Whom?

“To whom it may concern.”

I had to admit I hadn’t expected such an abrupt beginning to a typical Monday, but then things have been going downhill since the meteor predicted to hit the coast missed us entirely, and ended up hitting the former Soviet Union, nearly causing WWIII. 

Something about the unforeseen that because of its distractive tendency places abnormally awkward images in your mind. I once had a dream about the first chimpanzee sent into space. I remember it like it was yesterday, and yet it was over sixty years ago, and I’m only thirty-nine. 

I had to read it again thinking it was put in my mailbox by mistake. But then how is that even possible? I suppose that someone with the lack of concentration and large fingers could have inadvertently hit the wrong key, but then perhaps it was meant to be a teaser. There are those around here who don’t think life on its own is exciting enough, and feel the need to compliment it with triviality designed to over-ride my chimpanzee dream. I should have never relayed that story to the new dream analysist they hired to retain employees despite their lack of interest in bettering themselves on behalf of the department.

You know how once a seed is planted, you don’t know if it will sprout, or if it won’t. But, in the time allotted you begin to ruminate on the possibility of what the seed is. “To whom it may concern,” five little innocuous words that when put in proximity to one another, begin to eat at the tenure of your position, as well as the prognosis of ones persona, which causes one to look at themselves and attempt to rearrange the perception others have of you.

The word concern has no particular meaning, in that everyone is concerned about something. But given the context of the message and where it surfaced, has added significance to its effectiveness. Deep concern, marginal concern, concern that can easily be exchanged for doubt? 

When you place everything in perspective it does not necessarily clarify the situation. Often times it heightens the intensity as it doesn’t allow for exclusion. Perhaps it was a mistake. One of those blasts from someone having a bad day and then recognizing the harm they may cause half way through the process, and they decide to quit while ahead. But perhaps not.

If the intent is to disrupt the routine, make us sit up and take notice, it has worked. I know I will never be able to relay so much as a recipe to that woman again without wondering what her ulterior motive might be. I had always thought there was a code of some kind that kept them from divulging your statements. I thought it was something like client lawyer privilege. I had no idea she was only a receptionist, not a psychologist. Shouldn’t they have to say something, not just let you imply by the way they dress they are more than they are? A picture with a diploma in plain view would be sufficient. When someone’s name is Jay, wouldn’t you think they were a man, or at least a male.

Before I jump to conclusions I should see if there isn’t a similar message on other computers, not just mine. It may just have been one of those blanket mail things where everyone gets something when it was intended for a specific someone. I’m sure that specific someone knows what this is all about, but is afraid to come out and apologize for the one who sent it. I can understand that. I’ve apologized a time or two, maybe three, when the person I was apologizing to didn’t have a clue as to what I was talking about, and I hadn’t even started talking. Times like that are most embarrassing.

I at first thought the message was meant for me. Something about the way the letters seemed to blend together made me think of ice cream and one hundred-and-thirty-degree temperatures. It was probably that time I stopped in Redding to buy a frosty freeze and it melted before I got back to the car. Life if like that sometimes, drippy.

Then I realized there was no way they could have known about Redding; I was alone and never mentioned it to anyone, I don't think. I must have been more cautious back then. Think it had something to do with the way I was raised.

We were taught to look for the worst, as it was easier to accept when things didn’t work out, or didn’t meet the criteria we’d imagined to describe bad, awful, or cruel. We had a list of words like that for bad to worse. I had carved them on my closet door as a way to remember. Not that I could ever forget words like impending or contagious.

I’ve begun to think I may be becoming paranoid. I not only look for the worst in every outcome, but have begun to believe that my guardian angel has crossed over to the dark side. My priest says it is all in my head, but he tells me to say the Act of Contrition and try to think of good things like potato chips and alter wine. 

I’ve tried, but there are never any clues as to what the good things might be that day in a particular circumstance. I look in magazines and billboards for inspiration, but nothing happens. I just stare at the pictures until I get a head ache, and then have to lie down.

I am pretty sure that whoever put those words on my computer knows more about me than I know about myself. They seem to know just what to say to get my mind to reeling, as if it were a gyroscope looking for a place to stop. 

I’ve felt this way before, but not since I started taking the medication for my pituitary issues. I don’t know what a pituitary is even for, but I take the meds so they’ll leave me alone. 

“To whom it may concern.” I think I saw those words once on an eviction notice, or an ad for some frosted cereal. It might just be a joke. I don’t see how, but then I don’t really have much of a sense of humor. I think it has something to do with my pituitary, but can’t be sure.

I just realized I’ve made a terrible mistake. This isn’t even my desk. I decided I’d better check my computer to see if there were any messages on it. There was one. I didn’t know if I should open it or not. I thought about deleting it, but then I know how I get when I begin to wonder what it may have said. The thoughts creep into your mind like a no-see-um, and just stays there, like they belong. 

I opened it, and it wasn’t at all what I expected. It just said, “Never mind, I forgot what I was going to tell you about, Whom.”

Now I have to spend the rest of the night wondering what that means. How could anyone be so inconsiderate as to forget what they were going to tell me. It’s going to be a long night and I forgot my magazine on the bus, and there isn’t a billboard in sight. 

My mother was right. “Always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed.” Or was it “you’ll never be disappointed if you expect the worst.” It’s going to be a long night, and there is a thirty percent chance of rain. Maybe it will snow instead. That would be different.

I should write that down so I don’t forget. “To whom it may concern.” Has a nice nebulous ring to it. I wonder what it might mean to others? It could mean it is going to snow. After all, it is September.