My Brothers' Whispers in My Ear

The noise trains make is unsettling. Still, it is better than flying, and less expensive. I’ve been on trains before, but never for a long trip, until now. I’ll get where I’m going eventually, and if it takes a long adventure, then so be it. I do like adventures. 

The reflection in the window looks like a young man, but he does not look like me. I am not this tired, messy-haired, scraggly looking man; I can’t be. There’s nothing keeping me back there, except the voice in my head that makes me want to scream and jump off this fast-moving train to run back home. Home. I have to stop calling it that; this is what I want. I know it is. This is all I’ve wanted for so long now, so why do I feel this wave of guilt? 

I wasn’t always like this. A half man staring at my reflection and wondering who the other half is. He is the half that tells me “you can’t run forever”. The voice comes from an image that looks like it could be me, but sounds like my brother, Marcus. He never had the guts to leave like he wanted to before, now he can’t. He could, but it would make him a deadbeat dad. He is staying with his new family, like he should, but where did that leave me? It left me alone. 

I wonder how long it will take them all to realize I’m not there. Four, maybe five days, maybe longer than that. It’s not my problem anymore, I’m going somewhere new, and hopefully better. I’ve got plenty of money saved up and a few fresh outfits to get me through the next few weeks. I’m not running, I’m chasing. 

The train comes to a screeching stop and I grab my bag to walk out that door and into my new life. It’s funny, the station looks a lot like my old life, but once I get outside I know everything will be different. I didn’t sit on that train for ten hours just for things to be the same. Shut up Marcus, you don’t control my thoughts, I do. I do. I do. 

There’s something about running that I like. It’s nice to feel the breeze in my hair and on my face, knowing that with every step and leap off the ground I am improving myself and pushing further and further forward. Not backwards, forwards. 

When I arrived in the city just a few months ago, I knew it was not the right place for me. As soon as I walked up the stairs and out of that station, it reminded me too much of home. So, I rented a bike, looked up some towns close by and took a chance with a small town called Heathsville. I’m glad I took that chance. Now I have so much, an apartment, a beta fish named Hipster, a job, and I’m doing great. I’m not running away from anything anymore, if Marcus could see me now. 

He called at first, and then less, and now he doesn’t call at all. I blocked a lot of numbers to avoid feeling the pain of their names glowing on the phone screen, knowing I promised myself I wouldn’t answer, but I couldn’t bring myself to block Marcus, my own brother. I do miss him, but not enough to go and see him, not ever again. They don’t understand, they never have, so I’m sure leaving did not suddenly change that. 

Still, the reflection is of half a man. A man I hardly recognize. How did it all go so wrong? How did I make the worst possible decision every time? I am different here. I’m finally free to be myself. The person I’ve longed to be is just around the corner, I can feel it. I’ve been chasing him for so long now that I’ve given up everything. Everyone. 

The thoughts I have while running are sometimes good, sometimes bad. The adrenaline that some call ‘runner's high’ is helpful. It helps me to forget about thinking for a little while. With every step I push and move forward. I push through the cramp in my gut and the sweat that soaks my hair. I push through the memories of the brother and nephew I left behind. The memories of a young man who died as soon as he stepped onto that train. Then, I stop. I place my hands on my knees and bend over in exhaustion. I breathe and sweat. 

A horn honks at me. These back roads don’t usually have many cars on them. It is easy for a person to become distracted, to think no one else is around. This is the perfect road for someone to lose control of their vehicle while going around one of the turns too quickly. To leave a young man lying in the grass next to an open meadow with fresh flowers blooming. All sorts of colors flash in my eyes. Orange, pink, bright white, and yellow. The yellow is the most memorable of the colors I saw, before it all went black. 

I wake up to the bright light shining in my eyes, making it hard to open them and see what else might be around me. For a moment I believe I am in heaven and the pain is finally over, but then I turn my head to see the other half of the room, and appear the scraggly face of a grown man. His hand presses on his temple, a sign of stress and worry. Shoot. I’m in a hospital. I didn’t die, and to top it off, Marcus found me. The only contact I had saved in my phone that had recently shown up in my call and text records was his, so it makes sense they would call him, but why did they have to call him. 

“You can’t run forever, Levi” 

There’s those words again. The ones that ring in my ears so often. The words that made me see his reflection when staring at my own face in the mirror, the words he has held over me for a majority of my life. 

“You shouldn’t have come, Marcus. You should go” he runs his hands through his hair, almost in disbelief. 

“I drove twelve hours to get here, leaving my family and work behind, put my life on hold to come and make sure you’re okay, and you want me to leave. You really are something. Mom and dad were right about you Levi, you could have been a track star with how much you love to run” 

I suddenly realize how much my body aches. My head hurts from seeing something other than blackness for who knows how long, my arm is wrapped in a cast, presumably broken, and my body just plain hurts. 

“Look where it got you. They said you were out on a run when you got hit. Look where running got you” 

“You came to make sure I’m okay. I am okay. I’m better than okay. I’m making a life for myself here. One where I can live in peace, and have a betta fish, and run through the colorful meadows and maybe get hit by a car, but heal from it. You want to know why I love to run so much? I love it so much because even though it hurts sometimes, sometimes I have to stop and catch my breath, and sometimes I get hit by cars, I can do it completely on my own. I don’t need special equipment. I don’t need a partner or group or even a track to bear the weight of my feet. I can run anywhere. Anytime. Alone.” Marcus’ expression does not change. He stands up from the plastic-y seat and takes a deep breath before walking out of the room. 

I haven’t heard from him since that day. He hasn’t texted or called, but his number is not blocked, I don’t think it ever will be. My arm is healing up nicely. It took longer packing up my things than it would have been with my usual two arms. I don’t have much though. All I had was some clothes and basic things for my apartment; a few pieces of furniture and utensils, and Hipster. I got her a nice travel bowl to swim around in while we get on the road. Oh right, I bought a truck. It put me into some debt, but it’s the only way I could leave and bring my things along with me, and I couldn’t just abandon Hipster, it would make me a bad friend, or father?  

I couldn’t stay now that Marcus knew where to find me. Leaving was the best option. I wasn’t in Heathsville long enough to make any lasting connections, so leaving this town will be much easier. Hipster and I can make it on our own. I looked at some nice towns within a few hours of here and found one called Hillsher. From the photos, it looks like a peaceful small town, which is just what I am looking for. 

I took my cast off early. It was getting in the way of my plans and my arm feels a lot better anyway. They never caught the hit and run driver. I told them not to worry about it. Everyone makes mistakes, I know I have, so whoever hit me and left me to die in the colorful grass can keep living their life without my interference. I won’t be around any longer anyways. I’m gone. I wonder if there will be a good spot to run in Hillsher. I’m sure there will be since there’s a lot of open land, at least I think there is. It looks like that from the photos. First, I have to find an apartment. 

The reflection is not my brother anymore, or a half man. Instead, it is a new man. A man who goes where he wants, when he wants, and doesn’t have to tell anyone. Finally, I’m getting what I’ve always wanted. 

These turns are pretty sharp I’ll admit. It’s no wonder that person lost control. My steering wheel locks up and I swerve out of control. I try to unjam it but the truck is not exactly new. I bought it at a steal with the little money I had left and still went into some debt. It’s making me swerve all over the road. I’m completely out of control. 

I look over at Hipster, not knowing what else to do except wait until I crash into something. My eyes shift between the fence surrounding the meadow and Hipster splashing around in her bowl. As I look back towards the meadow, I see a man running around the corner, he stops and rests his hands on his knees. I hear a sound under my truck while keeping my eyes closed. I can’t bear to know what happened next. I was just about to drive into my dream life and there is no way I am going to lose it over some old, messed up truck. I have no choice but to drive away. I count to three before opening my eyes.

I stand in a meadow. The colors are orange, pink, bright white and yellow. The yellow and white shine the brightest to me. They grow brighter, and brighter, until they are all I see. They are all I feel. The bright light is now the peace I was searching for all my life. I don’t have to run anymore.