All I Have Left

Gabrielle picked up the phone and called the only number stored in her contacts. When the voice on the other end answered, she said, “Soph, it’s Gabs. Could you…come over? I think I need some help.”

Sophia gave a light knock at the door. The woman who answered looked nothing like the woman she’d known. Gaunt and disheveled, her once rosy skin gone pale, her eyes sunken and tired, she swam in clothes five sizes too large. Her normally vibrant orange hair was dulled.

The apartment showed no sign of having been cleaned, thick dust on every surface, save the urn that sat on the coffee table. The kitchen looked unused beyond a mug on the counter and a garbage bag, partially filled with take-out containers.

“Oh, Gabs.” Sophia hugged her, careful not to squeeze her frail frame too hard. “I’m here. I’m always available for you.”

Gabrielle sobbed on Sophia’s shoulder until she had no more strength. “I think…maybe…I need to get out — just a little bit.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“I had Chinese yesterday.” Gabrielle sunk into the sofa in the living room. “There’s leftovers in the fridge if you want something.”

Sophia checked the refrigerator. There was a carton of a beef and vegetable main that hadn’t been touched, and two small cartons of rice, one of which was missing about a third, with a plastic fork stuck in it.

She checked the trash bag but saw no other containers from the Chinese take-out there. She went back out to the living room and sat beside Gabrielle.

“All you ate yesterday was a little bit of rice?”

Gabrielle nodded. “I haven’t been hungry.”

“I see that.” Sophia put an arm around her. “First thing, we’re going to get you freshened up and then I’m taking you to the doctor.”

“I’m not sick.”

“Maybe not, but have you been eating like this since….”

“I don’t know.”

“Gabs, I haven’t seen you in a year. You called me every month and told me you were okay.” Sophia leaned her head on Gabrielle’s. “You didn’t have to lie to me.”

“And if I’d said I wasn’t ok?”

“I would’ve been right here for you.”

“You mean well, but I needed to be alone with….”

Sophia stood and offered a hand to Gabrielle. “Come on, girl. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“You’re serious?”

“I am.”

The mirror in the bathroom had been covered with a towel, and when Sophia reached out to take it off Gabrielle stopped her. “Don’t. I look like….”

“Like what?”

“Like shit.”

After holding Gabrielle up in the shower so she could wash her hair, getting it dried and in a ponytail, Sophia redressed and called her doctor. She spoke with him, setting up an appointment and getting his recommendations for feeding her in the meantime.

Gabrielle came out of her bedroom, dressed in sweats that hung off her. “I feel like I’m dressed in my big brother’s clothes,” she said.

“Not a problem. We’re not going anywhere fancy.” Sophia stood and offered Gabrielle a hand.

“Off to the doctor’s?” she asked.

“You have an appointment Thursday morning. I’ll get you there and back. For today, we’re going shopping, after lunch.”

Gabrielle looked down at herself. “Like this?”

“Nowhere it’ll be a problem, I promise.” Sophia put an arm around her shoulders. “We’re going to the diner.”

“I haven’t had a burger in months…a year maybe.”

“No burgers right away. Doc says to start you on eggs, potato, and rice.”

“Because I’m…starved?”

“Yeah. Starch for immediate energy, and eggs are easy-to-digest proteins. We’re also going to pick up some multi-vitamins, and maybe something that fits you for now. Just to hold you over until you get back in shape.”

Gabrielle let out a short laugh. “Usually that means, ‘When you get thin,’ but you’re talking about getting fatter.”

“Not just fat, muscle too, you know.” Sophia paused at the door. “Doc asked if I knew when your last menstrual cycle was.”

“They’ve been irregular since…then. I think the last was a couple months ago, but it was light.”

Gabrielle hid her face from passing cars as they rode to the diner. It took a bit of “convincing” — Sophia just being stubbornly insistent — to get Gabrielle to leave the car and enter the diner.

Sophia ordered for both of them.

“No coffee?” Gabrielle asked.

“Doc says you should avoid caffeine until after he sees you and gives you the all-clear.”

“He’s not here, Soph.”

“I am, though, and don’t think I won’t tell on you.” Sophia grabbed her hand. “How about some decaf?”

Gabrielle shook her head. “No. I’ve only been drinking water anyway.”

Gabrielle’s lunch consisted of one-and-a-half eggs, a bite of Sophia’s toast, and a bite of hash brown potatoes, with a small glass of orange juice.

Sophia smiled at her.

“What?”

“You’ve got a little color back in your cheeks.”

By the time they reached the department store, Gabrielle was out of energy to walk around and begged to go back home. Not to be deterred, Sophia put her in one of the electric carts.

“I’m not handicapped.”

“Gabs…can you walk right now?”

“No.”

“Use the cart.”

The first stop was the women’s clothing section. After trying on a few different items with Sophia’s help, they found a decent pair of jeans, a few shirts on sale, a set of sweats that fit, and pajamas.

Gabrielle tried to put the pajamas back, and Sophia stopped her. “Why are you putting that back?”

“I don’t want to buy pajamas. I almost never wear them.”

“You’re not buying shit.”

“I can buy my own clothes.”

Sophia cocked an eyebrow. “Did you bring your wallet?”

Gabrielle closed her eyes and sighed. “Dammit, Soph.”

“Let me do my thing, Gabs.” She kissed her on the top of her head. “I’m more stubborn than you, so you’ll never win.”

When they had reached the checkout line, the basket of the cart was loaded with eggs, potatoes, fresh vegetables, supplements, fruit juice, potato chips, and popcorn, along with the clothes.

“I’m not going to be able to eat all this before it goes over,” Gabrielle said.

“I know. I’m staying with you for a while.” Sophia raised a hand before Gabrielle could complain. “I’m not going to force you to go out, except to the doctor’s appointment, but I will force you to watch silly movies with me. Think of it as an extended sleep-over.”

“The apartment’s a mess, though.”

“All it needs is a dust and vacuum. I’ll have that done in the first hour after we get back.”

While in the middle of watching a randomly chosen comedy, something they used to do every other month, Gabrielle paused the movie.

“What’s wrong, Gabs?”

She pointed at the urn on the coffee table. “She wanted me to spread her ashes in the forest, by that trail we used to hike. I—I don’t think I can bear to.”

“Why?”

“It’s all I have left of her.”

“She didn’t have much in the way of stuff,” Sophia said, “because she always said she didn’t care about stuff. I don’t think she ever worked any more than she had to in order to survive. She spent more time volunteering than getting paid.”

“I know. It just…it still hurts. She’d be ragging on this cheesy-ass movie.”

“She would. No one said it would be easy, but I’m here for you, Gabs; always.” Sophia pulled her close in an embrace.

“I’m lucky to have you. What about people who don’t have their own Soph?”

“What do you mean?”

Gabrielle’s eyes pooled with tears. “I mean, if I didn’t have you, I probably wouldn’t have made it. The insurance money is like a demon in my bank account, and I don’t want to spend it, because it feels wrong.”

“I know, Gabs. What if,” Sophia said, “we use it to set up a fund in her name to help with grief counseling?”

“You’d help me do that?”

“I’ll do anything in my power to help you heal.”

Gabrielle snuggled closer to Sophia, sniffled, and unpaused the movie.