Finding myself

My eyes were closed. Total darkness physically and metaphorically. Thoughts were getting ahead of me, what can be said about this: anxiety, stress, depression. These words don’t envelope the emotions that I was going through right now. Sitting on the bench, the noises in the park don’t touch my ears until…

Thud! A ball hit on my forehead, shaking me back to reality. 

“Sorry for that! Ahm…Ahm…It was unintentional,” a small boy came running towards me.

I couldn’t reply to him, as if my vocal cords all of a sudden did not know how to produce any sound.

The boy stood for a moment, or it seemed like it, before picking up the ball and running back towards his friends. His friends started giggling as the boy approached them. Soon did I realize to look for my son, but he was nowhere to be seen. My eyes started moving around in a fit of confusion, ready to lift myself and start looking for him. Suddenly, I heard his voice from the far right corner, Sam was playing on the sand, his both hands digging and shaping something alone. He seems to have no friends, all alone, being happy and content in his world. Sometimes, I just see myself in him.

At that moment, I heard someone speak and turned my head to look at the old woman standing in front of me. 

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid, I didn’t understand you,” I said.

She repeated herself in some foreign language, her finger raised to the bench.

“Ya..yeah, you can sit here,” I just guessed. 

I have seen her many times in the park, always taking a walk, watching the children play, and taking in the sunlight as she strolled through.

She sat with tremendous effort, twisting her body with so much effort, which at one time would have been so effortless. Thinking about it, isn’t this the irony of life, one time you feel you are at the top of the world, reckless, energetic, selfish not realizing that someday you had taken everything for granted?

That’s what I did, little did I realize that my days are short numbered, when I got the results back from the hospital in the morning, changing my life.

What did I do to face such a situation in my life? Who is going to take care of my son now, when I’m gone?



My head was down looking at my feet, deep down in my thoughts, when I again heard the woman speak. This time, I could see the wrinkles under her eyes. But her bright eyes radiated warmth and kindness.

She asked something, I could see her lips moving as her hands made some gestures in the air.

She was telling me something or asking me about something, her hands making gestures in the air. The language barrier seemed to have no hindrance while communicating with her.

I came to know, she moved back to this neighbourhood a year after her husband died. Although she doesn’t feel lonely, she doesn’t seem to have some purpose in life. She visits the nearby foster home, taking care of the children there. It felt like, her gestures and communication opened a portal to her soul, willingly sharing a part of her with me.

***

I saw her again the next day, strolling through the park, talking to everyone in her language, no one wanted to talk to her. She looked lonely, deep down I could see her sadness in those eyes.

She was saying some or other thing, while my mind was stuck somewhere. Little did I realize suddenly she became silent and gently touched my hand. I looked at her, maybe those eyes could see my sadness too.

“His mom left us when he was born, leaving the two of us loving, and caring for each other. He never asked about his mother, it’s not that I won’t say about her. But he knows that it makes me sad,” I paused and looked at Sam now, who was running around in circles, “What has he done to go through such agony and pain from such a tender age? The doctors say surgery is the only option for a cure. I don’t see any hope in it. I can’t imagine, him being taken to some foster care after I’m gone.”



I blurted out everything, as though the words were struggling to get out. The woman kept looking at me, the warmth in her eyes touching my heart as if she understood each word I said. 

I was sure she didn’t understand anything. That helped me actually to let myself out, without the overhead of judgment and prejudice.

We were there for a while, until it got dark, and then I saw Sam running towards the home. What had happened? I saw one of the boys on the floor, crying, his face covered with the soil. I lifted myself and ran to catch up with Sam.

Sam was in the living room, still panting, his eyes blood red, pacing across the room.

“What have you become now? Is this the attitude that you are showcasing?” 

Sam stood silent, shocked by my anger. 

“Why did you hit him? It is disrespectful to harm someone.” 

“Dad! but he was the one who started teasing me and destroyed everything,” finally he blurted out.

“I don’t care, who started it, I saw you hitting him.” 

“Actually —” 

“Stop it now! Stop it! don’t lie on my face.”

“You are no good to me. You don’t trust me.”



Before I could think anything, my hand was already on his face. His cheeks were turning red. He looked at me with his swollen eyes, I felt as if he could see my soul now, scrutinizing and judging me. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” my heart was already racing, the guilt crushing me into tiny pieces.

He didn’t utter a heard as he slowly moved to his room, with his head down. 

I sunk onto the sofa, my wife’s photo on the wall looking at me, I could see her pain. What’s going on? What have I done?

***

I look at the photos of my parents, me with my parents, and celebrations, peppered across the wall. So many memories attached to this place, still feel my parents watching over me right across the room. Their hand resting on my shoulders, if at all they were here…. I was spiralling now down into the inferno.

I’m startled when the phone rings. 

“Sir, you need to take the surgery as soon as possible. We should act real quick,” It’s the doctor from the hospital.

“I need to think about this?” I paused before saying, “Is there any alternative to this? How much time do I have?” 

My mind was racing ahead, trying to make sense of what was going on, patiently waiting for an answer. 

After a long pause, she eventually replied, “I’m afraid not much time.”

I went to Sam’s room, I looked everywhere before realizing he was laying underneath the bed, his eyes closed contemplating or trying to comprehend. That’s his defence mechanism, to be in the darkness, letting himself be engulfed by the unknown. 

“Hey Sam, come out dear,” my hand stretched at him, “I apologize.”

He remained silent for a moment or two. 

“I’m sorry Dad! I won’t hurt anyone,” he took in some air, mustering all the strength before saying, “Will you hit me again? I’m afraid of you dad.” I could see his hand shivering as he said this. 

I take him and hug him with all my heart. Suddenly, it struck me the tears were rolling down my cheek.

***

The old lady was already sitting on the bench when I came. She nodded to me as soon as I took my place - a sense of belonging as if we know each other for a long time which inadvertently stitched a small smile on my face.

“I will make sure that he lives happily and he gets everything that he desires. I will sell my house, and that should work for the surgery,” I said to her.

The next morning, I opened the door and was shocked to find out a bag and a letter inside it. I opened it and started reading it.

“Hey, it’s your friend from the park. I want you to know, I was taken to a foster home, after my parents abandoned me, being part of several foster homes during my childhood. I don’t know where my parents are, not sure whether they are alive. So many days passed thinking they would come back and save me. One day, I couldn’t take anymore and run, I ran and ran till I could stop somewhere, where I felt at peace. Till now I haven’t found what I’m looking for. Still, I’m running! Now it’s time to go from here, from this place, although now I no longer know what it is that I seek.

“Before I go, here it is what I have saved for you, you are a good man, have the surgery done. Sam needs you! Take care of him. 

“P.S. translated it, but I know you would understand me even if I hadn’t done that.”

The paper fluttered in my hand as the wind blew over me as I look at the stacks of cash in the bag.