Eggshells

**Author's note** This story contains the death of a child and suicide.

Words cannot put Humpty Dumpty back together again and neither can superglue.Even if every puzzle piece of shattered eggshell was perfectly placed back to its correct spot, the cracks would remain visible, and even if by chance the cracks were no longer visible, Humpty Dumpty would not be structurally sound. The glued bits make him weaker, susceptible to breaking all over again, although my wife and I have not even attempted to put him back together; we haven’t sought reunification, which has me walking on eggshells.

After the accident, my efforts to console her failed. She pushed me away. My apologies fell on deaf ears. She told me that if “I’m sorry” didn’t bring our daughter back, then, she didn’t want to hear it. I tried to reverse time. I demanded that God take me instead, but nothing worked. Marissa carries a noose around her neck. Grief is for her alone to feel; she was wronged, so I hide my emotions.I suppress my suffocation. I retreat to the guest bedroom and let my pillow feel my tears. Our bedroom door remains closed with her in it. Occasionally, I find her in the kitchen eating just enough to…live, if you can call it that. Her bones are prominent now, and I wonder if she is even surviving.

We haunt the same house, but we live separate lives. We are empty shells with no gunpowder. There’s a cavern between us as we silently exist. I want her to yell. After all, the fault lies in me. Hell, I wish she’d pummel my chest, and then, I could wrap my arms around her.Maybe we could finally grieve together.

The pool was my idea. The reasons I gave my wife were twofold. First, the public pool was always crowded, especially when the weather was ninety degrees.Second, I promised Marissa, we could enjoy some “alone pool time” after we put Sarah to bed. A bonus reason being all the pool parties we could throw for our envious friends. A sturdy, locked gate would keep Sarah safe. The handle was out of her reach as well, and she would never be outside alone.We always kept a watchful eye on Sarah, but even perfect parents can make fateful mistakes. A few days before the accident, I had gone out to clean the pool.I got distracted and forgot to lock and properly close the gate.

The day of the accident, Sarah and I were playing with her dolls in the living room. Marissa was working her cooking magic in the kitchen; dinner smelled delicious. Suddenly, there was a CRASH. Marissa yelped, and I went running. After assessing the situation, we realized Marissa only had a small burn on her finger. Unfortunately, I was gone just long enough to lose Sarah.I returned to the living room and couldn’t find her. Thinking she went upstairs, I headed up. A blood curdling scream sent me flying back down the stairs to find my wife holding our blue and lifeless baby. When EMS arrived, it was too late; our baby was DOA.

Initially, we had planned to destroy the pool. Nobody dared to set foot in it again, but demolishing it was a chore. The effort was too great. As far as we were concerned, the backyard no longer existed. The grass that surrounded the pool became a jungle. We drew the blinds and it was out of sight and out of mind.That was until tonight. As I tossed and turned for a countless time, the feeling hit me suddenly. I was already drowning. Shouldn’t I drown for good? Poetic justice has come to fruition. I don’t expect God to welcome me into his arms either. How could he? I let His precious gift drown. No, there’ll be no pearly gates for me, but any hell is better than the one I’m in currently.

The stars dotted the sky as I stumbled out the door. I may have downed a few pills with some liquid courage. I stared down at the green and algae ridden water. After a month of no maintenance, I can’t say that I was surprised.Marissa was tucked into bed, or I assumed anyway. There was nothing elaborate about my plan. At least the dumbbells were getting another use. I never excelled at science, so I had to guess. The bar on the weights made it easier to tie one to each of my arms and legs. Unlike, Sara’s pink, puffy floaties, which were meant to prevent death, mine were reverse, throwing me into darkness. I took one last breath and emptied all the air from my lungs. I closed my eyes and pencil jumped down into the eight foot abyss.I barely made a splash. The water was colder than I anticipated, but I hadn’t really given it much thought. The weights had done the trick. I sat crossed legged at the bottom. Swimming was a passion of mine in high school, so I coped well for a solid minute.Then, the burning in my lungs began.I knew there were more peaceful ways to die. I knew I wasn’t going to drift off to sleep, but God, I wanted to scream. My body began writhing. Do I give in? Should I inhale the water? My mind told me yes, but my body wanted to fight.

Just as I succumbed and inhaled the murky water, I felt movement. Marissa’s soft hands were grasping at the rope on the weights. I shook my head. My mind screamed at her to let me die. She failed to acquiesce. The weight on my left arm came free, but the others were stuck. Marissa is a petite thing, and yet, somehow, she turned into Superwoman. She grabbed a hold of me and pushed off the bottom with her feet. I slipped. She tried again. That’s all I can remember. To this day, I don’t know how she managed to get me out of the water. When I regained consciousness, I was laying on my side on the deck coughing up water. Marissa was crouched beside me, tapping my back.

“You idiot! What were you thinking?” She yelled.

“I…I wasn’t.” I choked out.

“You can’t do that to me!I need you!” She cried.

I sat up and looked her in the eyes. “You do?”

“Yes!”

“I thought you despised me.” I said.

“No, I could never despise the man that I love.”

“You certainly treated me like you did.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I was angry, and I’ll admit I blamed you at first, but then I realized that I’m to blame.If I hadn’t burned myself then you wouldn’t have left Sarah.” She said.

“No. No. No. I take all the blame. You should have let me drown. I deserved to die!” I said.

“Stop! Enough! You think I haven’t thought about ending it all too? She responded.

“You did?” I shuttered. I couldn’t fathom Marissa committing suicide, let alone fathom that she had considered it. She was right. I was an idiot. How could I have done that to her?

“Yes, but you know what I’ve learned?”

“What?”

“Death is not the answer.”

“Then what is it, Marissa, because frankly, I’m getting very tired of living this way.” I said.

“It’s life. We both need to fight for it. Okay?”

“Okay, and I know saying I’m sorry won’t change anything, but I’m so very sorry my love. I’m sorry for Sarah’s death and I’m sorry I was weak. I will be eternally sorry. Will you forgive me?” Tears poured from my eyes and Marissa wrapped me in her arms.

“I will if you forgive me.”

“Deal. By the way, how did you find me? I thought you were asleep.”

“I must have been half-asleep and half-awake because I could have sworn I heard our daughter. She was saying daddy over and over again. There was just something about it that made me run to the guest room. When I couldn’t find you, I just knew.”

I was speechless, and from that day forward, I knew that we would be fighting together, sans eggshells.