Beneath The Bottle

I was talking to Pearl Matthews today when I was  

You know when you walk into a room and can't remember what you went in there to get? That's how I feel.

All. 

The . 

Time.

 I genuinely feel that my brain is trying to sabotage me. Purposely trying to forget what I was doing, or what I was getting, all my thoughts lead back to that one villainy plaguing my life. I think my brain is trying to sabotage me. I say that like I am not in control of my brain, like it is another entity inside of me. A pesky gremlin twisting a few screws loose hoping to cause mischief. I told Sara that. I never felt in control of my thoughts, I never felt in control of my feelings, but I was always in control of my actions.

Until I wasn't.

In our weekly session Pearl said this might be a good exercise for me this month, perhaps it will clear my head and help me “process what I have experienced with a sober mind”. To tell the truth I wouldn't even be going to her if the Army wasn't paying for it. Waste of my time and their money. Jerry and Craig are also doing this challenge so I guess we could all help each other. Well, if this doesnt work then I have this journal to show to her what absolute

Well, that's day one finished, only thirty more to go.

Uh, bye. 

Well, week one is over, I managed to go seven days without touching ‘It’. I realized a while ago that if I write, think or even see  what ‘It’ is I will just get reminded of how miserable I am, so enjoy the cryptic language. This week Pearl suggested that I write down what I want to achieve by quitting the you-know-what. She said it might make it easier if I start trying to” Manifest reasonable goals.” If it sounds like a bunch of kitschy psychoanalytical babble then that makes two of us.( I can't believe I actually spelled that right.) So here is my list of  goals.

Reasons to stop Drinki

My Goals

 Get another job.

Renew my driving license. 

Go back to school

Start playing the cello again.

Travel

Well isn't this, an ugly condemnation of my present existence? I wish I had written this on a computer. I cringe at the childlike quality my handwriting has been reduced to. Ma dropped by today. She gave me a houseplant, it's an ugly spindly thing. But it's the only thing keeping me company these days. Isn't that pathetic?

Bye

P.S. Craig had already caved, he went down to the bar and had to spend the night in the county for God knows what. Probably for being drunk and disorderly…again. I already bet Jerry fifty bucks I can outlast him. Wish me luck. 

I went to the doctors today, and it seems this challenge has spiked my blood pressure. They gave me some benzodiazepines pills and I booked a check up in a few weeks. If I didn't know better I'd think I was succumbing to the sweet embrace of death. I swear there are a thousand little hammers chipping away at my brain. I am always tired but can never sleep. At least I am not having nightmares anymore. The lads from the squad asked me to go to the bar with them. I think the battle between my body and my brain is going on, and my body is winning for now. I can't even get up without feeling like I'm going to drop. I am seeing Pearl this week so I'll ask her what she can I can do to feel better.

Bye

P.S. Jerry is still in the game. He was always as stubborn as a bull.

 I don't know why I am still writing in this blasted book. Nineteen days left.

 Who is this even for?? Why am I even doing any of this? This is just another way for someone else to control my life, I am not a child. Why does everyone treat me like I am? Why am I letting them treat me like a kid? Pearl, the old bag, is trying to make me feel worse so I will keep going to see her at her clinic. That's what all these shrinks are like. Fifteen days left. Jerry saw Sarah with another man, I know you should be surprised at the fickle love of women. You go through a hard time and they run away into the arms of the next man. Pearl asked me about the night that she left and I knew she was blaming me, I could see it in her eyes. I told Sarah (and Pearl) it wasn't me that night, the drink just took over. It didn't matter. No one gets it. All they see is an intoxicated monster.

Bye.

I saw myself in the mirror today. I don't know why I never noticed what I look like now. The reflection staring back at me couldn't have been the same man than the one I remember. I understand why people are treating me like a kid. I look like I need to be taken care of. The dead eyes looking at me can't be my own (I looked up why they are red and I already made a doctor's appointment.)The gaunt face looked almost skeletal. No wonder Sara doesn't want to talk to me. She probably doesn't even want to look at me. I don't want to even look at myself. This challenge I have been reduced to a shell of a human being, I am grateful the pills have been working but nothing can numb this internal torture. Greif. Grief is what I feel. It's like my past self has died, along with all his memories, ambitions, and dreams. The worst part is I am the one who killed him.

Just me, and a bottle. 

Only ten days left.

Bye 

P.S. Jerry dropped out. I found a six pack in his fridge. 

I just revisited the list I made with all the goals I want to achieve, and I just realized what they all have in common. I am the only one of them. In all those goals, in all those dreams, I am doing something, but never with someone. Now, don't get me wrong, it is not bad to have dreams that only involve you, but I realize all my dreams are lonely ones. I have not written about her but I don't think I can stand it anymore. I saw Sara. I was walking to the store and she was there. She didnt notice me though, I will always be grateful for that. They say it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I would like to punch the idiot who made that a saying. To have loved and lost is the most tortuous experience I have ever had, she was completely unaware I was there. She looked peaceful, and happy. With him. I feel like I should feel angry, I should feel betrayed, but I don't. And it's not because I don't love her, but it is because I do.

 That love must stay lost.

Forty-eight hours left.

Bye

Moms house plant she gave me is looking quite healthy now. I noticed it had its first real big leaves appear. I called Mon and she said that it is a Peacock plant. I honestly have no idea how it survived with the amount of neglect it has received. Well, I saw Pearl this afternoon. She read through this mini journal. I apologized for the unsavory thing I wrote about her and she said she has read much worse about her. I never realized how funny Pearl was. For a therapist she is quite the comedian when she wants to be. We talked about Sara. I suppose that was the most painful part of our session. However I told her that I feel strangely at peace. Sara is finally happy. 

I am finally in control of my thoughts, I am finally in control of my feelings. This has proved I can be in control of my actions.

Goodbye