Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

You left me. Deserted me. There wasn't anything I could do or say that would be adequate.

Well, that was according to you.

And, the funny part was that before you left, I practically begged you to stay. Reminisced about all the things we had done, the way I allowed to you be cerebral when everyone forced and urged you to be simple, and comforted you in your most arduous times. And all you could say was "Aww, thanks. I'm gonna miss ya."

Thanks. No truly. Thank you for leaving.

I now understand my worth. Because I know I shouldn't have to settle to befriend a stranger that I've loved for a decade.

But, truly there is a part of me that is furious. Enraged. You were the first one, remember? Six years ago, when we had our first fight, you were in the wrong. You were also the first to apologize.

But unfortunately...

I was the first to give in and embrace you for the first time after that disgraceful lie. And for what? Because you said "Thank you" to me for accepting your patronizing apology?

And to that echoless fellow in the back of my mind. That aims to creep up on me? Don't you think I forgot to thank you? Thanks a lot!

Wow, thanks for making me feel like a fool, trying to get to know you. Trying to be someone that would willingly try to appease you.

All I ever wanted was validation.

Would that validation from YOU be sufficient?

Throughout every step I took, I aimed to meet your eyes. Your gentle eyes that I once proclaimed were lovely. Now they're gentle in the way a father is gentle with a son before enforcing "sacred" misogyny.

I tried so hard. I fit so much into one year just in hopes you would see me, recognize me before you had to grow up.

I guess that wasn't enough.

But, thank you anyway. I got through it all through your nonchalant motivation. That goal never got accomplished: to meet your eyes.

But, it's alright.

Thanks so much. I bet you don't even remember me.

Hmmm... Who else should I reveal the secrets of? Who else do I need to thank?

Maybe one thing I also want to say thank you to is this year. I don't always have to be thankful for people, right?

I ran through those doors. Practically almost breaking them down just to see what would happen.

It was surreal, but my quixotic dream wasn't.

Just a couple of months prior I hoped that I would be in a different building. Living with everyone I love. The one who left and one who probably doesn't remember me would be there. Doing the thing that we enjoyed the most and doing it with our brilliant coterie.

We would be laughing, and it would have been perfect. The moment I knew that wouldn't be achievable was when I received the phone call, no it wasn't even a phone call. It was a text.

"I'm moving."

No explanation, no conversation, and definitely no deliberation.

Just four months later, you packed your bags and went north to everything you stated you hated.

I bet you have a nice house up there. While I'm stuck here.

And you. The one who probably doesn't remember me. I probably should have seen this coming. But, still... I was a child! I didn't know! And it doesn't help that you feel the need to ignore everything I do.

I memorized your schedule, tried to please your mother, respected you for years and years, and yet you didn't even meet my eye.

Looked away.

Like I was nothing.

And you were the absolute coolest. Played the guitar, absolutely gorgeous, and so smart. Perfect, I dare say. I just wanted to be close. Be your friend. I was so nice, yet you didn't even respond.

When I wasn't looking, I know you would laugh. I know you'd say I was a try-hard for no reason. Didn't you understand I was trying hard for you?

But, now you're gone. Living my dream. Well, actually both of you. My best friend and my infatuation.

Lingering hopes and dreams stuck in an abyss somewhere.

Back, to that moment. It was quixotic. Surreal in the most terrible way. I thought it would be welcoming, but instead, I'm sitting here five months after that melancholy entrance, and no one is talking to me.

No one.

I love them all so much, I thanked all of them a myriad of times, but I'm not sure if they appreciate the way I accommodate to make sense to them.

And it almost feels crushing. The way the world has been blessing me with all the most terrible things expecting me to perceive them as impeccable.

Who does the world think I am?

A warrior?

A soldier?

Fearless?

Someone who can carry that responsibility, burden, and terror?

Of everyone leaving me and still having the heart to be the one to apologize to them for not being enough? To thank THEM for doing absolutely nothing but being a part of my dreadful life?

No! I am not that person. I'm not a warrior. I'm not a soldier. I am absolutely not fearless.

I fear everything. I fear the stars. I fear the ocean. I fear the moon.

How do they face the world and still have the ability to stand so beautiful? So breathless?

Nevertheless, I'm not the person the world thinks I am. I'm not the person they should trust to hold all this grief.

There are a million more words I can convey this through, but why should I grant the compelling words of truth to the bitter world?

The world needs to find someone else. Someone else to have bad things to happen to.

And when I do get happy, and the world seems beautiful again...

When I do get all of this lifted off of me...

When I find people that don't leave me after I reveal all my secrets...

And when that moment comes when the world does give all this sorrow to someone else-

To whoever the world gives it to,

Thanks a lot.