Such an idiot

I was so inside my head, I didn't even notice the popsicle was starting to melt.

"oh, shit!" i said, hoping she doesn't think that this sloppiness happens on a regular basis. I mean, not that it doesn't, it totally does. but clearly I didn't want HER to know about it.

I mean, I'm not sure why I even took the damn thing. I don't even like popsicles, they're too sweet, you need to eat them fast before it all goes down to shit, and the last bite is always a tricky thing.

But I stood there, by the stand, the seller already asking me what I wanted, I had to give some answer. I mean, who stands in line for 7 minutes without even noticing?

Well, me. the answer is me.

Shit, it's been like two minutes since I last spoke. she helped me clean the mess and I didn't even say thank you.

Okay, I can still save this. I can still say something. anything will do. anything is better than this silence. it can't possibly be worse than that. right?

And that's when I said: "popsicles, huh?"

Oh, god. I made it worse. I made it so much worse. what was I thinking? "popsicles, huh"?! such an idiot. I really shouldn't have said anything.

Now she's laughing and calling me an idiot. I'm fucked.

Or, am I? I mean, does she mean an idiot in a way that's like "OMG you're so stupid, I cannot believe I ever agreed to meet with you", or did she mean an idiot as in "it was a bit silly what you just did but it actually made you seem kind of cute and vulnerable"?

The sun is shining so bright it makes my eyes watery. Does she notice that? What if she thinks I’m an idiot that just cries over some popsicle melting? She can’t possibly think that. Can she? That would be absurd. Okay, I gotta emphasize that my eyes are teary because I’m blinded and not because I’m crying. Okay, I’ll just rub my eyes and make a really blinded face.

“Are you okay?” she’s asking.

Why is she asking that? Maybe I rubbed my eyes wrong, maybe my attempt at making a blinded face has failed? Maybe NOW she thinks I was crying. Okay, I gotta play it cool. let’s play it cool. I put on a smile and nodded at her question so she knows that I’m fine. Because I clearly am.

Should I have added something? Maybe I should have explained why my eyes were watery just to make sure that she doesn’t think I was crying? Maybe I should have asked her if she was okay. I really wanted to know if she was.

Never mind, it doesn’t seem like she’s still thinking about that. She just took my yes as a yes, and she knows that I am fine. Why would she take it any differently? If someone says he’s okay, he’s okay. there’s no reason for her to overthink it. If she would overthink it it would be ridiculous of her. I don’t even want to be with a person that would do such a ridiculous thing. If someone says he’s fine, then he’s fine. Overthinking this would be ridiculous. One hundred percent ridiculous.

Alright, she’s talking about her work. How do I react to that? How do I react to that? Alright, I’ll just say that I’m in between jobs. People say that all the time. “I'm in between jobs”. Easy, simple, believable.

Unless, is it? I mean, is it believable? Isn’t it kind of saying “it’s not you, it’s me”? People say it, but everyone knows what it really means. Or maybe it’s different? I mean, it’s not exactly the same as me being in between jobs. That could easily be the case. Easily. And it sort of is. So what if I’ve been in between jobs for a year and a half now? Who determines how long the “between” should be? there’s no clear line really. In between could easily be 18 months. I mean, compared to the amount of time that I’ve been alive, it’s nothing really. A comma, a star in the sky, one grain of sand. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean. So, if she asks, I’ll go with “in between”. “in between” is good. it’s the truth. Sort of. Not really. But close enough.

Okay, she moved on to the next subject. she's asking me how my day went.

Okay, how did my day go? I woke up, changed clothing like a million time, put too much sugar in my coffee, so I spilled it in the sink, it kind of spilled on me as well, and I didn't want to smell like coffee so I had to take a second shower, put on different clothes. wasn’t satisfied with them either. Figured I was never going to be satisfied, so I just went out. forgot to lock the door, went back, locked the door, went down the stairs. Again wasn’t sure whether I locked the door or not. Decided to let it go anyway. went to the park. bumped into this guy, thought about how this guy must think I'm an idiot for bumping into him, then heard the seller asking me what I wanted, then realized I was standing in line for 7 minutes. then noticed she was already there, then I told the seller I wanted a popsicle, then I thought about whether she noticed I didn't mean to stand in line or not, and the next thing I know, the popsicle started melting. that's how my day went.

"umm", I began to answer, and now she's looking at her watch. I got curious myself so I'm looking at the watch now too. God, has it really been 20 minutes? really? 20 minutes in which the only things I said were "oh, shit!" "popsicles, huh?" and "umm"?!

Great. she says she needs to go. Reasonable. Can’t blame the poor thing. I'm such an idiot.