Numbers

Every day starts the same – with me swearing. There are varying degrees of profanity depending on the numbers. Something completely unexpected would certainly be an “f-bomb.” +2 would probably warrant a “goddamit.” +1 would likely be a “shit.” Anything 0 to +1 would be a “dammit” but not a “goddammit.” If the number came in under 0, I might skip the profanity for that day. But those are rare, so I can accurately say everyday starts the same, with a small margin of error, maybe one or two days every two weeks.

I’m told you shouldn’t do this. You’re better off doing it just once a week. But the numbers vary each day and if I check only on Fridays for example and the Friday number is unusually high then the whole week is a failure. So it’s every day for me.

I have to be precise. Each day needs to be recorded under the exact same conditions: It’s 7:00 AM. I’m totally naked. I have emptied my bladder and bowels if necessary. I have had nothing to drink. It must be pre-shower so there is no residual moisture on my skin. Only then can I step on the scale.

Plus 1 today. “Shit!”

I have a medical grade balance scale. It consists of a platform I stand on, two sliding weights on balance beams and a pointer that floats inside a window. To calibrate it, I set the sliding weights to zero. If the pointer floats in the center of the window, the scale is balanced.

The first sliding weight adjusts in increments of 50 pounds. The second sliding weight adjusts on a sliding scale between zero and 50 pounds. So, in my case, I set the larger sliding weight to 200 pounds. Then slide the smaller one to 40 pounds. 240 pounds.

Now, I know from experience that if I hold the needle in the up position, step on the scale and release it, the needle will fall and hit the bottom of the window if I weigh at least one pound less than where the scale is set. The needle will fall harder if the weight deficit is greater than one pound. If I release the needle and it doesn’t move, that is at the very least a “dammit” day.

Then, if I hold the needle in the down position and release it, I can tell by how rapidly the needle rises to hit the top of the window if the day is going to be a “shit”, “goddamit” or an “f-bomb day.” I don’t need to take a precise measurement at that point because the result is not going to be good and I would rather not know. Tomorrow is a new day with a new measurement.

Of course I realize that the results of this routine are directly correlated to the performance of several other routines. The first being physical exercise. This is largely dependent upon such things as the weather, my schedule for that day, the crowd at the gym or if I can find some other reason to justify not exercising - my knees hurt, I’ll work extra hard tomorrow, I should really prepare for that big presentation instead. I can be quite clever when it comes to making excuses.

If I am able to follow the planned routine, each day includes a minimum of 10,000 steps. At my weight, that will burn approximately 650 additional calories. Then each day has a planned additional activity. Mondays and Thursdays are strength training days. Strength training burns about 500 calories, less if my buddies are at the gym and we need to talk about sports or politics, which supersedes the actual strength training. Tuesdays are either elliptical, stationary bike or stair-climber. Again, the target being 500 calories burned. Wednesdays I swim. Swimming burns slightly more so figure another negative 600 calories. Saturday or Sunday will include a hike, bike ride or possibly yard work. Yard work actually burns more calories than any of the others. Easily 750 additional calories for 2 hours work.

This daily fitness routine, if performed as scheduled, will on average burn an additional 1150 calories per day. On top of that I can add my basal metabolic rate, which is the calories you burn simply living. At my age and weight, that number is approximately 1800 calories. Combined with my additional exercise, I burn a total of 2950 calories each day, if I follow the routine.

So as long as I take in 2950 calories or less each day, there will be no need for my morning profanity. But there is another routine that has a significant impact. A negative one. I eat healthy. Mediterranean diet, lots of vegetables and fruits. Whole grains. Very little processed food. It’s all good. But I do enjoy red wine.

Each night I will enjoy a glass of red wine. Often two. Sometimes three. Don’t judge. Four is not out of the question. Each 4 oz. glass of red wine contains 200 calories. So, up to an extra 800 calories is possible. If I eat a healthy 2000 calorie diet, then add in the red wine, I am pushing the 2950 burn limit and setting myself up for a “dammit” day.

But this negative ritual has a rider. See, after several glasses of wine, I get the munchies. It might be a slice of cheese with crackers. It might be some healthy leftovers from dinner. It might be some popcorn or a bag of chips. If there is a leftover slice or pizza somewhere, its time is short.

Too often after a day of participating in the healthy routines: walking, exercising and eating healthy, the negative routine kicks in. Near the end of each evening, I have a pretty good idea of what profanity I will be using in the morning. Lately, it’s been leaning a lot towards the “f-bomb.”

I know things need to change. So tomorrow, I think I will replace a routine with a new one, then take it day by day. Tomorrow's routine will simply start with the number “one.”