Three People

It was bedtime, and we were only slightly behind schedule. Okay, we were way behind schedule. Who knew that getting a seven-year-old ready for bed would take so long? It didn’t help that I gave in and let Claire watch another episode of Bluey after we’d discussed only watching one. But that TV show was like a drug. I didn’t know what it was, but it sucked you in, and before you realized it, the end credits played, and a half hour of your life was gone. And you still wanted to watch another episode. I think I wanted to watch the next episode just as much as she did.

After we finally reached the bedroom, I knelt on the ground beside Claire’s bed to help fix it to her exact specifications. It needed to be perfect before she could even think about going to sleep. That girl had “stretching bedtime out as long as possible” down to an art form.

She needed her pillows just right. She shuffled them around and punched them down so many times I couldn’t help but laugh. She threw the regular pillow off the bed entirely and only used her giant, squishy stuffed animal in the shape of a round pillow.

Then Claire went on to fix the blankets. The comforter felt too heavy, but the sheet was too light, so she asked if I could get her an extra blanket to sleep with. I wasn’t going to take any chances, so I grabbed two different lap blankets from the family room: her princess blanket and a fuzzy teal blanket. It was a tough choice, but in the end, she chose the princess blanket.

I had never put Claire to bed by myself. I had seen and helped Jackson do it nearly every night for the past two months, but tonight was my first time doing it solo. Jackson didn’t go out much without Claire, but he mentioned wishing he could go to a work conference a couple of hours away, so I offered to pick up Claire from school that day and watch her. I thought I would burst with happiness when he didn’t hesitate to say yes.

Jackson was a single dad and incredibly protective of Claire. Two years ago, he woke up one morning to his wife gone and divorce papers on the counter saying she wanted a bunch of money but didn’t want any custody of Claire. His baby's heart had already been broken once; I didn't blame him for wanting to stop anything else from hurting her.

Jackson and Claire were everything I wanted and more. My niece Maisie was in Claire’s class that year, and they’d become best friends, so I had spent plenty of time with her when she was with Maisie. When Claire introduced me to her dad at Maisie’s birthday party, and I saw how they interacted, I think I fell in love in those first few moments.

I didn’t tell them, of course, especially not Jackson. No one believed in love at first sight. But after two and a half months of dating, I knew it was love. I loved Jackson, and Claire owned a piece of my heart I didn’t think I’d ever get back.

“Did you brush your teeth?” I said.

“Yep.” She smiled big, showing all her teeth.

“Did you go to the bathroom?”

“I’m not a baby,” she said as she rolled her eyes. “I don’t always go before bed.”

“I’m not a baby either, but I always go before bed. But I’m so old that I’ll have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee if I don’t,” I said as I winked at her. That typically didn’t happen, and I’m not old, even if being 33 years old freaked me out a little.

“Ew. That’s so gross,” Claire said. “But yes, I did go.”

“Good. I made sure your night light was on, and the hall light was on. I will be in the family room watching a movie until your dad gets home, so you are good to go. Good night, Bug.”

I stood up and walked toward the door. I shut off the top light and shut the door so it was barely open.

“Wait,” she said before I got two steps away.

“What’s up?” I said as I peeked my head in.

“Can you come in and talk to me for just a second?”

“Bug, it’s time for bed, and it’s already past bedtime.” I looked at her skeptically, unsure if she was wasting time or if she honestly needed to talk to me about something.

“Please? Just for a few minutes? I have two questions I need to ask you.”

I sighed. I’m a sucker and couldn’t say no to this little girl. She could ask for the moon, and I would never stop trying until I got it for her.

“Okay. But not for long.” I left the light off and the door open just a crack, then walked in and knelt next to the bed again, next to Claire’s head.

I stared into her light blue eyes, the same color as her dad’s, and smiled softly. I started running my fingers through her soft, sandy brown hair. We sat silently for a few seconds as I waited for her to ask her questions. She didn’t, so I decided I would start the conversation or I’d end up being there all night.

“What did you want to ask me?”

There was a beat of silence before Claire said, “Where do babies come from?”

My eyes went wide, and I choked on my spit. I didn’t know if I was supposed to tell her the truth or if I should stick to the stork story. I went with the easy out and said, “Has your dad told you anything?”

“Not really,” she said with a shrug. “Plus, he’s a boy. He said it takes a girl and a boy, and they sleep in the same bed; then they have a baby in a few months. Did he get it right?”

“Yeah, he did,” I said as I cleared my throat. “He missed some details, but you can learn about those when you’re older. But I will tell you that just because they sleep in the same bed doesn’t mean they’ll always have a baby. It only happens sometimes. They have to do something special when they’re sleeping in the bed to have a baby. Then, after that, in nine months or so, the mom has a baby.”

“What is the something special they do?”

Oh, crap. Why did I say they did something special? I didn’t think I would be spending the night explaining sex to a seven-year-old little girl.

“Well, in bed, the special thing, it’s like, uh, well, the boy has a thing, and the girl has a thing, but it’s mostly inside and well…” I said as I scratched my forehead, trying to find the right words. “It’s like a dance? Yeah. Like a dance. They do a special dance. And you can ask your dad about it later. But you don’t need to worry about it until you’re at least 30 years old.”

“Fine. But how does the baby get out of the mom’s tummy? Does it burst out of there? Because that is really creepy.”

“Honestly, down by where you pee-” Claire giggled like crazy. “-There is a thing, it’s kind of a hole in your body, and when you are ready to have a baby, the hole gets bigger and bigger and then the mom pushes the baby out of it,” I said awkwardly. I tried my hardest not to use my hands to describe what I was saying. “So, no, the baby doesn’t burst from the belly; it comes out of a hole down there.”

Wow. That was the worst pared-down description of birth ever. First sex, then birth? I just scarred her for life. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jackson never let me watch Claire alone again.

“Huh. Okay. That’s disgusting,” Claire said.

“Yeah, but you don’t need to worry for a long time. Is there anything else you want to talk about?” I said, hoping she’d say no.

Another pause.

“Sometimes I feel lonely. Like I’m so alone, and no one cares about me,” Claire said as tears formed in her eyes, sliding down her cheeks. It broke my heart. “When I’m in bed at night, I just feel it, and I don’t know why, and it won’t go away.”

I moved my hand from her hair and stroked her cheeks, wiping her tears away. My depression was fantastic at making me feel utterly alone, but it wasn’t until college that I started to feel that way. How could that sweet seven-year-old already feel that way? I knew how much her dad loved her; I saw it daily. Her distraught expression and my own experience made my eyes well, and a lump the size of a watermelon appeared in my throat. I tried to swallow it down, but it wasn’t going anywhere.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s not a fun feeling,” I said as I tried to clear my throat of the lump again. “Sometimes I feel lonely too.”

“You do?” Claire said as she sniffed.

“Yeah, I do. And I know it’s hard to feel happy when you feel lonely. But do you want to know what helps me feel less alone when I start feeling that way?”

“What?” she said.

“I name three people who love me,” I said. “And even if it's just three people, it reminds me that I’m not alone, that I have people who care about me, people who will love me no matter what.”

“I guess that makes sense,” she said as a tear slipped down her nose onto her pillow.

“Okay, let’s start. Name three people who love you.”

“Um. My dad loves me. And I know my grandma and grandpa love me too.”

“Boom. Done. Three people. And I know they love you more than anything in the entire world. So, at night or whenever you ever feel lonely, remember to think of three people who love you. After that, you might as well think of three more people, then three more after that, and you will see that you are truly not alone,” I said as I smiled affectionately at her. “Do you think you can name three more?”

“Maybe,” she said quietly. “Maisie says she loves me because that’s what best friends do. My Uncle Ryan loves me, and so does my Aunt Sara and my other uncles and aunts. And I guess all my cousins. And I have a lot of cousins.”

“See, you’re not alone, my beautiful Bug. You have a ton of people who love and care about you.”

“Then why doesn’t my mom love me anymore?” Claire’s whole body shook as she let out a heartbreaking sob.

It all started to make sense.

I hated that woman. We didn’t talk a lot about her or their marriage. Jackson didn’t keep anything from me; I didn’t want to know the details. But the things we did talk about made it clear there were issues from the start. Those stories made me want to find her just so I could punch her in the face. And I wasn’t even a violent person.

But leaving a five-year-old Claire behind without saying goodbye? That was beyond despicable. No child should be abandoned by a parent or guardian, making them feel less than and unloved. Oh yes, I hated her. But at that moment, it wasn’t about me and how I felt. That moment was about Claire and bringing her any comfort I could.

It was a single bed, but I didn’t care. I scooted Claire over so that I could fit, then laid down on my side next to her so we faced each other. I hugged her tight and rubbed her back until her sobs slowed into little hiccups. I kept her close as I tipped her head back and looked her in the eyes.

“I don’t know why your mom did what she did, but I’m sure she loves you in her own way. Sometimes, grownups just aren’t good at taking care of their kids. They still love them, but they’re just bad at it. Your mom knew she wasn’t the best at taking care of you, but she knew your dad was,” I said as I squeezed her tight. “She might not have done it in the best way, but it showed she must have loved you when she did what was best for you and left you with your dad because she knew your dad would take care of you no matter what.”

I hoped my explanation made her feel a little better. Maybe it was a lie; maybe it was the truth. I had no idea. I also had no idea why I was saving face for a woman I had zero respect for. But as I said, that moment was about Claire, not me or her. When Claire got older, she could form her own opinions about her mother. But I wouldn’t make Claire feel any less than she already did.

“I’m sorry that happened to you, Bug. I can’t imagine how that feels. But I can tell you that your dad loves you more than anything, to the moon and back infinity times. You are smart, kind, funny, beautiful, caring, plus a thousand more things that make you amazing,” I said as I smiled warmly at her. “So, remember to name three people who love you, and you will realize you are not alone. You have so many people who care about you. And I know your dad should be at the top of your list every time because he loves you so ridiculously much.”

“Do you love me?” she said as she sniffled.

I don’t know why, but I was surprised by her question. It took me less than a second to respond. I grinned as I said, “Yes, my sweet, little Bug, I love you. So much.”

“Then I’ll move you to number two on my list,” she said as she grinned back at me, tears nearly gone.

That made my eyes tear up again, threatening to spill over. I had finally gotten rid of the giant watermelon of emotion in my throat, but Claire’s words brought it back, but at least it was in a positive way this time.

“I love you too, you know,” Claire said; her smile turned shy. “And I know my dad does, too.”

I chuckled a little. I didn’t want to talk about that with her. I hoped Jackson loved me, but the most we’d ever said was that we “cared” for each other.

“Try and sleep now,” I said as I moved to get out of bed. Claire didn’t let go of me and kept me in place.

“Can you please stay? For just a little longer?” she said.

“Yes, but only for a few minutes. And you have to try and sleep. It really is way past bedtime, and you still have school in the morning. Deal?”

“Deal.”

I almost felt like Claire as I tried to get comfortable on her bed. I knew it would only be for a few minutes, but I didn’t want to get sore from lying in a weird position. I grabbed the extra blanket and pillow from the foot of the bed, then moved so I laid on my back, Claire burrowing into my side. I moved the pillow around until it was in a good enough position so I wouldn’t get a crick in my neck. Then I hugged her close and started scratching her back.

“I love you,” Claire said softly.

“I love you too, Claire,” I said back and kissed the top of her head.

It had barely been more than a few minutes when I felt her body slacken and her breath even out as she fell asleep. I decided to let the tears fall that I’d been holding back while she was awake. I cried for the pain and sadness her mother had inflicted upon her when she left. I cried for the loneliness she felt because of that. But then I cried for the way Claire accepted me into her life and how happy she had been not just to receive my love but to give me hers in return.

I loved that sweet girl. I didn’t want to let Claire go. I wanted to hold onto her all day and all night so she knew how much I loved her. I should have gotten out of bed when she fell asleep, but I felt too comfortable, even if I shared the twin bed with her.

I hugged Claire tighter and kissed the top of her head again. As my eyes started to close, I told myself I would only stay there for a few more minutes; then, it really would be time to get out of bed.