter – will not last forever as the cold remains once the sun sets.

You mentioned in your letter a longing for answers. Answers, are, sometimes, our most infallible source of information: however, they often conceal a loss. They conceal the loss of mystery; the loss of our imagination; the loss of hope. Is this loss something you’re willing to risk for those answers? Or will you come to regret them? I ask you to consider this before I share anything more with you – whether the answers are from Lilith or from me, they can always be shared with you, though I need you to consider that risk before I share them with you, Delaney. You cannot fathom the pain an answer might give you. Ricard is not a man willing to lose much, so remember that you are his rose; his glittering, shining, incandescent diamond to treasure and parade in front of his colleagues and friends. His inner sanctum. Remember the thorns those hands that pretend to cradle you, that diamond, bear. Remember how they dig into you. Ricard will not lose you without a fight. Remember that. Daemon was the same, and I remember how I bled when I tore the thorns from my side. Lilith can say the same. We all have scars we are desperate to cover, scars we are ashamed of, scars we can’t look at for fear of ghosts that come back to haunt us. Are these scars that you’re willing to bear?

Lilith and I are comfortable, are safe. That is true. If you desire comfort and safety – if you desire rest, then run to find us. We went for a walk yesterday through the forest and when we came back to the cottage – the roof covered in moss, wisteria over the door frame, honeysuckle curling over the fence – we talked of how the relief of losing the pain of hidden secrets was such a comfort in and of itself. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to not have to lie. Lie to friends, to colleagues, to acquaintances, to husbands. It takes a toll. If you wish to be free of that burden, then yes – run to us. Run to us. We will welcome you will open arms, soft smiles on soft lips. Don’t forget that you always have a solution.

You can't forget the relationships you've forged your entire life, that much is true. If people I knew as a young girl knew what a life I was leading, they would call me a Godless sinner. I, however, know better. I also know better than to listen to their opinions and criticisms. Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing, smiling with teeth as sharp as knives. I give you all of this advice as -

Yours, forever faithful,

Esmeray

Dear Esmeray,

I hear your sound advice in your last letter, and I think you are very wise. If that is the advice of someone I was once so close to – in spirit, if not in body – then I fear I must follow it. However, I fear that my own life is at risk if I don’t follow the urge to run. Ricard found a letter you sent me three years ago, before the whirlwind of change came upon us. He was astounded. Apparently, he didn’t know of the nature of our relationship friendship. This was two days ago, a day after I received your letter. Then yesterday, whilst I was at the market for silks to fashion into sleeves, he ransacked my private study. Thankfully, he left my sun room and library untouched. However he pulled up some floorboards and managed to find some of the old letters that I’d hidden. Ones from you and Lilith. I hadn’t ever separated them, which was, looking back, a mistake. Once he learned the truth of Lilith, too, he couldn’t control himself and attacked me when I came home. I now know how painful it must have been for you and Lilith those three months before you both ran. As I write this, dusk is upon us and the sun is setting. By the time dawn breaks, I plan to be long gone from this crystal prison. This mansion of secrets and pain. I run to you, as you instruct me to, remembering the words we first spoke to each other. When a lady spun me around and said to me, “Care to dance to the melody, darling?” and I responded, “Music – a beautiful form a love, isn’t it?” These memories of careless loving come back to me as I hope to find that safety in your and Lilith’s arms once again.

I hope to make it to your delightful, peaceful cottage in the woods in four days’ time. Peace is a funny thing. A thing we always long for, yet rarely find. Something, I think, it is high time us three are able to find. I once thought love was something I was never to find. Yet tonight, I hope to find it once more.

Whilst I fear for my life with Ricard, I think it fair to leave him a note to explain my absence. Even though I don’t need to give him anything, and he certainly doesn’t deserve it. Perhaps it’s for my own peace of mind. To give myself some closure. Even though I know you won’t give me a response before I am with you once again, here is what I will write him, so it will give me a false sense of running it by someone. I plan to write: “I must leave for there is no reason for me to stay. I cannot stay for you, for I simply couldn’t make myself if I wanted to.” I suppose in this way, I am going through a period – hopefully an eternal one – of anagapesis: I no longer feel any affection for Ricard, someone I once loved. Yet, looking back at it from a place of wisdom and superior intellect, I can safely say that what I felt for him was a hope for love, and a love of a friend. Even that has faded. I feel only resentment, fear and anger towards him. Those I love are those who, I hope, I will soon find under the trees in a cottage hidden in a grove in the woods.

There would be no reason for you to respond to this letter, as any response would only be torn open by a ravaging, deranged husband who cannot find his wife. He wouldn’t be able to read it in any case. Once I finish this letter, I will go through my study, sun room and library and find all the letters you, Lilith and I have exchanged over the years. I will tie them up in string and bring them with me, along with necessities and other precious things.

The candle beside me is starting to dwindle, so I will begin to finish my letter to you, my love. In the fear I have faced these past two days, I have seen a flash of the fear you and Lilith faced in May for the following three months. I know that my strength is nothing compared to yours and Lilith’s. Daemon and Kayden obviously had each other to support and destroy you both with. Ricard, so far, has been alone in his anger and betrayal. However, when I asked his butler earlier this evening where he had gone, he said that he had gone out to dinner – which means drinks – with Daemon and Kayden. They will group together, and I will be a singular victim. Another reason I leave tonight, so as to avoid any further pain. I hope to be able to rest with you and Lilith, in a world separated from this one, as I will always be -

Forever yours,

Delaney

Dear Delaney,

After she had finished reading the letter you sent, Esmeray rushed to me and urged me to read it. She was worried, as am I. However, I will not be at the cottage when you arrive tomorrow. I am heading out to the local village for my biweekly shopping trip. I must get ingredients for meals and more materials to make clothes for you – and Esmeray, as she has a habit of getting them destroyed in the ocean – so that you can change out of your travelling clothes and any that you managed to bring with you. Therefore, I am writing you this letter to greet you and welcome you into our humble abode. I cannot wait to see you once I am home, though I must go foraging for mushrooms, as they will be best for both medicines and stews this weekend – I had been planning this trip for a while – under the full moon, so this will be an overnight trip. I cannot wait to feel the warmth of your embrace, once again, though I am sad that the reason I can feel it is because the pain that Esmeray and I faced has come to your doorstep. We did our utmost to protect you, and to ensure you were kept out of the mess we were in. Luckily, neither Kayden nor Daemon read the letters referencing you. I am glad you managed to stay out of the fire for this long, though I am sorry that you have been forced into it after all.

Do you remember when we first met? We were at a ball, and I couldn’t stand to be inside the stifling ballroom so I escaped to the balcony for some air. You came out a while later, and I didn’t hear you. I was lying down on the stone bench, ruining my dress, drawing the constellations out with my finger. I muttered up, into the sky, “Astronomy – the study of a place I cannot be, however much I long to be.” You looked up, and responded, “The stars seem to dance for you.” From then on, you would tease me for being an astrophile, a lover of the stars, and I would laugh, whilst joking that you were no better, with your mélomanie. Your excessive love, obsession, attraction to music. What a pair. What a trio, with Esmeray’s love for the ocean. She, herself, is a thalassophile. What an astounding group we are, shining bright like Orion’s belt. I must say, I was quite taken by you from the moment I heard your voice and jumped up, embarrassed, to meet your subtle, stunning smile. I hope to see that smile on my return to the cottage.

I trust that Esmeray will treat you well, and that you will be able to talk about all the things I know you both need to set out between you two. I hope that we can have more honest conversations upon my arrival, so that we can lead a life that we are all eager to lead, peace in our minds and bodies alike. I know also that the trauma you have faced will take a while to recover from, as it is a difficult weight to bear. I remember, the night before we ran, Esmeray came to find me in the dead of night, and something she said to me that helped convince me, was “These mountains you’re carrying? You were only ever supposed to climb them.” Don’t carry the burden I know you do by yourself, Delaney. When Kayden first found one of the letters from Esmeray, he didn’t fully understand the nature of the letter, or what it was saying. A love letter, of course, one that carried her heart in the looping strokes of her pen on the paper. He was wary of me, for a while, but it was just as I thought that he had forgotten the letter, that he came into the observatory whilst I was alone with Esmeray. He was meant to be out for lunch, but had come back early with a cough. Of course, the state that he found us in was not one that he had ever imagined, or believed that I would ever be in. He ran from the room, the light from outside pouring onto my bare skin, as I stood there, looking after him. Once fully dressed (hurriedly), Esmeray escaped to her house, and I faced Kayden’s wrath alone. Of course, it was by dinner that Esmeray was facing Daemon’s anger, and both of our husbands were joined in a common anger, humiliation and betrayal. I tell you this to explain to you why the pain of the few days that you couldn’t stand, and that you think makes you weak, is in fact a pain that I understand and you are completely justified in feeling. I hope you believe me when I tell you that neither Esmeray nor I would ever inflict that pain on you as I will be -

Yours eternally,

Lilith

Letter to the forest -

Dear Forest,

My name is Delaney. You know me as the light feet picking my way through the undergrowth, singing songs. You know me as the forager who takes care to leave enough berries for the animals inhabiting you. You know me as the reader who will fall asleep under the willow tree in the afternoon sun. You know me as the climber who climbs the strongest and weakest of trees, indiscriminately. I am a woman. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I love two people: Esmeray and Lilith. Our lives have been ones of turmoil and thunder and pain and love and hurt and betrayal. Our lives have been wonderfully, tragically beautiful. We live in you, forest, and we love you. You protect us, so we, in turn, protect you. Our husbands have not been able to find us, so I’m glad that you haven’t been sullied by their presence. Each of us lived a life of fights, of anger and hurt. But now we live a life of love and hope, thanks to your protection and safety. Esmeray was a puppet, controlled by her husband. Lilith was a pawn in her husband’s empire, always used to show his love, his care; how he was human. I was a jewel to be displayed as my husband’s greatest achievement, so he could move up and shoulder his way to the top. We were used and abused but together we found love and hope and managed to escape that world of anger and hurt. We escaped that world to you. We have you to think for our shelter and peace and love and hope and support. We have you to thank for our lives. We have you to thank for bringing each of us together.

Forever your faithful servant,

Delaney