Time is up.

"We have plenty of time."

I don't know how many times we had uttered those 5 words to one another. Running for the school bus in the morning because we decided to have one extra slice of toast, getting a flat tire whilst he was driving me to my very first job interview... holding his hand while he was told he was dying.

Nobody can prepare you for the absolute sadness that consumes you when you are faced with such a bitter reality. We had always thought that we would have plenty time. Tomorrow would always be there to do the shopping that we couldn't be bothered to do today. Next week would always be there to go to the beach when the rain finally let up.

Next year would have always been there for the wedding.

After the diagnosis we began the typical bucket list activities, ticking them off as we went. We quit our jobs and I poured every penny that we had in to making the next 3 months the most fulfilling time of our lives. I didn't know how I would go on without him after anyway; but that was a separate issue.

The days were exhausting and yet I continued to push myself beyond my limits because I owed it to him. For every time that I postponed plans, pushed back a holiday and chose to spend my time with someone else instead... I owed him all of it back. Every single second.

Pushing the gas pedal down to its maximum and blinking the tears away from my eyes I squeezed his hand tighter as if my best intentions could teleport us there instead. The tears were threatening to choke me now as I gasped for the little pockets of air that I could find.

I had honestly never wanted anything more in my life.

I made silent prayers in my head to whoever was above whilst I watched the speedometer increase more and more. Just let us get there. Let me do this one last thing.

Reluctantly, I sneaked a glance at him in the passenger seat. He was a ghostly colour now, like his soul was starting to fade away. His eyes drooped shut as he fought his hardest to keep them open, forcing his lips into a sideways smile that just broke my heart more when I thought there was no more damage to be done. This wasn't how I wanted to remember him. I couldn't feel his warmth anymore, the way it used to spread through my veins when I was around him. Instead, I felt only ice.

As we passed the halfway point of the bucket list, I could feel his heart was no longer in it. At first I thought it was the chemotherapy finally tearing him from me but really it was his mind. He was planning his last request to the smallest detail, so how could I have possibly refused when he came to me with such a perfectly detailed set of instructions for his final moments.

Using my medical head, I had tried to talk him out of it. The extra few days of chemotherapy would give us additional precious days together... but I knew it was no use. The way his eyes lit up as he described it to me was reason enough to go through with it. I missed the way he would glow when he was passionate about something, whether it was convincing the traffic police that I didn't deserve my parking ticket or telling me that I was the most beautiful person he had ever known. He glowed again and it convinced me that, yes, we really did have all the time in the world. That's why I had an indescribable grin painted on my face as he told me about the little spot at the top of the canyon where you could watch the most magnificent sunset.

He had thought of everything. How to get him from his private hospital room without alarming his overbearing parents, how to access a getaway car and where he wanted to spend his final hours with me.

I only had one role in this elaborate, to get him there.

I had done pretty well up until this moment. Yes his parents probably had the police searching for us at this very moment, but we were too far away for them to catch up with us anytime soon. We rented the car with the left over cash that we had and it was big enough that it would get us there, so I hadn't anticipated any problems. However, I had made one fatal mistake - presuming that the idiots who rented it to me would fill it with enough gas.

The car was fighting me, grumbling through its last drops of fuel as we neared our final stop. Almost there, just a little further. My grip on his hand was deathly and would have stopped the blood flow, had there been any. My eyes were stinging from the tears that were still continuing to pour down my face. I was infuriated that I had not considered such a minuscule detail which could shatter the entire plan. I had ruined it all.

I glued my eyes to the road as I willed the car to go that little bit faster, but I could feel him leaving me. It was a strange sensation, but I was suddenly aware that I was now driving alone. I screamed my frustrations at the black sky around me as it threatened to steal the last moments of light from him, trying to warn it off. The sky began to turn and the air inside the car became cooler as my body shook with resentment for myself. I was scared of what I would see in the passenger seat if I stole another glance so I kept my gaze forward, winding down the window to let the bite from the morning air dry out my eyes. I couldn't break now.

He was slipping away, and yet we were so close.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye. To face my life alone. If I clung to him that little bit tighter, would he stay? Maybe the sun would heal him and radiate the life back in to him. Maybe it would bring him back to me.

The sun was beginning to rise now and the warmth began to pour across the whole canyon. I missed the darkness, the way it made me feel secure. It was peaceful. You could really convince yourself that time had literally stopped when the darkness threatened to envelope you at any moment.

But now I could feel the heat reach my face as the sun rose and the sky turned a beautiful peach shade, welcoming its longest friend back to its arms again. Holding it, the way I just wanted to hold him for the final time.

We were so close,

and yet,

we were never going to make it.