Borrowed Time

“We gotta stop getting fast food, It’s killing us,” Joe said as he opened packages of barbecue sauce and honey mustard. 

I looked at him and then the sauce packets with a pause to highlight the irony. 

“It doesn’t seem like it’s killing you.” 

“Well yeah,” he agreed, “these things take time. Persistence, dedication, and hardwork. A few more years of coming here every week, no, everyday, and we’ll get there buddy don’t worry.” He let out a little chuckle and dipped his burger in the honey mustard.

“Yes, good things do take time don’t they,” I replied as I started unwrapping my own burger.

We took a few moments to do some damage to our food before something started to weigh on me once again. I was worried about Joe and I had been for a long time. Not because of the fast food, but because he had a mask on. He was always putting up an act. In high school, college, and then at our job, he was the funny guy. He always avoided the conversations about religion, politics, and most importantly death. With his brother now there was no more avoiding it. I needed to take action 

“The real question is, what’s a good use of our time,” I began. “ I've often wondered that, and often, I’m left with no answer. I mean, isn’t it pretty impossible to answer? We would have to define what good even means in the first place, and we all have different opinions on that dont we? Regardless, we should all be able to answer that question. All of us.”

Joe, while chewing on his burger, looked up at me across the musty booth. 

“We can talk about normal things too for once…you know?” 

He picked up his extra large diet Coke, gave it a little shake, and took a sip before finishing his thoughts.

“It’s just like.. I get it, you know? I get it. Life is deep, and I agree, I really do, but c’mon man. We go to lunch everyday and everyday I feel like you drop philosophical bombs on me. Lighten up a little bit buddy, lighten up.”

Admittedly, his response dug into my skin. I rarely brought these things up but it made him so uncomfortable when I did that he always resorted to that argument. He was always trying to cruise through life without touching the things that really mattered. And at this point in his life, he doubled down on that trend. 

“Joe, you c’mon. How can you be so satisfied with just talking about the Bulls record or some other celebrity bullshit. I get it once in a while, hell, I get it if we talk about that stuff most of the time but give me something here, my brain needs real stimulating conversation.

He took another bite of his burger before answering me. 

“First of all..” he started before taking a few more chews, “Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz breaking up is not bullshit. Didn’t you say one of your favorite movies was 21 Jump Street? I know for a fact you liked her in the new Batman so I don’t even have to go there.”

He laughed and I held back a smirk. He was right, but that's besides the point. 

“Ahh shit Joe. Alright I'm done, I'm done.”

A few moments went by as we continued to eat. If he didn’t want to face the hard and important things, I had to for him. I didn’t care if he was uncomfortable. 

 “I do have to ask you though, how’s your brother doing? I can only imagine how hard the diagnosis is on him.” 

Joe took another sip from his diet Coke as if I didn’t throw him off, but I could see through the act. Subtly, if you're invested enough, you can always see through the act. 

“You know how it is. He doesn’t have much time. They said within 6 months… a year if he’s lucky. He can move around and all that, especially since he refused the chemo. He’s gonna travel the world, he says, starting with Belfast. He wants to see where they filmed Game of Thrones. I support him.”

I took a moment to pay attention to Joe’s body language. He was unsatisfied, uneasy about what was to come. 

“Why does he want to refuse the chemo again?”

I knew the answer, I had talked with his brother about it, but I wanted Joe to think about it. To Really think about it. No more putting off the hard questions.

“I tried to convince him but he wouldn’t budge. He kept mentioning what it did to our grandpa and dad, he said it’s worse than dying of cancer. I think it’s selfish personally. Give yourself a chance for your family, your friends, your future… still wouldn’t budge. What gives me some peace is that he’s content. He told me, ‘We all go anyway Joe, we are all living on borrowed time. It’ll be a shame to try and extend it just for the sake of having more. I'd rather be grateful and enjoy what I’ve been given.’ …and I agree with him, I suppose.”

I felt compelled to comfort him at this point and awkwardly reached across the table to put my hand on his shoulder.

“I agree with him too.”

His eyes looked back and told me that he had gained more peace in that moment. He was finally breaking down some of those walls and facing life. After I took my hand off his shoulder we finished what we had left of our food and sat in silence. I knew we had to head back to the office soon but I waited until he picked up his phone to check the clock.

“Shit, we gotta get back, we don't got much time” He told me as he shuffled around to put his computer and papers back into his bag. 

“No we don’t Joe, none of us do.”

He stopped and looked at me with a smile. I could tell that had gotten through to him.